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Day One Hundred Twelve:  Necessarilly,

               Okay, everyone, my eyes don’t point the same way while I look at things a certain way, stop pointing out my insecurities okay?  Not only are my eyes the biggest most obvious non-symmetrical part of my body, but I am more self conscious about them than anything else.  I’ve had to deal with mismatched eyes for seven years now, and it is just so great when people make it obvious that they don’t match.  I know they don’t, just stop telling me.  For fuck’s sakes.

I get really upset about things like this because I am not perfect.  Haven’t you noticed?  I don’t look perfect, I can’t see perfectly, I’m no genius and a lot of things about my personality are flaws, and yet here I am, still standing on two feet, despite the fact that people continuously point these imperfections out to me.  It gets to me sometimes, don’t think I have the thickest skin just because I’ve had to deal with it for over a third of my life now, so again, please, stop pointing it out.

I just needed to rant about that a little bit.  For the most part I make a lot of jokes about how I can’t see, and honestly if you’ve ever made a mistake where you hand me a menu to read off the beers or said “look at that!” out the window on a train to something that I obviously can’t see don’t feel bad, because I forget sometimes too.  It’s when it’s at my expense in a hurtful, more superficially how-I-look way that gets to me.  It started when I had my first surgery, on to certain times in highschool, and since starting university it hasn’t happened much, but it gets to me it really does.

It’s hard for an adolescent girl to deal with insecurities such as starting highschool, body image, friendship, boys, and on top of all of that have to deal with a degenerative rare eye condition that causes her to go blind aaaaall at the same time.  I am strong, but only enough to get by.  I have those moments of insecurity and longing to be picture-perfect at all times, but I can’t.

So I love my little mixmatched eyes, but society doesn’t seem to market eyes the same way as I would like them to.  They also don’t market my body shape or my personality the same way either, but who’s really looking at those these days?  I am comfortable being who I am, I just don’t appreciate being made fun of for something that is so out of my own control.

If you don’t already know I’m having surgery early May to begin the process of matching my eyes, but the little eye that could is already tired from years and years of corrective and reconstructive surgery, as is the girl holding that eye in place with the rest of her.  She’d appreciate a little loosening on the grip society has on image, let it be for human’s bodies, personality, and the like.  I personally would love to see a day where myself, my sister, my friends, and the people of earth can leave the house without constantly second guessing their bodies, clothing, makeup, etc. for what the judgement other people will pass on them.  Jeez, can’t we all just love eachother for what we’ve got on the inside?

Alright, the knots in my stomach are relaxing and I can breathe easy again, I guess things bother me until they leave my head, you sentimental hearts out there can relate, it just needs to get out somewhere, you know?  Thanks for reading, as as always don’t forget how much I love you.

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