Ninety-Four

Day Ninety-Four:  If I had my way

As classes end today I have realised that I’ve learned so much this past year from living in London to the four classes I took this term, and the information, writing skills, and people I’ve met have only helped me as a student as well as a person.   I feel smart.  What a great thing to say.  Not only smart but creative, interesting, useful.  I like to actually go to seminars and participate when I like the content and am interested in it.  Each class this term has challenged me in a variety of different ways as well as interested me at one point or the other.  One class cannot be super interesting at every moment, but it can be challenging and useful.  I’ve had a few of those this term, and I am grateful for having taken each one.

During one today I got thinking about what I really am interested in, what I want to do with the rest of my life, and if I can find a balance between creating and being happy and doing something productive and good for humanity.  Is that possible?  Is my degree going to be useful in order to help people around me?  I have handfuls upon handfuls of idea’s on how to help people, how to help my friends my family and myself, how to write and create and work on, but am I good enough?  Yesterday I was plagued with the idea that I was terrible at everything, that I wouldn’t be able to find anything useful with my degree’s and that I’d be stuck doing something unproductive and useless for the rest of my life.  I don’t think this anymore, I think I can do things that are fun and exciting and interesting and challenging and lovely and helpful, I’m just going to have to try.

What would I ideally like to do for the rest of my life?  I’d like to pursue theatre.  I’d like to use theatre and drama to improve humanity, and write blogs and love life.  This summer I’m going to keep reading and working on my independent study, and researching little things in order to prepare a proposal for some professors.  I love being busy with things that I enjoy.  I was in the theatre today for two hours and I was more happy than I have been in so long.  Just running around… I know the place.  I know backstage so well, I know the booth and Paul’s office.  I know the seats, the void, the bathrooms.  I love it I am soo in love with the theatre that it drives me insane thinking I may not be able to do this for the rest of my life.  It actually hurts.

So I want to find something that’s best for me.  Something that I can help people, and make things accessible and fun and challenging for other people.  I want everyone to enjoy what they do as much as I loved being in the theatre today.  I hope to find something useful to do when I grow up, but also something not boring and exciting.  I would love to just…be.  Is that allowed?  I have idea’s, aspirations, goals, but I have to work so hard to get there.  Good thing I’ve got enough motivation to actually enjoy what I do to get there.

So what can I say?  I’m a lot happier today because classes have finished and a little bit of stress has lifted, and I think I am going to be okay for this term’s marks, and this summer is going to be so awesome, and although I always say I’m excited to graduate next year I’m going to miss having to be busy with learning.  Not saying I’m just going to stop experiencing education or learning, I just think the stress of marks and reaching the end will lift and potentially be more enjoyable.  I guess we’ll see.

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