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Day One Hundred Seventeen:  Tuesday, April 30, 2013

A Few of my Favourite Things Series #7:  Thing I’ve written

It has been a long time since I’ve written much of a fictitious short story or anything of the like, but in my first year of university I sat down for two six hour jaunts and wrote my favourite piece of writing that I have recently been sitting down and editing.  It is a short story, almost novella-length, about a boy who falls in love with the sky.  I fell in love with this character, and allowed myself to really let go and write what I wanted with little conventions of traditional writing, storytelling, or plotlines which allowed a lot more for character development and the ability of detail to overcome descriptions.  I am really proud of this writing, despite it possibly not being my best work it is definitely my favourite.

x

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Day One Hundred Sixteen:  Monday, April 29, 2013

A Few of my Favourite Things Series #6:   Tea

Even though I now drink tea, coffee, and an assortment of various other warm bev’s I find mself gravitating towards tea just because it really is my safe place.  For example in the morning I would rather a breakfast tea than orange juice, and after a childhood like mine where oj was ingrained in my morning routine that’s a big change.  As for my favourite tea of all time, it really does depend.

English Breakfast—

It’s just that taste of warm, morning, comfort tea that makes it easier to wake up, study, read, go to sleep, talk with people I don’t know it is the asiest tea to drink at any time of the day because it really does encompass the ultimate comfort.  Always with a little milk and leave the tea bag in, though.

Apple anything—

I would drink apple tea until the cows come home, it really is the best tea on a moving day.  If I am having a tea with a group of people or on a day when I know I will be carrying it somewhere I will get apple tea.  It’s my carrying tea, and I’m not sure why but it just instills this comfort while on-the-go that really helps me.  I believe it is caffeinated as well, so before my coffee-drinking-phase began in Italy this tea aided as the keep-me-up tea.  IT’s also the epitome of Christmas tea.

Blueberry Tea—

Not the alcoholic kind, but just plain blueberry flavoured tea with a bit of milk is my favourite tea date tea, what to drink during intimate conversations or really just a casual day.  IT’s also a good study tea, because it’s just enough flavour to keep you going but not enough to distract you. 

Darjeeling—

This is the tea I drink most at home I believe and for some reason I associate it with watching television or hbo, so all of my sexy shows are watched with this tea.  Does it say something about the shows themselves?  You tell me.  I don’t really think so.  It’s just a great tea.

Green Tea, Decaf—

My remedy for not sleeping is always green tea.  I think that’s just self explanatory, or I’m tired of explaining why tea is great.

Peppermint—

My favourite on any occaision ever.  It settles tummies, it’s Christmas-y, it’s minty and wake-me-up, it’s delicious, it’s great for you, and it is usually available anywhere. That’s the thing about some tea’s they’re only offered in some certain places, but peppermint tea is very universal.

And those are my tea’s, or the ones I can think of, the most important ones that I drink at least.

z

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Day One Hundred Fifteen:  Sunday, April 28, 2013

A Few of my Favourite Things Series #5:  Halloween Memory

Could it be the time that Ceara and I dressed up as Ozzy and Sharon?  Harry and Dumbledore?  Two “orcs” from the Lord of the Rings?  The time I was sailor Moon when I was little and had to wear my winter outfit underneath for more than two years in a row?  That year I was Josie from Josie and the Pussycats?  The first year I didn’t go out because I had a surgery so I stayed in and watched Forrest Gump and Independence Day? Nope.  No, not even close.

My favourite Halloween Memory was the year that I failed my driving test.

Why, you might ask?  Oh you silly gumps, because that was the year Ceara and I confirmed our insanity, one sugary moment at a time.

This year we had made so many plans but unfortunately because of some silly things we never speak of during my driver’s test I failed, and after a very long and loud tantrum, my mother brought me the Nightmare Before Christmas dvd, and I headed to Ceara’s house for order-in pizza and a night of handing out Halloween treaties and sweeties to the cutest kids that the neighbourhood could offer.  I arrived, we watched the film early, it wasn’t our favourite (we really enjoyed Christmas town as THAT is our most beloved holiday) and then we ordered pizza and waited for the little tricksters to arrive.

As we waited I got bored, and more hyper, as I had more sugar from pop, candy, Crispie Snacks, whatever I could get my hands on, and I decided I wanted to go out trick-or-treating one last time.  The only costume we could find was in her sister’s closet, it was of a Christmas Elf, and I hopped in and went running around the street like a maniac finding candy at every door, and probably jumping around little children as I went.  I had just failed my G2 driver’s test, I was seventeen, I just wanted to get candy and live through the evening.  After laughing so hard and getting an abundance of my own candy (a fantastic haul for only a handful of houses) we resumed handing out candy and laughing, nonstop, until it was late and no other kids arrived.

This seems mundane, almost moronic, but for Ceara and I I do believe it was that one holiday that confirmed that we were no longer children, we lived in the real world, and we definitely figured I was too old to still be getting candy, but also throwing tantrums.  I learned a lot this Halloween, but most of all I learned that despite our growing up and becoming real adult people with real responsibilities and things, our insanities would never fade, and I could tell stories of the lack of stable mental states to this day, but I won’t here, this is about Halloween after all.

All I can say about this bittersweet (ha-ha) Holiday is that I learned a lot about myself but also the relationship Ceara and I have.  She supports me even when I fail, even when I make not so great choices, even when I don’t bring her a pop from the house with the white fence.  She’s my best friend, and the absolute best one a girl could ask for.

Love you, Cear, don’t worry, the really embarrassing stories are being saved for your wedding, YOURS, not Sammy’s.

xo

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Day One Hundred Fifteen:  Saturday, April 27, 2013

A Few of my Favourite Things Series #4:  Beatle

Oh my, how I’ve struggled.  Do we all really need a favourite Beatle?  I think each of them are my favourite in many ways, but if I had (and do, because I’ve decided I have to) to choose a favourite member of the Beatles I would have to choose John Lennon.  I almost said Yoko Ono there, but in fear of getting scrutinized for not being funny I deferred.

John Lennon, the Beatles, Yoko and Beyond

It is obvious that it is hard for me to choose because I do love Paul and Ringo and George, but John Lennon has that thing around him, that nonchalant genius thing, that caring loving emphasis on people that really gets to me.  I cry every time I hear Imagine or his Christmas song with Yoko, and I really do just genuinely enjoy his antics.  Yes, his antics, because I’ve read I Met the Walrus and what he was getting up to was shenanigans, but who could blame him?  He was John fucking Lennon, I bet he’s up to no good wherever he is now, too, and I hope he sees how heartily he inspired people.

I suppose that’s all I have to say.  I don’t love him best because I enjoy the songs he wrote better than the others.  I don’t love him best because he seems to be the most symbolized (even though George Harrison was and lives on as a badass to me).  John Lennon is my favourite because of what he means to my own values, and what he represents among the other artists and figures that I admire.

X

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Day One Hundred Fourteen:  Friday, April 26, 2013

A Few of MY Favourite Things Series #3:  Book I read in my Adolescence that Influenced Me

Heir Apparent – Vivian Vande Velde

I read this book in sixth grade while reading Harry Potter, and although Harry Potter remains the most influential books of my life ( 8) ) I think Heir Apparent sticks out a little more in the way that influenced my own writing, my own view on life, and ultimately the books that I read after. 

If you’ve never heard of this book before I recommend reading it even if you are university aged or older, just because it was that good.  Bear in mind I haven’t read it in over eight years, so it could be the worst book in existence, but it really shaped the way I think now.  It is set in the future and a girl takes a gift card she got from her dad to play a virtual video game and she is thrust into this world where she is trying to become a princess, but then the game breaks and the only way for her to get back to reality is to beat it, and every time she dies she has to play the game again.  The game is essentially set in Medeival Times, so this book is basically super PG Game of Thrones, the main character is a Khalisci of sorts, and it is fabulous.

There is magic, princes, villains, and above all the ability of a GIRL to come up against all odds and get off her butt every single time the game puts her back to start.  It’s so hard for her, but she keeps going.  I loved this book because it was about a girl going through the things that I had previously read in Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter, and she wasn’t the best at it but she kept going.  She didn’t need a Sam to push her towards Mount Doom, she didn’t need a Ron or Hermione to be at her side, although she did have help she ultimately conquered alone, and well, and it was written in a way that appealed to me as a young girl struggling with her own identity.

I don’t remember why I started reading it, but I’m glad I did.  It really was a fantastic book for a young lady to read at a time in my life when I needed that little boost to come out of my shell and pursue my own adventures.  Thanks to this book I still go out looking for adventure, and ended up writing many maaaany fantasy fanfictions, stories…memoirs, etc.

X

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Day One Hundred Thirteen:  Thursday, April 25, 2013

A Few of my Favourite Things Series #2:   Movies

If you don’t know already movies are another pastime of mine, I enjoy watching the same ones over and over or exploring different ones.  I watch just about anything, but my favourites are below.  I protect these films with my heart, so I’d appreciate no slack on these.  Here goes:

The Daparted –

This film, with Leonardo DiCaprio, Jack Nicholson, and Matt Damon encompasses my love of suspense, thriller, drama, brutal comedy, and sophistication in a beautiful fashion that is written so well.  It’s a mafia movie, and without spilling the beans on the plot it is basically fantastic.  My sister and I usually watch this one on movie nights, you know, to keep it light.  IT’s just so well done I can’t even describe the fascination I have with the ability of the plot to fold into itself and still remain relevant and interesting.  Just a fantastic story.

Finding Nemo—

How can anyone not like this movie?  Is there anything bad about it at all?  The animation is fabulous, characters are fabulous, story is great, I couldn’t watch it everyday but I watch it relatively often and never get tired of it.  I could recite you the entire thing, and I still laugh every time.  I have fallen for each character at the perfect moment, and will be skeptical of Finding Dory in 2015 but I will of course go and see it with bells on.  If you haven’t seen this movie I don’t know what you’re doing with your life.

Almost Famous—

This film is the reason I am the way I am today.  I can’t describe the fascination I have with the characters, the plot, soundtrack, every single inch of this movie makes me so incredibly happy and worthy that I..I can only say that it is worth every minute it takes to watch it.  It’s about wonder, and adventure and music and love, and friendship and just all of the most incredible things in life that some people miss out on by focusing on the wrong things.  See this, now.

St. Elmo’s Fire—

It would be hard for me to include a list of movies I enjoy without throwing in my favourite Eighties cast-based film, and that is this little beauty.  It’s so well crafted and the characters are so likeable and developed that I just…I want to know them.  IF it were up to me it would be mandatory for everyone to watch this movie just to get an understanding, again, of why I am the way I am, but who can enforce that rule, really?  It’s so funny so beautiful, and it leaves just enough for me to guess and piece things together about the left out details.  My favourite kind of story.

Honourable Mentions:

Fight Club

Sex and the City Movie

My Big Fat Greek Wedding

Beauty and the Beast

Eight Crazy Nights

Perks of Being a Wallflower

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

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Day One Hundred Fourteen:  April 24, 2013

I’ve decided to take the week I am absent from social media to reflect some different things about me, so I’m doing a series on my favourite things.  Here it goes.

A Few of my Favourite Things Series #1:  Songs

I have a handful of favourite songs, but I have a top three.  It is really important to me that I have chosen these songs because I have odd superstitions about the nature of my ipod shuffle and whenever any of these three songs come on randomly it is a good day.  Here they are in no specific order:

Tiny Dancer – Elton John

I’ve loved this song for a few years now, but for some detailed reasons.  I love the community it inspires when it comes on the radio or is played on a playlist; it is hard for someone to not know atleast the chorus of this song.  It’s so soft yet powerful, and Elton John just has this air of knowledge about him that comes with Tiny Dancer in a form of..well, a dance.  I wish I could express better the gravity that this song truly brings to my heart, but in a good way.  It gives me a sense of happiness, it’s calming, and definitely comforting.  All around absolute goodness.

America – Simon & Garfunkel

There is nothing more inspiring than the slow melodic harmonies from the voices in this song, as well as the intention pull on a sense of wonder and adventure suggesting that every person young and old deserves the chance to explore.  How can I refuse a song that inspires such confidence in me to travel, to adventure along my life.  The lyric I’m empty and aching and I don’t know why actually describes perfectly feelings that I have so often, and just the imagery of taking a greyhound across America makes me want to drop everything, grab a raincoat and head out into the world.  I love that this song emulates what I want in my life, which is to never give up that sense of something else out there.

Blue Jean – David Bowie

If you know me you might think it’s odd that I can choose just one favourite Bowie song, but it is true and here it is.  Blue Jean just makes me happy, and that’s all I can say about it.  It is the song that could pull me from any gloomy mood, and it can set me up for a fabulous day.  If you have yet to hear this beauty do it soon, before I find you and tell you off.  It’s got the potential to be one of the most energetic and yet lyrically enthusiast songs that I have on my ipod, and yet it’s a classic Bowie gem.  I love this song, need I say more?

Honourable Mentions:

Sympathy for the Devil – The Rolling Stones

Catch the Wind – Donovan

Strange Brew – Eric Clapton

Fireworks – The Tragically Hip

Samson – Regina Spektor

and anything by the Cars.

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Day One Hundred Thirteen:  The day before the storm

So friends, folks, friendlies, and the like, I am heading off to Cuba for a week long family vacation tomorrow morning.  Now, don’t think you’ll be missing me too much, I’ve just pre-written the upcoming week’s blog posts, so there will be no falling behind for me!  I am currently a sleepybear though, I woke up super early this morning and after a full day of galavanting around uptown and working I have definitely earned this sit down.  I’m going to take a little moment to relax.

I am basically packed now just have to put the final last-minute things away, and then head on for a quiet evening of watching the boring movies that always put me to sleep and getting up very early in the morning.  There is a very good chance I’ll sleep in the car, in the airport, and on the plane, so not only will I be a hyper canary tomorrow all day in Cuba but I am determined to be in a good mood! (I read that entire last sentence in Tina Fey’s voice, I’ve been listening to her audio-book too much) 

I was at work today counting when I’m working and I’ve realised that I don’t think I can go four months in the same place anymore, I am just going to have to travel.  Somewhere, atleast, even a short distance like Montreal or BC (ha, short distances) or larger, greater distances (potentially NYC for reading week?  Who’s with me?  San fran?) and even further (Peru, back to London, and beyond) and even if I am staying local I really want to maintain adventure. 

That’s all I want really, to be JESSICA WATKIN, occupation: ADVENTURER.  I think I got this, and I hope this next week while I am void of all technology (meaning computers and social media, my ipod –which is an ipod Classic so no internet—will remain with me at all times) I can try to experience other things like swimming in the ocean again and eating pineapple regularly.  (again, Tina Fey’s voice haunts me)  I hope the next week is full of happiness and joy to everyone, and do enjoy the following six-ish blog posts about my favourite things. 

Ta-ta.

x

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Day One Hundred Twelve:  Necessarilly,

               Okay, everyone, my eyes don’t point the same way while I look at things a certain way, stop pointing out my insecurities okay?  Not only are my eyes the biggest most obvious non-symmetrical part of my body, but I am more self conscious about them than anything else.  I’ve had to deal with mismatched eyes for seven years now, and it is just so great when people make it obvious that they don’t match.  I know they don’t, just stop telling me.  For fuck’s sakes.

I get really upset about things like this because I am not perfect.  Haven’t you noticed?  I don’t look perfect, I can’t see perfectly, I’m no genius and a lot of things about my personality are flaws, and yet here I am, still standing on two feet, despite the fact that people continuously point these imperfections out to me.  It gets to me sometimes, don’t think I have the thickest skin just because I’ve had to deal with it for over a third of my life now, so again, please, stop pointing it out.

I just needed to rant about that a little bit.  For the most part I make a lot of jokes about how I can’t see, and honestly if you’ve ever made a mistake where you hand me a menu to read off the beers or said “look at that!” out the window on a train to something that I obviously can’t see don’t feel bad, because I forget sometimes too.  It’s when it’s at my expense in a hurtful, more superficially how-I-look way that gets to me.  It started when I had my first surgery, on to certain times in highschool, and since starting university it hasn’t happened much, but it gets to me it really does.

It’s hard for an adolescent girl to deal with insecurities such as starting highschool, body image, friendship, boys, and on top of all of that have to deal with a degenerative rare eye condition that causes her to go blind aaaaall at the same time.  I am strong, but only enough to get by.  I have those moments of insecurity and longing to be picture-perfect at all times, but I can’t.

So I love my little mixmatched eyes, but society doesn’t seem to market eyes the same way as I would like them to.  They also don’t market my body shape or my personality the same way either, but who’s really looking at those these days?  I am comfortable being who I am, I just don’t appreciate being made fun of for something that is so out of my own control.

If you don’t already know I’m having surgery early May to begin the process of matching my eyes, but the little eye that could is already tired from years and years of corrective and reconstructive surgery, as is the girl holding that eye in place with the rest of her.  She’d appreciate a little loosening on the grip society has on image, let it be for human’s bodies, personality, and the like.  I personally would love to see a day where myself, my sister, my friends, and the people of earth can leave the house without constantly second guessing their bodies, clothing, makeup, etc. for what the judgement other people will pass on them.  Jeez, can’t we all just love eachother for what we’ve got on the inside?

Alright, the knots in my stomach are relaxing and I can breathe easy again, I guess things bother me until they leave my head, you sentimental hearts out there can relate, it just needs to get out somewhere, you know?  Thanks for reading, as as always don’t forget how much I love you.

x

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Day One Hundred Eleven:  I Do

My sister and I spend a lot of our quality time together watching the plethora of wedding shows available to us, critiquing them, chatting about them and how we will want our own weddings to be, and laughing at the outrageous-ness some weddings can be.  Bridezilla’s, absent grooms in the planning, it all seems rather…extravagant.  I think about weddings a mediocre amount, but I guess it’s an issue at my age… Or is that a myth?  My mom was engaged and getting married the weekend after she graduated college, having known and dated my dad for…years, more than a few to be exact.  I’m almost at that age, and there are no prospects as of yet.

I heard once of someone being nervous that she was my age and didn’t have a steady boyfriend to get ready to marry…  Is marriage really that big of a deal for people, in a way that it was for the our parents?  Or is a marriage only a window into relatively good benefits and someone to take you to the hospital when you break?  Is it about love?  Or is it about values?  Is it about being with someone who you enjoy spending time with?  Is it sacred if you don’t believe in things like that?  Or is it just a formality?

To be honest I’ve had my confusion around marriage for a while now.  I don’t understand why we make it out to be a huge deal, with a large ceremony and songs and friendship input (although collaborative weddings are more up my alley than spiritual ones) and a huge traditional party with scrict restrictions and expectations?  Why can’t a marriage, a wedding, just be the joining of two people who love eachother in a way that works for them?  Or is that what marriage is now?

Why can’t everyone get married yet?  Why are you privileged if you stick with the societal norm?  I’m so tired of thinking about these kind of things, but I guess I’m worried about it.  If I decide to not get married, or if the person I want to spend my life with decides with me, are people going to judge me?  Should I care?  Or should it be a big deal to me that my friends will be getting married?  Is common law still a thing?  Am I overthinking?

Yes.

I guess I’m more worried about the formal things, making a commitment is something I look forward to.  It’s about the fit, the comfortable-ness of both parties, and if it’s right for the both of them at the same time.  Timing, time, it seems to get in the way of everything, or it just accompanies the choices we make and allows us to go on their path.  I’d really enjoy having things happen to me already, instead of feeling so immobilised?

How do I get a move on?  I thjink it’s about letting it happen naturally, and just doing what I like.  It doesn’t hurt to think of a wedding someday, or what I would like a commitment to be like, right?  But I think that I shouldn’t get ahead of myself.  I’m twenty-one and comfortably so, nowhere near the scary thirties, but roaring right through as a twenty something.  Oh the age game, time, again hauntingly looking over my shoulder, telling me to get a move on already.

I downloaded new books today!  And have been making summer plans.  I just need to make concrete plans, then I can actually have things to do, and stop sitting around watching tlc wedding shows and the food network and going for runs, but actually living.  Life is fleeting, after all.

x

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Day One Hundred Ten:  But Baby It’s Cold Outside (Again!)

I’ve written about a bunch of things here, about university and life and school, my eyes and work and my family, the hardships I’ve gone through with all of these things, and yet I have sort of skipped over my relationships romantically all together, and I’m debating..opening it up.  It’s hard to talk about because I am learning that the more I think I am a great lady, I’m not.  Not so much.  When it comes to men I think I know a lot and in reality know very little.

I would love to say that I am a fabulous girlfriend, and yet I sort of get the impression that after a while the novelty wears off and I’m not so great anymore.  I’m impatient, and demanding and selfish.  When I warn people that I’m a handful it isn’t a light warning it comes with weight, the weight that I don’t make a lot of sense to myself.  Why do I shy away?  I don’t know, I get nervous, what if I do something wrong?  Why do I have a hard time trusting people?  Well right now it’s not hard, but on a regular basis it becomes harder to trust people and men in particular because I feel like I might be doing something wrong.

So I spoke in my last post that four months ago I came home and had only realised how I wanted to be but had not acted on it.  At this point I knew that I wanted, and needed, to be single.  As of right now that still stands, if not with more understanding having been single for some time now and am trying to really grasp what I want from this chapter of my life.  Is college really about experimentation?  Or is that a myth they encouraged in the nineties to make their slutty bi-curious asses feel better?  I’d venture to say that the college experience isn’t about experimenting with our sexuality as much as it is experimenting with yourself.

In elementary school I realised that I liked boys, that they were nice to talk with about certain things and that girls didn’t like that I could talk to boys. In highschool I realised that (I LOVE MY GIRLFRIENDS FROM HIGHSCHOOL…don’t get me wrong –Nik, Zo) but I got along a lot better with boys, I graduated with a close group of five guy best friends where there were few females (three?  But in all reality how many people in this group still stand..again, my fault).  In university I have come, after two years of perpetual longing to have the validation of someone else get me through this hard time (romantically) I have come to find that for now I can be alone and be fine.  Do I still need someone from time to time?  Maybe I want that, but I don’t need it.

I’m not an expert on any of this obviously, but it’s really been bothering me lately.  What do I do to get myself like this?  I assume from the start that I will ruin things and set myself up for the disaster months before it appears on the horizon.  How do I fix this?  How do I take this anxiety of failure away?  How can I stop myself from constantly being nervous about being with someone else?

I am going to try and make it clear while I am single on the boundaries, limits, and the things that I want from life are clear to me when I go into situations that are likely to make me nervous.  I am very self-aware for the most part when it comes to what I want with my future, and to be honest I’m in several fantastic relationships with my close friends and family that have really grown this past year and I wouldn’t change the time, energy, and emotion I’ve put into those relationships for anything because these are the people who have not left my life and are the most important.

I think I need to get into a relationship with myself.  How friggen corny is that?  I need to take care of myself as I would with someone else.  That’s what I used to write my co-dependence off as:  “Oh I just like to care for someone else,” in reality I just wanted someone to tell me that I wasn’t crazy, I’m not a handful, that I was beautiful and they loved me.  You know what’s just great though?  I can convince myself of those things on my own or with the help of the people already around me.  I am starting to think that the next time I am in a relationship it needs to fit perfectly into that circle or completely smash it, one of the other.  Either way it will only be beneficial and a move forward.

This is my time to really get at what I want, I guess, and there’s no expiry date on this confusing, explorative time.  I don’t mean exporing other people or anything like that, I mean it in the sense of exploring what I want what it is I want to do with my life what I want to see.  I am in touch with that, but maybe I need to go a step further.  I need to make plans, I need a plan.  I make a list for every single thing in my life but hat my concrete plans are, maybe it’s time. 

I guess I’ll have to cuddle myself to sleep tonight, I deserve it.  I guess I should apologise to everyone I’ve dated, been involved with, etc. for being such a basket case, and for not treating any of you the way that you most likely deserve.  I guess what this post is about is becoming a better person, so that some day when I’m ready I can share the things I love and my thoughts idea’s and plans with someone, and not end up hurting them in the end.

A girl can only rely on her own utility belt to fix this kind of problem, I think.

x

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One Hundred Nine:  The Wind – Cat Stevens

Just go listen to it, really.  I give a lot of music advice because it’s what I understand the best I guess, and I know that it is probably the most stable part of me I know it inside and out.  I am lucky to know and love the music that I do, and in this case I really wish everyone would go and listen to some Cat Stevens today, it is a Cat Stevens day.  Some days just have a very obvious soundtrack, Saturdays and Sundays usually have easy ones to figure out, The Wind is just one of those universally good songs all through the week. 

Some writers advise to write what you know.  It would be pretty hard for me to write a hugely in-depth drama on the life of a surgeon, but it doesn’t mean I can’t write from a perspective.  I have this idea in my head that I’m not good at anything, and although I get discouraged I do try to find things everyday that I am good at that can contribute to the conversation of life.  I’m so poetic today.

Needless to say I know my music, I know Saturday’s, and so I will explain why this fits perfectly.  I’ve spent this afternoon making changes to my room that I will be happy with, and I have decided over the course of the afternoon that I want to be a bit different.  I’ve started bit by bit, because no one built Rome in a day (is that the saying?).  So bit by bit I am changing my positivity, because as much as I would like to imagine coming home from London has only made me realise how I want to be, I have to actively make it happen now, I guess, it’s taken me four months to realise the gravity of my realisations, and now I know that things need to be different.

So Cat Steven has always proven to be one of those comfort artists.  Casually sprinkled among pop culture and cinema it’s one of those songs that is recognisable to an extent, not everyone knows the words, but it’s that song that played through a montage or movie credits that one time.  It’s a bridge song, making connections, journeying, passing through, and it is perfect for today.  I think the best thing to do for the moment is to just sit with it and breathe it in.  Is there any other way to listen to good music?

I feel like I should do a series on music.  Maybe in the week that I go to Cuba I can choose what I’ll write about.  My goal is to have them written before I go…writing blitz sometime soon?  Oh the things I do to avoid the internet on vacation.  I am determined to be strictly void of social media in general for a while I think, maybe I need a detox.

x

108

Day One Hundres Eight:  Shortly

All day I’ve had this feeling of really wanting to just read.  I’ve written a bit before about how having to use my audiobooks has changed my relationship with reading, which is totally true.  Imagine how hard it is for you to keep reading a boring book I have the luxury of simply pausing it and forgetting about it altogether.  So when I do come across an actually interesting novel I find myself thinking of nothing else than reading it, which makes reading more of a gamble for me as I will never know if a book will actually be exciting or if I will get bored in the first ten pages (or minutes, if you’re me). 

I’m saving a few books on my ipod for my vacation next week as I enjoy reading on the plane as well as on the beach and at the gym, but I’ve been re-reading Gatsby and Bossypants lately and although I’ve already read them before I am really enjoying them.  It is always a disappointment when I buy an audiobook and it’s read by some boring narrator, in the case of Bossypants I just listen to Tina Fey be herself, which is very nice.

How does anyone know if a book is going to be a good one just by reading a short description or seeing the cover?  I have a hard time picking them, so I usually go off of what my friends and peers say.  So  if you have any summer reads to suggest feel free to let me know, though I must advise you that come July my work picks up and my ability to focus goes down, so I read light and airy ones on the bus.  Other than that I love any suggestion.

I guess this was the only place other than my social media feeds to better explain why I look for suggestions for books, and when I give specifications for such books I appreciate getting feedback.  As an English major we read tons of novels, articles, journals and the like during the school term so when it comes to summer time I prefer books like the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo or other books that have been popular for the common person and not a pay-as-you-get-educated BookWorm. 

I wish this didn’t sound so much like a plea for help, but I am desperate for a good read.  Help me, I’m poor.

x

107

Day One Hundred Seven:  Home and Beyond

How many thoughts and idea’s pass through my head in a day and the moment I pop open a document to write this here blog every one seems uninteresting to even myself, and so again I sit at a loss of what to say.  Shall I talk about my anxieties of two appointments (one pre-operation physical and one dentist check up extrordinaire) that are tomorrow and how I dread them excessively.  Shall I talk about my new found motivation to be xbox games and learn how to play them?  Or shall I ramble on about how I can no longer piece my thoughts together?

IIt’s that battle I always have at the end of a term where the day-lapse adjustment back into having a life again and not feeling super unproductive.  I struggled at dinner to not let my mind work overtime trying to figure out how many hours of work I had to do tonight because I actually had none.  IT’s a superb feeling, but at the same time I feel so useless, I ended up cleaning my room anyway.  You’d think I’d write something here, but apparently I was preoccupied with which drawer was the proper one for my skirts and if pants should occupy the same drawer.  Priorities, right?

As for tomorrow I know I shouldn’t be worrying because I brush twice a day and there are (hopefully) no needles required at any moment, and there’s a lovely youth-inspired dinner out with some CNIB friends in the evening, and I think I’m going to read some more, and really there is no reason for such headaches as I’ve been having all day.  Maybe it’s due to the isolation that university life brings for someone immersed in a full courseload in a senior level year, but I find myself forgetting to get hair cuts, dentist check-ins, doctor’s appointments, and the like while in a term because it pulls me from focus.  So when it comes around I do feel rather uncomfortable, and as for that unease I wish tomorrow was happening.

I will feel better tomorrow evening when I can focus on a bath and a book and new and different writing ventures that I am embarking on very soon.  I wish more things were so easy to dismiss, that by the end of the day tomorrow these thoughts today will seem silly, but they still happen.  That’s just me I guess,  and that’s okay.

I remember the first time I did a three-six-five blog and at the end paragraph I gave advice to everyone: myself, readers, specific people….  I haven’t been following that suit as much as I did two years ago, and to behonest I don’t really see the point to it. If by the end of a post I don’t like what I’m saying why would I preach any further?  And by the end of a passionate post if you don’t get the point then well that’s lost on you and that’s fine by me.  Here is where I would challenge everyone to live like me, but in reality that’s not possible for everyone, so instead I challenge you all to just live.  Go for it.  No advice on not worrying about things, or being organised or enjoying vacations, just live.  That’s cool with me, ‘cause that’s all I’m trying to do right now, too.

Live, and live through tomorrow’s appointments needle-free. 

x

106

Day One Hundred Six:  Good night, Little Bear

Judith and I just had a lovely ladies night filled with Disney music, foot scrubs in our bath tub, half a cheese bun and the Rise of the Guardians.  We don’t get to spend a ton of time together as roommates due to completely opposite schedules for coursework and study times, so tonight was lovely just to giggle and talk about how Jack Frost is my boyfriend and that we drink a lot of water together, a whole lot.  I like you, Jude, lub lub a lot, if you were wondering.

One of those things that I miss about being young is the ability to truly lose myself in wonder and my imagination.  I can’t sit on the floor playing with my large pink dollhouse and play with my dolls and Miss Piggy figurine and my Arthur doll, I have to sit at a computer and watch youtube video’s and text people like an adult, and go to work and do paperwork and be polite, civil even, and bottle my imagination up hidden from the world.  I guess I wish I could let my imagination out here a little more, I tried to write a poem today but it wouldn’t come out… I’m hoping that within the week I’ll be able to accomplish one or two proud poems, we’ll see.

I haven’t lost my imagination by any means, but I do feel that the only way I can truly let myself have an imagination is within fictional writing, and maybe storytelling, and daydreaming of course but let’s get real:  adults don’t use their imaginations half as much as they should.  Remember how much fun pretending the floor was lava was?  Or when everything had a different voice in your head?  Was that only me?  I still have light saber fights with my brother and tell stories like crazy, but it really isn’t the same.  So what if I believe in things like ghosts and aliens?  I believe that there’s something else out there, when half or more of the world believes that a bearded man lives in the sky?

Without offending anyone I just really would like the majority of the people I know to take a second and let their imaginations fly, maybe for just a little while, out of control.  We tend to lose ourselves in our schoolwork, in our relationships, in our mind games and alcohol, but how often do we allow ourselves to get lost in the labrynth of our imaginations?  Maybe if you’re a dreamer, a heavy-duty full-time one like me, who imagines so many situations and possibilities inside my head that I would never dare share with anyone due to the…well, the absurditity in it.  Have you ever sat in a lecture and totally lost yourself in your head?

Then why not let it out more often, elsewhere, where it might let out some stress too?

Without embarrassing myself too much I cannot tell you how many times I’ve imagined myself into Harry Potter’s trio, as an Elf from Lord of the Rings, a Tribute from the Hunger Games (and that shit’s recent, I’ve only read the first book last summer), and so much more that in order for me to truly get to the bottom of the boundaries that are broken within my imagination I can tell with confidence that I have imagined myself in cartoon numerous times in the past week.  Is it a problem?  Maybe in the logistics of losing myself in realities that may or may not exist, but I don’t really care.

I know what’s me, what’s what, what’s real, and my imagination takes the wheel the rest of the time.  I think it’s beautiful, but I might be biased.  Coming from the kid who played Mount Krumpet in the snow on her front lawn until she could babysit (and beyond, probably) or from the kid who would (if it were acceptable) dig the dollhouse out from her closet and sit and play for hours with the ebay-bought Harry Potter figurines sitting dusty in her closet…I wish I had more opportunities to stretch my imagination past the ones I create for myself in my head.  If you know me well you’ll know about my extra-curricular writing habits, the phases I go through around surgery time, and my abilitiy to lose myself within my own thoughts.

I have a surgery coming up in May, and you can bet your bottom dollar my imagination will be running free throughout the entirety of it.  I’m off to dream up another playground for me to set my thoughts free in, good night.

x

105

Day One Hundred Five:  Oh.

I’m behind on posts and that’s because I am now on summer vacation and I have too many things on my mind to do before I go home tomorrow morning that I just didn’t have any time last night, atleast that’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it.  As for this evening I have a few moments between packing and spending some time with Judith to write a few things down. 

Let me begin by saying I am so grateful that I have such a fantastic, supportive, and fun support team.  The people who routinely stop my gloomy moods by making sure I’m fed, watered, and well rested on a daily basis who also manage to bring a smile to my drained face really and truly are the reason I got through this sily exam period.  How lucky am I?  I say that a lot, that I am a lucky girl, I just really do not take the people in my life for granted.  Why should I?  They’re fabulous to me and to them I thank heavily for their support these past few weeks, and for putting up with me, you deserve medals.

I think I began my summer vacation the right way:  on a patio drinking a coffee in a dress.  Patio living is how we spent our two weeks backpacking through France Germany and Belgium, and it is how I will always remember the first time I enjoyed a cuppacino in Paris, my first enjoyable dark beer in Hermany, and a very sugary chocolate-smothered waffle in Belgium among many other memories but most of all the patios full of food, people, and freedom.  I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so hard than the moment we realised that on the twenty-ninth ish of August on a patio at dinner time in Brussels that Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas is You” was playing.  Well, Belgium, you’re off by a few months but we appreciate your enthusiasm.

The thing about enjoying a meal and company on a patio is that it is in all of its entirety freeing.  Freeing from the indoor capacity of the watching waiter’s eye while inside a restaurant, and I feel less pressured to leave and not take up space when I’m outside.  There’s nothing like a cold beer on a sunny Friday afternoon on a patio, or cocktails with the girls at the Heuther or Jane Bond’s patio’s.  How lucky are we to have entered the wather of outdoor dining, thank heavens it happened sometime!

To those who still have to finish their exams I bid you luck and good fortune on all of those finals that have you muddled and confused.  To those on vacation, we are the luckier ones, but most exams end by May which sparks the true beginning to patio weather, beers, and all around good times.  To everyone else, I hope that life’s been treating you well, cheers.

x

104

Day One Hundred Four:  Frankie Says Relax

Tomorrow my friends brings FREEEEDOOOM.  Well, tomorrow evening, and I can think of little else than my studying so I don’t know what to write about today.  I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want to do with my life, and figured that if I end up doing what I should be doing then I will inevitably be helping people so I should stop worrying about it and just start doing things.  I’ve started running.  Not really long runs, because lucky me my ankles have been shot from a torn ligament, but just getting out and pushing myself a bit.  I’ve been reading Gatsby when I get out, so that’s been nice, getting my mind off of things to just read.  After tomorrow I am starting another book, onto five books pre July!

Tomorrow means Freedom, which means I need a film to watch tomorrow night in order to relax a bit, and I haven’t chosen one yet, but it is going to involve some wine and some fruit loops and a very happy girl.  I suppose I’ll have more time to think about organising my thoughts properly than I do now, since all I’ve been organising all day are the two essays (700 words each) that I have to write tomorrow, as well as some answers to questions, and just figuring out how to approach this, how to get through this final, and how to accept the fact that I will be one step closer to graduating. 

Is that excitement I feel?  Or fear?  Both?  What the hell am I to do with my life?  I have idea’s, and yet I find myself wanting to stop at adaptations of Macbeth and just stick to that forever.  I’m so tired of talking about this, I suppose it isn’t really vothering anyone else, or not in the same way as me anyway.

I guess this blog goes to show what’s been on my mind through the day.  It’s been on hundred and four days and I’ve written a lot of deep posts, meaningful things, silly letters and tiresome complaints, and yet I guess I haven’t really said what I’ve done all day, how my day way, in explicit words.. It’s all about my thoughts.  I think that’s okay, isn’t that what a blog is?  What is the true definition of a blog?  Is there one?

I question everything often in order to make sure and validate that what I am doing is proper and okay, but in all reality I don’t care because I do and write what I want.  I know what I am and what I want to be.

Well, the conclusion to this must be that I should watch Game of Thrones and Mad Men tomorrow night with wine with all the lights on, because it there’s anything I’ve truly learned about myself this term is that I feel less lonely with the lights on.  Well, good night then.

x

103

Day One Hundred Three:  Fruity-Loops

This summer I am determined to become one of those people who voluntarily is okay with waking up relatively early (maybe seven) every day to get some yoga and water treatment in and maybe a run?  Does anyone have faith that I can do this?  I think if I really truly try I could, but it’s putting that effort in that’s the kicker.  I want to be that person, but sometimes I like my bed just too much! 

Everyone!  It’s going to be the end of school so soon, and that means summer soon, which means the beach!  Remember the beach?  Days spent sitting in the sand and feeling the warmth on your skin and reading and hearing the waves hit the beach?  Swimming in the cold water and jumping frolicking through the waves?  Walking downtown to get ice cream and chips and shop around a little and play at the arcade?  Then finish at Lobby’s, the restaurant on the shore and get pitchers of beer and watch the sunset over dinner, and laugh a lot and smile and realise that it is the perfect life those days spent at the beach.  Walk home with a milkshake as the lack of sun cools down the hot concrete and after a short shower get into sweats and sit around a campfire just talking well into the night. 

Campfires really don’t need anything but time.  You don’t even need anyone to really sit with you on occasion, just time to look at the flames and the grass and the stars, the shadows, smile and say Hello politely to those walking by.  I usually have a water bottle and roast marshies and talk with my dad, and those are some of the best nights of the summer.  The next morning waking up, washing my face and grabbing a glass of oj and a book and sitting on the porch with him, reading together silently, sometimes looking up at the pit with the chairs all around it from the night before, water bottles littering the grass, those are the lazy summer days I am looking forward to.  Oh, summer at the camp.

This year I am sticking to my goals, and making concrete plans, and changing things and actually going to get out of the house and do fun things and go out and be social and enjoy the summer.  That is another pledge, but above all I just want to live.  I want to do things I like and laugh tons and just, yeah, live.  What else is there to do?  I’m sure I’ll figure out graduate school and life plans in there at some point, those things usually just jump out at me.  I have the faith in my own abilities.  Gosh, I am actually so excited.  It officially starts (it being summer) Monday at five pm.  I am going for beers and then taking the night to organise and relax.  I am one lucky girl, my friends, to have such exciting summer plans.

xo

102

Day One Hundred Two:  Positivity

In all of the natural aspects such as towards actually making a living eventually, about confirming that marks aren’t everything in life, and that life gets better despite what we always think.  Why is it that negativity takes over so many people?  Just…let it go.  Things will get better.  Even if you are unhappy, be positive that things will be happy again.  I have experienced so many situations in my life worthy of shutting down and being negative towards myself, and I have found that lately especially I need to just remind myself of a more positive outlook in order to truly get by.

For a long time I thought that I wasn’t cut out for university, and after a long time of fine-tuning the skills I thought were non-existent I have found that maybe analytic, long, academic essays aren’t really what I enjoy/are good at doing.  I think (and know, confidently) that I am meant to be practically applying myself in a team setting, but finding my niche is taking a little longer than I had hoped.  Less of a struggle and more of a mental motivation at the moment, like in intensive training after your body hits the limit you finish your set by pure mental capacity, less stress on the body.  The only thing keeping me going right now is my attitude: challenging myself to do the next steps, to do better, to increase knowledge to get going to finish.  Graduate.

And then what?  Frig, it’s taking all my willpower not to just…try to take the easy way out and do something that I may not love but will get me by.  I want to do something I love intensely though, but that will benefit someone.  It is so hard to struggle with this right now, and to struggle with the fact that I am not amazingly smart at some of the assignments I’m given, and it’s hard to struggle with relationships and friendships and things, and it’s hard to struggle with the things that life has thrown at me…  And yet I still have this shining light inside of me… I like to share it, I like to keep strong, and despite all of the hard things I deal with I just..keep going.

So what I am trying to get through today is just…I’ve always taken university and this degree thus far with a grain of salt.  If a professor didn’t really like my paper I tried my best, took my notes, and moved on.  I went into these final papers confidently and I am still confident I did my best work, but what has come from my first feedback is I know now basically that I don’t want to devote my life and potential graduate school and career to academic writing.  I can analyze, don’t get me wrong, but I think… I think my thoughts, opinions, and best of all my idea’s are best received when you meet me.  When we sit down (or let me stand because I move around a lot) and we jive and talk and get things out in front of us.  I learn and express myself best.  This is where I need to be.

The best part about this is that in my English and Theatre degree I find myself on my feet escribing what I know In theatre, and writing analytically with English, and combine the two and bam we’ve got magic.  But it’s the discouraging bits, it’s the bits that scare me and challenge me most and make me not want to go on with this that bother me.  I am positive I am doing my best, positivity runs my motivation to keep going, but so does that drive that I can feel what I want to do and potentially what I am meant to do just beyond my reach. IT’s on the tip of my tongue but I can’t remember the words.  It’s aound the corner but I’m chained two feet before the turn.  I know it is there, and it is great, I just haven’t arrived there yet.

I just turned to my Audrey Hepburn poster and asked “How did you decide you wanted to be fabulous for the rest of your life?”  The funny thing is, she didn’t decide, she just was.  I would like to think that I just am…whatever I am, and that finding out what that is is what life’s all about.  Why am I here?  I was asked what I wanted to be when I grow up and I answered “Happy.”  I guess that’s what I’m looking for, with a dash of substance thrown in there for good measure.  But even that is unsatisfying, because in the mean time of my journey for happiness I have to make money and live and travel and help people, and finding what I can do to make those things happen is proving to be silly.

I did not expect this to turn out to be only about my school work but I suppose that’s all that is on my mind right now.  I just would like everyone to look at the things and people in their life and think about the way they treat them.  Are you exuding positive light?  Or is that light shadowed by preconceptions of yourself, others, and the world around you?  Be positive, for pete’s sake.

One last thing.  It’s been bothering me lately and I’ve been trying to figure out how to properly express it.  In order to really get my point across, to drive home what I want to say, if you remember nothing about this post and only the next paragraph I would wish nothing more for you.  I have thought this over and over again in the term’s recent events, with Paul and Brad’s passing, and find it helps me, truly, to understand the importance of positivity to myself and everyone around me.  Here it goes.

If you (God forbid) or someone you know or who is loved and close to you died tomorrow, would you regret the last thing you said to them?  The last moment you exchanged?  And if so, is that how you really want to live your life?  Leaving a lasting impression of negativity?  Or would you rather leave others with a sense of peace and love, and that you care?  I am not saying I am perfect or that perfection is attainable or necessary, even, but I just would hope that the answer to these thoughts would always be you would want to leave a positive memory and inspire in others the positivity you share.  Exude love, not hate.  And live everyday (how cliche) like it is your last, with positivity and hope that you are someone's shining light.  

x

101

Day One Hundred One:  Baileys in a Glass

I’m not one to often leave dishes or anything in my room anywhere, even in residence I washed al of my dishes right after I used them, and I carry this wherever I go, but I do find myself leaving glasses of water and coffe and tea all over, and I don’t know if that’s because I always find myself in the middle of a thought or actually doing something with it in my hand but a glass is always lying around somewhere.Not saying that this is a good thing but it really shows something about me.  It shows that my attention to detail is a little off, but who can blame me really?

It is not something that I carry on at the bar, no, I don’t leave alcoholic drinks at the bar and then come back for them, which is a good thing, but everywhere in my house there is a glass from me somewhere, and I cannot be blamed.  I like having one in an arm’s reach, but it’s something I guess I’d like to change about myself.  I’ve been thinking a lot today (obviously) about the tiny details and habits that I have that would probably be worth changing.  The glasses is one, but I could also change the way I set up my room (far too jumbled and cluttered), my wallet situation (or the way I used my London flipbook/tube pass holder instead of a proper wallet) and how I always keep the window open despite my father’s wishes that it remain shut in order to not throw off our home heating/cooling systems.  I do these things out of habit, but also because I am sort of avoiding change, or more change than what has already happened in my life.

Sometimes I trust that change is due, like during London for example I played the YES game which I’ve already talked about, and a bunch of other things that I am still working on but they’re worth it  It’s these little things like biting my nails, keeping my toothbrush on the side of the sink, and always taking my boots off the moment I walk in the door that may make me the person I am (even if I’m the only person to experience the effects of them) but are somewhat…hazardous?  Difficult?  And could be changed.

It’s not that I avoid change, I just find it easier to settle into being myself.  I think everyone does this to an extent…  It is more work to change yourself than to sit with who you are now.  Not saying that anyone should really change themselves on my behalf ever, but I know that I have recently convinced myself to change some little things and have stuck to those changes favourably, I really am proud of myself, but as I have covered in this post until now I have some pretty bizarre and albeit minor but poignant things that could be changed.

I’m not sure if any of these things will be “corrected,” we will have to see. 

As for now I guess I’m going to have to deal with always having short nails and glasses dispersed all over my room at all times.  I think I’m okay with that, it’s just the people who know me I worry about.  I always say I don’t care what other people think, which is true to an extent, I’m going to gallop through the mall if I wish because I really don’t care what those strangers think of me…  But the people I love and care about?  If they are disappointed or disgusted or embarrassed by me (the last one excluded for things in the mall) than it’s time to rethink my choices in my opinion.  Maybe that’s just me, but I care about what they think because in all honesty you aren’t alone your entire life, you can’t be, so be yourself and be yourself with the people who are around you, and if they like something do it for them, because it’ll make you happier by making them happy.

Maybe that argument is flawed, I don’t really care, it’s how I am for the most part.  A negotiation, a compromise.  I guess that’s how you could describe my relationships:  favourable compromises.   I enjoy being close to the people that I am close with, and they deal with my short nails, too, even if it makes manicures a little painful.

Love and hugs,

x

ONE HUNDRED!

DAY ONE HUNDRED!!!  INTERNATIONAL SIBLING DAY!!

CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES COME ON!  I won’t write my entire post in caps like I had planned, but write a short summation of my sibling day festivities:  I snuggled with my brother and sister (or rather they snuggled me while I wrote an exam on my floor), we ate dinner with our family, we watched Wreck It Ralph, we ate lots of snacks and snuggled under one blanket.  Basically there was lots of snuggling, eating, and giggling.  For my one hundredth post on this blog I thought I’d just leave everyone with a mid-exam week well wishing and hoping that despite the heaviness that exams bring to all on their morale, motivation, happiness, energy, and so much more that everyone takes a few minutes for themselves sometime soon, just take a nice break, and remember they’re just exams.  Yes, they are important, just do your best that’s all we can ask.  And hug some people today, I hugged a lot of people today, or I guess I hugged the same people many times today.

Wreck it, Ralph!

JMK

x

Ninety-Nine!

Day Ninety-Nine:  Rain is a Good Thing

Spring has landed and it only took me a few hours to realise that our weather changes in what feels like moments.  I went to campus this morning in a dress, three hours later having to change into jeans to walk downtown in the pouring rain.  It went from sunny to very wet in a very short period of time, and we are back into having real seasons again.  Call me traditional but I love me some good four Canadian seasons.  Predictable but not too predictable, temperature changes in the middle of the day, flowers?  Remember flowers?  Remember wearing your spring jacket and not going from winter jacket to shorts?

Spring is by far my least favourite season just because of the inconsistencies, but I am greeting it with open arms this year.  The rain is usually not bitter cold and bring green lawns in the summer instead of the dirt brown we’ve been having.  It’s an excuse to find a rain jacket and boots again, and break out an umbrella.  It means the seasons are back on track, and as much as I love the summer we needed to get our spring back.

What does this mean for my first two summer months?  I have become so accustomed to finishing my exams and tanning on the back deck in one week, but it seems as though this year I will have to adjust my plans (despite Cuba being two weeks away!!).  I was thinking for the generally good spring weather I’m expecting us to have this year it might be the perfect time to get up on the horse.  Not drastically hot uncomfortable weather where it will be a battle between wanting to enjoy a ride and wanting it to end because of the heat.  It might also be easier to learn when things are less busy, not to mention more low-key work hours.

I am also planning on walking a lot more, and being at the Grand every week if not more than once, and reading.  I want to finish books this summer, and not just a handful.  I think my goal before Camp starts (so before July) is to have finished five books (including Cuba because I enjoy shortcuts) but good, substantial books.  I’ve been wanting to read that Girl With the Dragon Tattoo for a really long time now, and I’ve got some recommendations for some serious topics as well as biographies.  I used to average twelve books a summer in only two months, and last summer I think I read four in four months.  That’s unacceptable to me, and so I’m going to change that.

I pledge to read five books this spring, and to get on a horse before July.  I pledge to get out of the house on my days off and spend time with my family instead of isolating myself in my room to watch tv shows.  If the weather’s smartening up maybe I should too, and if anything I will start with getting back on to my own track of  what I want to do.

Spring is akin to a breath of fresh air:  out with the dingy, stale winter and in with the new, blooming bright and booming spring!  It would be ludicrous to ignore the fallacy that is not mimicking the seasons and becoming bright and new myself!  Who am I to deny my goals of shaping and forming in front of my eyes?  I have the opportunities, now I pledge to actually follow through with them.  Spring, my dear friends, has sprung.

x

Ninety-Eight

Day Ninety-Eight:   Mrs Robinson

Today was one of those perfect days where the weather isn’t too weird but warm and gray, and there wasn’t too much to do but to get around the busy-ness and keep on going.  As of now I find myself just planning and relaxing, letting myself relax is one of those skills that I’m not good at yet.  I’d like to, but it’s something that is hard for me to do independently.  There’s a lot of things lately that I’ve had to get used to.

But I’ve enjoyed it.  It’s been kind of a long time now since I’ve been on my own in all kinds of aspects.  Haven’t had a romantic interest in a while, been away from home during the school year working on coursework, I have a job that doesn’t involve my parents or friends in any way, and for the most part my friends have come organically especially from university and my programs.  Something about being independent that strikes me as interesting is that I get to spend my time doing things that are important to me.  Are they always meaningful?  No.  Are they always productive?  Not exactly, but I intend to keep my sanity as well as not just lay in bed all my life.  You can’t keep yourself cooped up forever.

There was a thunderstorm tonight, the first one of the season and it was beautiful.  The rain fell outside of my window and I could almost feel it it sounded that good.  It broke the warmth we’ve felt for the past few days unfortunately, but it also brought that sigh of relief that comes after a rain storm, as well as some awkward hail that lasted a moment or two.  What is it about the rain that really gets me going?  Probably the sound, but also the feeling.  Summer rains are what really ignite that adventure feeling in me.

 I remember there was a night a few summers ago when I had walked to the beach alone and it had started to rain, so I hugged my sweater around me and walked back up to the cottage.  It was so calm and light that I could do nothing but keep going.  Who stops for shelter in a rain such as that?  Where it’s not hurting anybody, not causing discomfort but it just..happens?  I guess that happened a lot in London too, but more prominently in my memory is during the summer months.  Or driving slowly in the rain?  With the windows cracked, just feeling the breeze that always accompanies those rains hit your face.  Rain brings the sighs, the relief, the anxiety of a storm and then the pouring that breaks it.  How perfect was it to start my day off (tomorrow) with a rain/thunder storm?  After what has seemed to be one of the most challenging, testing, and rewarding semesters I find myself gearing up for the end.

So to everyone heading into exams good luck, I hope the storm hit you in your stride today and no one’s power went out long enough to lose any important files.  I wish everyone a lovely week, and cheers to the beginning of Spring, finally!

x

Ninety Seven

Day Ninety-Seven:  I think this is the right number

But sometimes I screw them up, and that’s okay because in all realness here I can just go back and edit them.  Did you know that?  I can edit my blogs to say whatever I’d like.  I can also manipulate the day posted that appears on the side, so when one comes in late (a-la-right now) it can magically be posted back in time.  It’s practically a time machine, blogspot, so, be jealous of my blogging abilities.

Speaking of my blogging abilities I’ve been looking at blogs and I realised how much I really do like them.  Remember when Perez Hilton was the thing?  It had a often-postage time slot and was usually well received and interesting, funny, different, because it posted what was relevant to him.  I think blogs are so interesting in that way, because they aren’t updated as frequently as say Twitter or Facebook, but has enough substance that maybe a post, two, or three a day would suffice.  I would love to write a blog for the rest of my life, it’s like the subversive “New New Journalism,” as if we weren’t updated enough on everyone’s lives within social media.

I never thought I’d want to work in social media because I had always dreamed of becoming a teacher, but as the technology and websites progress I feel like I could probably do something with this whole media thing, seeing as it is so different for each person and can be personalised so quickly and seemingly effortlessly.  Oh internet, how you’ve changed our lives forever.

I do miss my notebooks and pens, and this summer I’m hoping to finish that notebook I had originally planned to be part of this project but the poems didn’t fall from my brain as easily as I had hoped for as long as I had hoped, so it’s still sitting beside my bed waiting for me.  I was hoping those poems would be published someday, but I’m starting to think that maybe publishing is on its way out.  Is that a silly thing to have said?  Do people still buy and read books?  Or do they prefer short snippets like Youtube videos that are widely accessible and free?  Do they prefer short blog posts that are relevant to their own lives and accessible from anywhere in the world that supports a computer and the internet?

I love books don’t get me wrong, and I know a lot of people who love books, but there is also the curse that paperbacks have that they cost so much and yet you read them once and them place them on a shelf or loan away.  Maybe I’m just naïve here, but shouldn’t we be moving with the times?  Become more nostalgic about flipping through a book and move on to the future?  Or is this just my blindness showing again?

Well maybe I prefer websites due to the accessibility motive, is it still literature if it’s online?  Is it still worthy if it’s read aloud or on a kobo?  Does a story lose its worth through the medium in which it is told?  Or are some mediums just traditional and others progressive?  Could I be just babbling on about nothing that matters to anyone else here?  I wish I could say that I still love books with the intimacy in which I used to when I was younger and in need of an escape but somehow Youtube and video have replaced that emptiness.

And writing, writing has never stopped.  But now I write on here for you, or write for the stage, instead of writing short stories and fantasy novels.  Have I lost the touch?  The feeling of superiority towards books and fiction?  Stories?  I love stories it’s all I do if not telling stories!  But I would dare to say that oral story has taken over lately, blame it on the tech, but it has happened.

I’m not complaining, how could I?  It inspires and provokes interaction between people who would otherwise never converse. It evokes emotions and thoughts that would otherwise never happen.  It reaches more people daily than publishing ever could.  I guess what I’m trying to work out is how could a balance occur?  Or will we be losing our bookstores just as fast as the record stores soon?

x