Twenty Three

Day Twenty Three:  Second floor living without a yard

It may seem odd to talk about honest and true friends today but it isn’t really, not to me.  I’ve been thinking about this a lot, and I’ve been…mediocre, I’m a handful and I thrust my problems on other people to gain clarity and peace for myself.  How selfish is that?  I want you all to know that as much as I project on people I get that back in how much I care about them, and the past week has truly shown me my true friends…  I’ve also grown a lot in the way I am with certain people, and developed friendships with them out of this.

I’ve already written an entire post for today and I don’t like it, so I’m giving it another go.  I’ve spent today napping and watching New Girl, and then I went to spinning class and for one full hour I did not think about anything but my body’s limits and the songs playing.  Nothing but how I could hardly breathe and that was refreshing.  I sit here, drinking water from Judith’s dollar store cup with two lines of lipstick on my hand figuring which colour to wear tomorrow for my birthday, and feel..content.  I wasn’t feeling this way before I left for spinning, but now that I’ve been around my friends my day has improved greatly.

I’ve been thinking a lot about strength today.  My yoga instructor mentioned in class last night during a balancing pose that “it is okay if you sway, tree’s that sway are the strongest.”  I’ve been trying to figure this out since he said it, I found it bizarre and confusing to say while the point of the pose is to stay steady.  The point to life is to stay afloat, keep steady, be strong.  In testing times we tend to sway, intimes of stress and great pain, does this detract from how strong we are?

Am I any less strong because I need to let out my feelings and be human?  To talk to people that I trust about the things that I am thinking?  No, clarity is alright, strength emerges from those who can accept the fact that they are in fact not invincible, and take the steps to create a place where, although prone to failure, can still get back up again.  I want to let everyone know that it is okay to feel, and to hurt, and to fail, and to want to be alone or want to be with someone.  I don’t think I am dependent because I need to talk about my feelings, it makes me stronger.  It enables me to grow, and I think that’s what my yoga teacher was saying.

Tree’s that sway are the strongest, because they allow themselves to sway, and grow in spite of it.

This has been a terrible week, and will continue to be terrible (no matter how many birthdays we can shove in there) but we will grow from it.  It hurts, and it hurts a lot, but it is a kind of strength that I embrace and am encouraging my family to embrace to lean on eachother, to sway a little, and allow these feelings to emerge in order to get through it all.

Someone just told me to “soldier on,” and by golly am I gonna.

Peace out homeboys, I’m about to get real old.

X

Ps after finishing this post I realised there was a temper trap song on during the entirety of its writing and it was called “soldier on.”  Coincidence?  I think not!