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Day Two Hundred and Eleven:  Just realised I’ve been numbering wrong…again

That beautiful moment when you finish doing the wash and the sheets are back on your bed and your window is open to let the rainy-breeze in, the sound of not still air but air in motion:  a fan, passing cars, the wind, your breathing… Whatever it might be something is moving, and when that moment occurs it’s lovely to take one of those deep breaths, you know the kind that you take after you’ve been breathing shallow-like for the day, and things quiet down, and you’re alone with your own thoughts and heart beat and space.  It’s these moments that can be argued as the reason and meaning of life. 

We work so hard, and for what?  We go to work to get satisfaction in some way.  To get paid, to help people, to become famous or successful, to learn more, to impress someone else, but in reality when we come home and shut it all off what is it all for?    What is the point without a goal, without a light at the end or part way?  What is the deal if you can’t enjoy it?  Who cares if you have all of the money in the world but you hate everything that got you there? I might just be full of hot air, but one thing I know about my future is that I wil enjoy it.

You know what’s kind of stupid though?  Why do I keep saying “my future”?  Why?  Why am I not allowed to enjoy it now?  “When I grow up I want to be happy” okay well, why can’t I be happy now?  I understand things grow, and feelings grow and relationships and knowledge and everything else that comes with life but what is it with everyone putting off happiness lately?  You don’t have to wait for the rest of your life to make an impact on someone, you can do that already right now in your position, so make that impact on yourself.

I have this beautiful meditation book about taking care of yourself, and it reminds me often that in order to take care of myself I have to treat myself like I would treat my best friend.  And to an extent Ceara I do believe that I coddle you sometimes, I take the best out of situations and make sure that despite what I really think that what I say to you is what you need to hear at that moment, but…why don’t I do that for myself?  Why don’t I focus and highlight the positives like I would to you?  Or to my sister or AJ, why can’t I just take those momento’s of part-truth, part-bad hoest cop, part-love and hugs to myself?  Why am I constantly second guessing my whole…well, everything?

I think what’s getting in the way of my struggle (and has been since I realised that I need to take care of myself) is that I intend to lend myself to other people so that they are happy, and my own happiness kind of gets influenced by the happiness of others.  This is to an extent, but happiness is relative. What makes you happy doesn’t make me happy in the same way at all, and that’s something a lot of advice givers forget.  I usually keep my mouth shut on advice because I don’t usually know the exact position or situation that people are in, but I totally lend an ear and some kind of reassurance, because if there’s one thing I know I have is the intentions for happiness for others.  So I pledge to take this into myself, and apply it to me. I have the best intentions for myself, I will be more positive and relax more when it comes to perfection. 

There are no mistakes, only incidences where we can learn and grow.  I’m a cheeseball today, but atleast I make sense.

x

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Day Two Hundred and Ten:  Soliloquey

“If I had known it by another name it would have been..well, I wouldn’t have remembered is all, because sometimes when one tries to remember anything we forget it all at once.  A blur, it’s sometimes called in that old English speak, that old way we used to communicate, and sometimes I think that our communicate patterns have blurred, a system error, one of those things I try to correct at work.  I sat here, looking at him, he seemed so slack-jawed and I wondered to myself if something was so important why was the name ever changed in the first place?  Surely some information was rarely corrected?  But no, sure as sherry things were…things were rectified, they were modified in a way that communication may not be blurred once but constantly, in a constant mode of change, of elusive temporal state of…of effemeral natures far beyond the capacity of one human being.  Oh, he still sits here infront of me, and I think to myself yet again oh, oh, things must change, must they?  Things must get by, and things must be modified.”

x

209

Day Two Hundred and Nine:  Philosophy

I had this dream the other night, and I started writing.  I started writing the things that I’ve wanted to and they have finally all fit together, and I now truly believe that dreams are just what our subconscious, our selves need to get out but can’t so they trick us while we’re sleeping.  Even the nightmares sometimes are useful when it comes to really thinking about things, and the other night when I dreamt about what I was supposed to write it just felt right.  It felt like it needed to happen, and all of my geekiness and quirkiness just camee together in one giant leap of creativity.  I just need to get it down.

Oh the times they are a-changin’,

My goal for the time I have off in August is to read, write, and og out and do as much until the term starts.  I know that I need tow rite this all down, and it might just be rough notes until my playwrighting course this fall but something’s telling me that it isn’t.  Sometimes when I get little hints like this they click until  I put them all together in one, and something’s telling me there’s an inkling somewhere that just says this needs to be held off, it needs to stew, the characters need to move around a little more in the cocoons they have in my brain until they can come walking out for me, until they can say the things they need to say.

Writing is not as abstract as it sounds for me, but I do take time to perculate.  If you know anything of my essay writing style I usually write one draft and delete the whole thing and rewrite a day or two later, and that’s just because usually my thoughts don’t go down as easily as I’d like.  That’s the same with my creative writing really, for plays anyway, and that’s how I tend to enjoy writing the best.  I love re-reading what I’ve written in order to truly get a voice down, and when it comes out smoothly I pat myself on the back, way to go inner mind cabinets, and that’s something that won’t make sense to anyone (unless you’ve read Dreamcatcher by Stephen King which I’m ventring you haven’t, so, sorry about that).

As for me I’m more of a one-hit kind of girl.  If I’m going to write something creative I’m going to sit down ony once or twice for a very long period of time and write it all down at once, or the idea’s just don’t fit together.  That’s the same for my essay writing, I can’t break up the time I work on it its just not how my thoughts go together.  And so when I do these blogs and posts and series I usually write them all at once because they don’t usually sit cohesively if they aren’t all written in one shot.

My advice for writers?  Find what’s best for you.  You can’t learn from a book how to write, the only good way to learn is to read as much as possible and to practise.  Write everyday, write poetry, write songs and write smiling.  Write in the rain and write upside down do what you gotta do to get it all out, sometimes I think I’d be a good dramaturg, a good person to pull the words out of people, and sometimes I wish I could pull more out of myself.

X

208

Day Two Hundred and Eight:  Metalics and Stripes, right?

Sometimes I think I know what I’m doing, but most of the time I just kind of go.  I have the confidence, and that’s what gets me by, but I would love to know how to do everything.  Is it so hard to want to lead sometimes?  Again, though, is it so hard to want to take the back seat at some points?  It’s that odd conundrum swirling through and struggling with the idea that I want to move forward and look ahead and be challenged, but at the same time I want to just sip at a coffee and settle.  Which do I choose?  The exhausting option?  When does that exhaustion pay off enough to enjoy what I’m doing?  Does it ever?  I just am getting this feeling that I might be stuck, stuck in the challenge and stuck with those dry tired eyes, that’s always what it comes down to though, right?

X

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Day Two Hundred and Seven:  When Have You Arrived?

  I think we all focus too much.  That seems kind of silly, but just be.  I have this thing for people, and being around them, and I do love people but sometimes it’s nice to just be.  Take the load off, stop overplanning stop focusing on everything and take a minute and breathe.  Money isn’t everything.  It’s a lot, but it really isn’t everything.  The things these eyes have seen make up for the fact that whenever I get more than a certain amount in my bank account I want to put a downpayment on a trip.  I love the fact that things end, and I love thinking that I was once in love for a brief period of four days and it was intense and beautiful and now it’s ended and now it’s ended.    These eyes have seen more than something you’ve thought of, and I can’t see many faces or things in the first place.  Money isn’t everything but we need it, right?  And casting your vote for a corporation isn’t so bad when it’s beautiful, right?  What about options?  I like having options, but if I have too many places to apply shouldn’t maybe make a choice or two beforehand?  I like choosing when it’s good things, but I make bad decisions sometimes too, and sometimes I’m bossy and sometimes I have high expectations but I think everyone around me thinks that way too.  Oh don’t be serious every moment and dance in the rain sometimes.  Once I was in love for four months and it was intense and beautiful and then it ended.  And then it ended.

I think more things in life should be as brief as soulmates.

Is it obvious that I go back and forth on some things and other times I am so set on my opinions?  I focus on a lot of positive things on here because I think it is important to keep thinking forward, moving, always move forward, because there are always endings, they are inevitable, even if you’re a self starter who knits half a scarf and gives up there’s still an end somewhere, but the thing about it is is to anticipate it to the point where you enjoy the breathing that happens daily, or the smiles that you may or may not see, or the times where you’re singing in a car as loud as you can off key and that’s okay because it’s pat benetar and everyone knows that that’s okay, right?  It doesn’t matter, because it will all end, right?  Don’t focus, let it all be, and thinking about other things is good too.  Read the newspaper, think about someone other than yourself, buy a coffee for a friend, smile, hug lots hug everyone jesus don’t care about those social things just hug.  What is the big deal?

What is the big deal?  Life is serious, but life is beautiful.

x

206

Email athol, mark, deb-books, barry,

Day Two Hundred and Six:  Making Excuses

Not that I have to explain myself to you or anything, but I think it’s important to express the importance of writing these blogs with quality than quantity in this post because as of today I am behind on two posts, so I am going to write two today and two tomorrow and be caught up.  Why do I do that?  I don’t want things to get repetitive, or to get useless and boring, even though sometimes that’s unavoidable it’s important to me I will know I do I would know!

I haven’t written much in the past few days.

I have been reading though, which has been so wonderful.  Reading is just like writing.  I mean it’s a lot less creative work but it’s just as thought-provoking and analytical.  It’s been one of those adventures through reading that I take once a summer where I read one book with my eyes.  It’s a different experience, something that not a lot of people can experience because it’s so different for me.  Words are so different than I remember, and so are my eyes.  Isn’t life just so grand?

Now that my courses are winding down (for sure this Friday, actually) I am hoping to start writing this weekend more and more for myself.  I might be relatively open with this kind of writing, but I keep everything else to myself.  That’s what this is though, it’s all for me.  I don’t need to explain myself!

So this is all about not making excuses I suppose, and I suppose I should get writing a real post.  Getting to the writing is the hardest part, once I sit down and go for it then I just run with it.

X

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Day Two Hundred and Five:  Hiatus

Consider this a farewell until the end of the weekend.  I’ve been neglecting my personal meditation books lately and it’s been wearing me down, and so for this weekend I am taking some time from the blog and the phone and social media and all that kind of stuff.  I need to recharge, and I do not feel bad about the fact that I need to recharge often, it’s been a busy summer after all.  Summer is all about recharging, right?  Except when there’s work and classes to be done, but come August I am taking a full month of recharging in order to gear up for the next term, where I will no doubt need weekends off from the world in order to recharge again.

So this weekend I hope you all take time to let yourself relax a little, stop stressing, take your mind of things, and make sure you’re doing things for you.  Consider yourself into all of your plans.  The one thing I don’t do very often is remember to take care of myself.  To eat properly, and sleep, and to not overbook myself with my weeks.  Lately I’ve been busy all day doing work and then all night with social things, friends, dinners, and homework.  It leaves little room to shut down myself.  It leaves little room for taking care, which was my mantra earlier this year.  I need to get back to that.

Need to find my happy place, with my big red cuordoroy chair on the shore.

x

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Day Two Hundred and Four:  What are Underoo’s, exactly?

I should be sleeping, but I am writing a little here first.  Today was draining on many levels, but it was all in good faith.  Something about being kept busy has been justso satisfying lately.  I like to think through things and problem solve, but tomorrow is going to be one of those challenging days that deserves a drink afterwords.  I need to work on the balancing of good and stressful days, but tomorrow is a day that I dread in a good day.  It’s going to be busy, and worrisome, and nerve=wracking, but it is going to be good.  I am determined for it to be good.  That’s the thing, that’s the “secret” right?  Put into the world what you want out ofit?  If you want good things to happen to you you think good things?  I am trying that for now, maybe it’l pay off, I’ll let you know tomorrow.

Also to my brother and sister:  I wish I was in there watching US Netflix tonight but I need to get to bed for that big day tomorrow, promise to make up for it in Sauble this weekend with Beavertails and cuddles.

x

203

Day Two Hundred and Three:  Fabulous.

The pictures of Kate coming out of the hospital after having her baby just add her to my fabulous list.  When did I stop being so fabulous?  When did I stop that walk?  I’m not quite a diva, but not quite a hermit, and the walk just accompanies it.  Confidence and comfort are two things that come hand in hand with fabulousness, and the walk.  I fel like any mom who comes out of the hospital the day after pushing out a kid deserves to be fabulous even for that one moment, and if any time to be praised for being it Kate deserved it today.

What rockin’ parents, though, legit, like despite Will’s hairline they are beautiful people with a beautiful kid who may be in the spotlight but that kid didn’t ask for it, he doesn’t know he’s going to be King, so like, let’s all just appreciate how fabulous that kid is for a minute.

Families are fabulous, when they are confident and comfortable, and so are people.  I know a lot of fabulous kids who got on horses today, and most of them were nervous and all of them a little intimidated by these huge majestic creatures who are literally unknowns for most of them, and yet they all took that swing of the right leg over its back and trusted us to guide them around the arena on a horse.  I have never been so proud of them, those fabulous campers of mine, for kicking butt today on the horses.

My staff are also fabulous.  They have grown into their positions this year, and have taken charge and relaxed into it, and sometimes its rocky or hot, but man, they’re fabulous.  How lucky am I?

Tomorrow’s pajama day, it’ll be fabulous.  My new mantra is to be Fabulous, just think fabulous, and you know what? My stress has lifted.  All of the questions, doubts, they have literally all lifted.  I have never had such…well, actually, I have had this realisation.  January first I ha this realisation that man I am brilliant and fabulous and guess what?  Yeah, I missed Europe, and that one guy, and I missed being able to see and being seven again and eating salmon, but I knew I was fabulous.  I was comfortable and confident, and by golly I’ve done it again.

I’m back, world, watch out.

x

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Day Two Hundred and Two:  Something About Hundreds

I pledge that I will get up at six in the morning tomorrow for yoga.  This morning was a lazy day, I slept in, and I need to get back into that routine.  I don’t like being lazy anymore, it physically bothers me to not be productive or active now, and so I try to get up at a time where it might make sense to be peaceful.  I pledge to start my day with calm and not unrest, and I hope to begin this tomorrow.  Something about passing the two hundred point has left me working on trying to think of new idea’s, which brings me to another topic today:  Is this all okay?

Is this pressure to write good enough for my mentality?  Is it a good enough challenge anymore?  As I think about this, I realise that jeez who am I to try to challenge myself any more?  I sit here writing these posts everyday and sometimes they’re good and most of the time they are kind of half-assed but all of the time they are written with love and from me, and it makes me feel good about myself to be productive atleast once a day in a positive way.  How lazy is it to uphold a 365 day blog, really?

So I guess even on lazy days I have the ability to produce something, and if I ever try to change and challenge even more I know it will be for the best.

x

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Day Two Hundred:  I’m No Photographer

When I grow up (Definition:  When I no longer come home from work and have homework, or ever have homework) I have determined that I will be the kind of person who comes home from work, makes dinner, and then watches shows.  That will be the usual anyway, I will probably continue on with Netflix and parouse a few TLC/FoodTV channels but for the most part my shows that I am used to.  If I have other plans then let it be but for the most part I will be a tea and Netflix girl for life, I believe.

I wrote a while ago about feeling unproductive when I wasn’t working out or doing homework, and so when I am actually relaxing I feel like I should be productive instead.  I am combating that with the fact that the majority of people after dinner turn on the telly, and I refuse to deny myself the same priveledge.  I put too much pressure on myself as is, let alone during my own free time for pete’s sake!

I want to snuggle up tonight and start working on my list for Peru and watch my shows.  I am in need of a tv show on Netflix to watch after I finish this one I’m working on, but I’m sure one will pop up.  Beautiful thing Netflix, I feel like I should just marry it since it seems to be the most compatible device for me. 

As for you I hope you’ve given yourself some time off this weekend.  We all do need it, some time that isn’t sleep related where we can shut our minds off. Maybe you enjoy parusing tumblr, or riding your bike, or cooking, but I hope you had some time for it today or at least this weekend.  I don’t know uch about the act of growing up, but I do know that we all need a break sometimes.

x

200

DAY TWO HUNDRED:  WHAT WHAT

Over halfway finished my blog and I feel like I’ve written about a whole lot of nothings.  What can I say now?  That it’s two hundred days into the year and I feel like I’ve come so far, retracted, come far, retracted?  Do I regret things?  Sometimes, small things.  That’s usually what gets to me, those darned small things the little details that a lot of people don’t notice.  For example I regret wear wedges on Friday because now my feet are incredibly sore, but really in the grand scheme of things it makes no difference because it was a brief moment.  What happens when those little things grow into bigger things?

What happens when a friendship, or an aquantence becomes something greater and then that retraction happens?  What about doubt and being unsure?  I always say Just Say Yes, and yet I find myself saying yes and then regretting.  I need to think things through, but what if after a long time about thinking of the small details, the small pro’s and con’s, and am still confused?  And my heart says two different things and the rest is all just confused?  Why can’t things just be laid out for you?

But you know what’s great about all of this?  Is that it is painful, and frustrating and hurtful and hard, but that it is a challenge and it is life.  I feel like I am really living, despite the fact that it may cause people pain or myself pain or anything else, I still feel like I am living.  I just hate it right now, but it will all make sense eventually I am sure.

I guess for now it’s just time to coast and try to understand.  I’m not a religious person but thinking of why I would be put through these kind of situations boggles me.  To make me stronger?  To truly challenge the way I think and am to other people?  Is it so hard to ask for a little break mentally for a change?  I can’t handle everything right now.

I can’t handle this, but atleast it’s happening, at least it’s something.

z

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Day One Hundred and Ninety-Nine:  Writing From Bed.

  How are you?  I'm good thank, just sitting in bed.  Watching Netflix as usual, and now I'm cuddled and feeling cosy.  I have been a little unsettled all day, I think this week has just been one of those weeks, ya know?  Where it lags and is hot and muggy and tiring, and then when it gets to the end and you realise that the weekend is probably going to be busy and little sleep as well, it just makes me want to take more vacations.  Sunday is going to be a stayvacation for me, but I'll still have to do homework.  I am two weeks away from being done this semester and three weeks away from my actual summer vacation!  I tell ya, I'm going to spend most of it learning how to cook and going to the Grand River.

I wish it was going to be warm enough to wear my jean jacket tomorrow, but I think it's going to be really warm again.  I might bring it just incase, or this cardigan, so that if it's cold on the bus I can snuggle up in it.  I have this thing about snuggling and being cosy, but if you've met me you probably know that.

I wish this was going to be a more meaningful post, but it realy is just outlining the things that are going on with me lately.  A little overwhelmed, lots of support, some great friends and family, and most of all I am just proud to be me finally.  I feel healthy, and smart, and confident, it's a great feeling.

I mean I still complain, there are people who are not in my life anymore that I miss, and figuring out what to do with my future is getting convoluted and confusing, but it's a challenge and I love it.  I really do I love the challenge that life is right now, and I am just...taking it.  I am taking it and loving it.  I am so repeatful today.

II hope everyone is having a lovely friday night, I might just head back to my tv show and stop letting my brain unfold on this post for you.  I don't know if this kind of thing is interesting to anyone, someone once told me that they liked my stream of consciousness posts, but I doubt he reads these anymore.

x

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Day One Hundred and Ninety-Eight:  And the History Books Forgot About Us

One of the most defining moments of my life was standing in King’s Cross station for the first time and feeling like I was on top.  Yes, I was overheating like mad and was starving and overtired and confused and overwhelmed, but it was just one of those moments.  I talk a lot about “making it,” I had finally made it.  But at this particular moment that wasn’t what I was thinking about.  I remember walking down the small side road between King’s Cross and St.Pancras with AJ on one side and London on the other and thinking I was literally legitimately looking at the entire world and that feeling has stuck with me since that moment.  It has almost been a year since then.

I miss London every single day.  I miss England, I miss Europe, but boy, do I miss London.  I miss the people, the roads, the air.  And I miss the feeling that I would get atleast once a day, that I was standing looking at the entire world and loving it.  That was the top of my life, the peak, the castle in the heavens, and I crave it everyday.  I struggle to not hop on a bus and head back immediately.  I think it’s that willpower that drives me to look for more and more possibilities of living there in the future.

I remember being there and in Notting Hill one afternoon my Auntie was visiting and asked if I could see myself living there.  I could, and I always say if I could comfortably, but I am starting to think that I might need to go back and live there for longer just because.  Just to have the experience of a crappy loft apartment with other British people and living off of wasabi once a week and tesco cheese and banana’s for the rest.  I want that experience (again) but I am ready for it in a new way.  I am ready to just be again.

I’m coming home, London, I promise.

x

197

Day One Hundred and Ninety-Seven:  Time

  My biggest fear is running out of time.  Running out of time to do all of the things that I love doing, and running out of time to do everything that I want to do.  It’s an abstract fear of death, but in my opinion is not so much the “not being here” aspect but more of the “not being able to finish what I want to do in life.”  I focus greatly on the quality of life that I lead, is it worth it to abstain from eating chocolate if on the grand scale of things it comforts me?  If anything I’ll eat the damn chocolate.  If I died tomorrow I’d kick myself if I didn’t.

I chide often on here about taking risks and doing what makes you happy, but in reality you don’t have to or probably listen to me, and that’s cool that’s your choice, and really it’s silly of me to tell people to do what they don’t want to.  You can do what you want.  If thinking abstractly you never do make mistakes, because the choices that you make define you as a person and ultimately your quality of life, and if you are happy with those decisions (as long as you’re not hurting anyone else) then it shouldn’t matter to me how many risks you take, or really your choices. I trust that you know what’s best for you, and if your quality of life is defined bu not taking risks all of the time and you’re happy with that, who am I to say any different?

I don’t give a lot of advice.  I am relatively self aware that the majority of my advice is bs or just…I don’t know what to say.  It’s not that I wouldn’t love to help you, it’s just that I don’t trust myself to advise other people when I myself aren’t in the situation.  This is kind of what I expect from other people, as I would love to just be listened to and not given advice when not asked for.  I guess I just follow what I wish to be applied to me, or whatever. 

What I’m trying to get at is that time is one of those things, ya know?  It’s one of those things that we all kind of deal with on a daily, 24/7 basis.  It’s truly the only inescapeable aspect of life, and it ticks away without even thinking about how its passing affects us.  Time defines so much, and throughout history humans have successuly integrated Time into their, well, schedules.  Even just by following sunrise to sunset, the passing shapes of the moon, and the changing of tides is considered watching the time. 

Despite your age, the colour of your hair, where you live, the language you speak or the pace in which you read this post, you consider time most moments of your life.  And what does that say about us humans?  It says we have found where we fit amongst the earth and that is by following time patterns and realising that if we wear snowshoes in the winter and tank tops in the summer that eventually the weather temperature will pass.  We have written ourselves in amongst the aging tree’s and the vast oceans to count the days until we are done.  How…depressing.

So don’t count the days.  On your birthday?  Celebrate “Happy Shining Beauty” instead of your Seventeenth, and figure that you are the person you want to be, the quality of your life is at when you are the age of seventeen, instead of that year closer in time.  Time is beautiful in all of its intricacies, but we are glued to it.  Just smile, okay?  Like, you’re awesome, you’ve made it this far!  And you are beautiful!

Gosh, you’re so lucky to be here and living and can type and read and laugh out loud and eat chocolate and complain about time at all.  Think about those things, instead of the fears of the impending dooms of the world, because those are the things that really get us through, relaly.

x

196

Day One Hundred and Ninety-Six:  I Feel Like Dancing

Huh, there’s a lot of things I feel like.  I feel like sleeping for two days, I feel like drinking ice cold water until I drown, I feel like driving in my boyfriend’s car instead of working out tonight, and I feel like smiling.  I may get a short fuse sometimes, I may feel tired or irritated or overwhelmed, but I have to wrap my head around the fact that I feel a lot of things at once.  Right now I feel like dancing and I feel overwhelmed, it’s very interesting that you can feel two very different things.

I spent time with my siblings today and I felt that since we don’t get a lot of time together it was nice to wander around the mall and sit together and spend time laughing and making jokes.  We don’t as a family get too many moments together, and the three of us especially don’t get time for all of us.  It was nice to know they were smiling beside me, they mean so much to me and although I’ve been all over the place the past few years I always know that they are the home that I come home to.  The arms that I come in to, and I wouldn’t change that for anything right now.

It’s nice to have a place to come home to when you feel so many things at once.  When I feel like watching ridiculous tv shows or watch movies upon movies in a row they are there, but when I feel like sleeping on the couch they will leave me alone and then wake me for dinner.  They are excited when I feel excited, and they smile and dance when I feel like it too.  It’s one of those great feelings to know that us three are going to be us three for our lives.  Destiny, it seems, has put us together.

Love you guys, thanks for dealing with me whatever I feel.  For now, I feel like sleeping.

x

195

Day One Hundred and Ninety-Five:  M

  In so much withering, in the woods with us they were,

Next to our packs, our canteens, our shelter,

But they took none, and fell short, behind,

And shriveled in the sunlight.

Sometimes we follow sheep to find the right path,

And others stars, following the endless round sky,

And others follow nothing but the reassurance of presence,

I trust in the earth beneath my feet, heavy at my tough.

So neat, so tactile, so dusty and faded as they followed,

Crushed between patience and pressure to go,

A leader among us?  A leader, hushed whispers and pointing,

But no, just once more, another withering, another behind.

I’ve been trapped in books, in classes, in relationships,

In the dead of night, in a hot summer’s day,

Being trapped it seems is contagious, and so are they

But I truly do believe it’s due to their belief.

They believe us to carry water, to carry answers,

And yet we must only carry dreams, and canteens

For ourselves, a selfish generation of prolonging and longings,

And insecurity.

 x

194

Day One Hundred and Ninety-Four:  Short Term

The heat has been neauseating today and yesterday to the point where we have the air conditioning turned up so high that a sweater is necessary.  I will not complain, because in the grand scheme of things temperature and weather are mostly day-to-day and remembering if a day was beautiful or not only matters on your wedding day and if you’re going to the beach.  If you’re sitting in an office it doesn’t matter too much, but bringing eight blind kids to an outdoor pool?  It’d be great if it didn’t rain.

Camp has been lovely, and although I only attended the first two days I will be there all of this week, as well as writing some work-related things and maintaining sanity somewhere in there.  Work has never really been “work” for me before at the CNIB because of all of the amazing people I work with, and the positive energy that exudes from our office.  I am so lucky to be working in such a community that people support eachother whole-heartedly.

Thinking of work prospects is daunting lately, work is one of those things that I believe you should enjoy and feel needed and feel that it is worth it.  I want to enjoy what I do and feel like I am contributing and productive.  I think that’s why I love working with organisations that work towards helping people, and working on projects and programs that support people.

As for right now I am not sure if I can handle working through my school term, because as it stands working while doing a semester of university coursework is not only a headache but recipe for something worse than disaster:  unbelievable stress.  I am having a hard time with only two classes, not to mention five.  But I will be volunteering and working on different projects, as well as finishing my degree’s.

If anything I just want to feel productive.  That is key for me, because otherwise I feel like I am useless.  If I don’t feel needed or worth than my motivation runs away.  Oh motivation, that fox, always escaping.  But really, it sems like the more I think about work and school and the future the more doors and opportunities become available, which is pretty neat to me.

So no more stressing about the future, life is too fleeting to really focus on that much, to wory about that much, and not to smile along the way.  Happy Sunday, everyone.

x

193

One Hundred and Ninety-Three:    It’s Today

Saturday July 13, 2013

Dear Diary,

I spent the day with a boy today.  He took me to Guelph, I go to school there so I know where everything is, and I like to show people around.  We parked at my house and I showed him my posters and we picked up my jean jacket I had left there and a book of chocolate recipes Dev gave me for my birthday.  We walked downtown and it was a little too hot, but we made it.  After brunch at the Cornerstone we walked up and down downtown Guelph for books, antiques, vinyl and cinnamon buns.  I bought a painting, he carried it home for me.

We walked back to the car in the heat and it was one of those early afternoon jaunts that is after the happenings of the day and a little bit too long, too hot, and so we were relatively quiet.  By the time we got back to Waterloo we were both very tired, and fell asleep for a nap.

After this we woke up and watched a documentary on the McCain campaign in the states and it was frustrating but good.  It’s nice we can talk about politics and things, and something he told me last night he likes that I challenge him, which is nice… I have the tendency to follow EA Games and challenge everything (Playstation joke if you’re lost).

We bought sushi for dinner and ate it on my back deck.  We like eating back there because it’s especially cooler in the evening and there are lots of tree’s.  We watched some movies and ended up being ery tired by the end of the day.  Between the sun and the driving it turned into a long day.  A long-y but a good-y.

Diary, I don’t know what to tell you.  I think today was one of the best of the summer that I’ve had, because sometimes it’s just nice to spend a day going about and doing your own thing with someone who genuinely wants to see what your thing is.

Thanks, Adam, for spending the day with me.  Don’t forget it’s your turn.

xox

192

Day One Hundred and Ninety-Three:  On Top of the World

I wrote about growing up the other day and the thing about growing up for me that nags at my thoughts is that I need to decide.  Why do we have to?  Why do we have to choose the rest of our lives?  What does that even mean?

Can’t I just be happy, and carry on?  Can’t I just take what comes at me, shoot for my dreams and live comfortably knowing that I am in fact living my dreams?  My dreams aren’t that far-fetched or unrealistic at this point, it’s incredible to me that I could achieve some of them, and in my opinion too many people settle.

So thinking of what to do, where to live, and what I want is getting to be a regular thing.  I  constantly think that Europe is the place for me, and then again I want to take a few months off and travel Canada for a bit.  What about Buton where did my Buton dream go?  Something about seeing the world just gets my engine going.

I think what gets me the most about making decisions like this is that I have such support in my life.  My parents encourage me to follow every dream, to go to school and to travel and to take chances, and that supports me beyond belief when it comes to making those kind of decisions.  My friends provide insight and love and stress-relief, but also know that they can talk to me.  I have councellors and advisors who not only listen to all of this repeatedly, but give input and resources.  My coworkers and die-hard listener this week boss Jen listen to my idea’s, my rambling for hours, and yet still have time to pat me on the head in support.  The support system I have is impeccable, I am eternally grateful.

So what?  What now?  I write these, I read things, I work I become educated, I meet people and see and experience new things, and then…?  Live?  Live.  Live live live.  I say this every week it seems, but life, my friends, is so fleeting.  It slips away from us, and the reality is is that we don’t have all of the time in the world to do what we want.  If you want to be with someone, jump off the bridge, take that risk, it will be worth the experience.  If you want to take a year off, do it, travel  expand, grow. It’s worth it, if you find it worthy it is.  It makes a difference to you.

I hope everyone is having a lovely evening, I sure had a fantastic day, week, month, everything just seems to be pulling together so nicely. 

x

191

Day One Hundred and Ninety One:  Purchasing

I watch a lot of tv where everyone either has the ability to pay off credit cards or not worry about it, and for me I do not have the ability to “treat myself” every week, let alone month maybe no even year, on big purchases.  I try to take little steps, make little purchases, and let them amount to biger things.  Why I’m writing about this is because of the simple task that I am trying to mount which is to find a new duvet cover for my bed.  I currently have this pink patterned fowery one, which is great and all but I am looking for something different.

In my head I would really like a denim coloured duvet, but I think I should go for something more bold.  I found a black and white striped one, but that is almost too much of a statement for me.  I think I need to go to the store sometime next week and take a look and find some pillows to match.  I currently do not have a headboard, so I just have my own wills and likings to combat with my price range.  Nothing over eighty dollars and fifty if I can manage.  It means it will be mediocre quality, but for my beding I just need something that looks nice, my heets make up for it, this isn’t the UK, after all, we use sheets here in Canada.

It may seem mundane to some to be pondering so heavily over a comforter for one’s bed, but in my opinion how you style your furniture says a lot about you.  I’ve written about being comfortable in my space and being cosy is important to me, but I also appreciate having a nice-looking area.  I may not be the neatest person alive but I do have some kind of style, I will take that much for myself.  I would just appreciate being able to afford nice things for myself again, ya know?  Oh the student life.  Oh oh.

I cannot complain, but I will be heading to Home Sense in he near future, and don’t blame me if I’m writing of a new cover, pillows, vases and kitchenware next week.  I can’t help myself, sometimes a girl needs a few new kicks.

x

190

One Hundred and Ninety:  “Brunette Ambition”

Sometimes I just don’t understand the world.  I don’t understand what’s going on, or why people are so cruel to eachother, but for the most part I really just don’t understand taking things for granted or being ignorant.  Maybe I’m biased, but why doesn’t everyone just look at people and consider them others and give them merit for what they do?

When I was in twelfth grade I directed a play for my final year’s drama class.  Halfway through the term the cast aked me for feedback and so I wrote each member a heartfelt letter describing their positives onstage and where they could improve.  Suggestions and praise,so that they would feel like a part of the team but also give them places and pieces to work on.  Each member came up to me the next day thanking me for their notes and I saw an improvement within the week. 

It’s not that every single person has things that are good or things that need improvement, but I think people work better together as a team but also under leadership when given something to work off of.  Given what they do well and what they can do, and I work that way.  I strive to challenge the challenge that I am faced with, and I enjoy the challenge.  Sometimes critizism is hard to take, trust me I know, but I have learned time after time of being under the magnifying glass that it is good to be given advice, to be suggested at, to be picked at, when working with a team.  It is the way to improve, in my opinion.

And strive.  What a great word.  I love the idea of helping people attain goals or improve skills by challenging them,  I love my job because I do not teach but ecourage and challenge.  All I want in life is to be happy and challenged, it’s a great goal to strive towards.

x

189

Day One Hundred and Eighty Nine:  Knowing Who You Are

It’s the meaning of life, what we all search for…”self.”  A sense of self, when we pass a certain age our one goal in life is to “figure out who we are” and by no means do we find it.  I may only be twenty-one, but a merely twenty years here has led me to believe that although we want to so desperately, and we search and try, we will never understand ourselves.  We will never know a stable “self.”

I realised this, and then felt relief.  How great is it to trust that there really is no one time that I am going to be…”me.”  I will just continue to be satisfied with being, just being, and to live day to day in the actions and choices that I make and although in the back of my mind I will always be looking for that mirrored reflection of self I know that I will always be searching for a nonexistent perfection.  A portrayal of myself that exists only in my head, and that what I should be searching for is the right words to say, the right way to go, and less about…well, just me.

Just be.  Just be just be.  My mom used to quote Genie and say Just bee yourself!”  And really, it’s great advice.  Just be.  You are yourself, if you are not yourself than I would venture to say that you are yourself just have changed.  It’s funny when people say you have changed and aren’t yourself, but that’s essentially it.  People change.  No one is one self for too long.  I heard that you change your personality completely every seven years on average, which is fascinating to me.  I can’t wait to continue changing, I think it makes me a better person.

I think amidst all of the busy-ness and the mystery that is my life at the moment I have come to appreciate the sole space of my mind.  The pieces of it that go here, the pieces I share with others, and the pieces that I keep for myself.  The dreams, fantasties, fascinations, that don’t make it to this page but stay cooped up in a back drawyer waiting for a time to be pulled out to play.  I desperately want to start learning anthropology because humans fascinate me in general.

I’ve had a hectic weekend and day of introspective self-awareness and overthinking.  I think I need to take a step back from my life and take my own advice:  Take the risk.  It will be worth it if not for the outcome but for the journey, and if nothing else will contribute to my ever flowing happiness (ha-ha) and my powerful search for self… ha-ha, yet again.

xa

187

Day One Hundred and Eighty-Seven:  Third Time’s a Charm

Jess’s Advice Series #7:  Growing Up

Responsibility is not the only thing that grows as time passes.  You grow up.  Things change, things like your relationship with your family and friends, your feelings towards things like skateboards and mall parking lots, and first and foremost your relationship with school.  I’ve written many-a-blogs about school and how frustrating it is to figure it all out.  But I think it isn’t school that really is getting to me, it’s figuring out what I would succeed in and what I would actually enjoy doing.  The trick to growing up is to pretend that you know what’s up and then jump onto certain things as they come up.  Take opportunities, make choices go out spend money.  That’s growing up, or to me it is.

The biggest, scariest change that comes with growing up is challenging yourself.  I’ve been looking into finishing programs for next year and have come across a lot of things that look interesting and fun, but most of all they will be challenging.  Do I even want to do a masters?  Or do I want to get my Bed?  Is just travelling for a year really a thing?  Or should I start working and make a living for once?  Growing up is about making challenging decisions it eems, and so my advice to you is to make some bold ones.

Become a bold grown up.  Grow up in style, make big decisions and live an exciting life.  Hey, an exciting life for me sometimes is having a mimosa before eleven thirty am, so live like you want.  That’s another portion to this advice post:  Live the way you want to.  Grow up how you think you should.  Yes your parents will say somethings, my grandpa told me to get a government job because there will always be money in that and to not do anything too specific.  Well Grandpa, I’d love to, but sometimes I don’t agree with what the government has to say, and I think what I have to say might be more important to me than money…

Someone told me a few days ago that it’s the lifestyle you should be looking for not the materialistic, insides to that life.  I sort of agree with this.  My lifestyle right now is one of a student:  Make money get educated and drink beer.  I think the lifestyle that I want will depend on the soulmates I’ve surrounded myself with, and that’s kind of the point to me.

The people.  Where I am.  What I’m looking at out my front window.  Growing up is about making choices, and for me right now it’s about making the right choice to be where I need to be.  I think I made a big decision this afternoon about next summer, and the upcoming year of my life.  Making those big decisions starts with university I’d say and never quite ends.  The funny thing about growing up is that it doesn’t end at a career, or marriage, or retirement, “growing up” seems to be the term that we allocate to “doing things to ensure a quality within life.”

So I change this advice to make bold decisions about the quality of life you want to lead…and stick to it, and make it happen.  I hear and read a lot about people who believe they can’t…”change their stars” as it were, but honestly if you want something you’ll make it happen.  And if you don’t make it happen I don’t quite think you’ve started your “grown up” stage yet.

Maybe this is only all relative to me, but what can I say?  This is all coming from me.  You can read this advice from the past week and think I’m full of shit, but what I’m trying to get at here is that I think this is important and I want to share it with people.  This blog has been a part of my journey to grow up, because I haven’t let my words and the possibility of my words only being relateable to me stop me.  I don’t let much stop me, actually.

So, good luck, and I wish you all the best on your journeys.

x

186

Day One Hundred and Eighty-Six:  I fudged the numbers again

Jess’s Advice Series #6:  Sleep

Of all the things in life that we all share, that feeling of pride at a good mark, greed when we want something desperately, everyone shares the love of sleep.  Even the insane people who can run and thrive on little hours of sleep will say that they do appreciate the dormant down time.  When it comes to me I love it, and when it escapes me I crave it.  Sleep is the world’s elusive love.

So I must suggest to everyone to get enough of it.  People become cranky and angry when they don’t get enough, and so just do it.  Go to bed earlier, stop reading stop watching tv and just close your eyes.  Your body, mind, emotions, energy levels, and the people around will thank you for it.

If there’s one thing I learned from travelling and backpacking was that being an insomniac and staying in lumpy unregulated temperature beds for extended periods of time (or short ones) sleep becomes the one thing you crave most.  Not comfortable shoes, not normal food, not your family or maple syrup, but sleep.  Sleep allows me personally to enjoy things and embrace adventuring with a lot more enthusiasm. 

x

185

Day One Hundred and Eighty-Sox:  xx

Jess’s Advice Series #6:  Something About Time

Time is one of those things that gets away from all of us.  My biggest fear in life is running out of time, and recently I’ve come to the big decision to stop taking time for granted, and stop getting so frustrated with my moods, and silly moments and overlook them for the simple times and the goodness that comes with time.  Time may be elusive, and mysterious, and confusing and slps away just as easily as it shows up, but it is important to look at time as something to take advantage of, and not let get away from you.

Wouldn’t it be great if we had all of this time and could use it to our advantage?

It’s funny, because we can.  That’s what life is, isn’t it?  Use it to our advantage!  Time management is important, because what we do with our time is important and how we spend those moments.  Whether we regret things, whether we spend our time complaining…  It seems to me that time is best spent doing what you’d like.  I like to do fun things, and smile, but sometimes I take the time I spend with people for granted and let my moods get the best of me. I pledge to stop doing this, or to do my best to start to combat that…for my and everyone else’s sake.

So I would like to advise to take the time you spend doing…anything, and spend it to your advantage.  Enjoy it.  Enjoy the time you spend, because regardless if you are reading, working, with friends, running, etc. your time is precious.  It ticks away every second, you know.

x

184

Day One Hundred and Eighty-Four:  Education

Jess’s Advice Seriees 55:  Never Stop Learning

It seems as though I always find myself wanting to protest that “MY BRAIN IS FULL” whenever I head back to school, and yet I find myself driven to learning new things over the summer.  Even when I graduate I plan to continue to expand, if not in specific classes I’d appreciate continuing the expansion of knowledge, skills, let it be reading the newspaper or trying to learn how to knit from a youtube video.  I personally would love to learn how to properly edit a video, and yet I still end up passing over it for Netflix every evening.

I think while I’m still in school I will take the breaks while I can because when in classes my brain IS full, and yet when I finish I intend to keep learning.  But I can imagine how it might be hard, but I would like to extend my encouragement to not get stuck in work-school-sleep, and to work towards a variety of activities to keep your mind sharp.  Knitting, the paper, reading, youtube video’s, cookbooks, adventurous workout ventures, and the like.  If it were up to me I would have the time and the energy to keep going on and on all day.

And include other people.  It’s great to do things alone and learn things and show off and things, but the experience of encouragement, motivation, and to share learning skills and the like with other people is as rewarding as alone.  This may only be my opinion, but expanding your mind is only interesting as a monologue for so long, at some point you’ll have to expand the conversation, no?

So set a goal today on something you’d like to learn, go on, it’ll be fine even something very small like how to start your own blog or cook a shephard’s pie, but make it something worth it for you to take that step into learning, because there is so much out there for all of us to experience.

x

183

Day One Hundred and Eighty-Three:  Living Out Loud

Jess’s Advice Series #4:  Putting Yourself Out There

It doesn’t have to be on stage, or infront of a crowd of people, or in any way confrontation, but I suggest making a move at one point or another, preferably sooner than later.  Take a risk, jump out of your comfort zone challenge yourself.  It’s one thing to submit your resume to Tim Hortens, and another to a position that you relaly want.  What have you got to lose?  What is there to lose?  While thinking about graduate schools I am going to shoot for the stars.  A handful of stars but I’m still shooting for the big and the small, because really, what have I got to lose?  I suggest putting yourself out there in one shape or form sometime because if you fall you know you can do it, and if you succeed then you continue on to shoot for bigger stars.  It’s as simple as that.  I talk about it every day: why not?  Say yes, take the harder class, ask her out, do what you want to and make sure that it’s bold enough to satisfy yourself.  You’ll never know what would have happened if you didn’t even try.

x

182

Day One Hundred and Eighty-Two:  Reading

Jess’s Advice Series #3:  A Novice’s Guide to Efficient Reading

Since I was quite young I have loved reading.  I used to read short reading helpers, short stories, picture books all kinds when I was little to the extent where my parents would no longer send me to my room on time-out’s because I would just go there and read.  What a punishment, eh?  And so I started young, and by the time I was in third grade I wasn’t playing sports at recess but writing and reading.  I was in love with this book on this small pioneer faily (not Laura Ingells, I had already finished Little House on the Prairie by then) and had decided to write my own short story accompanying my reading.  I then started getting interested in anything ancient civilization, and then come fourth grade Harry Potter hit me like a tidal wave and it was all over from there.  By the time I was fourteen I had finished the entire series of HP, Lord of the Rings, an assorted various collection that included the Book Thief and Heir Apparent and was beginning my journey into Stephen King=dom.  At this level I was introduced to classics and read every one available to me, and by ninth grade I had also picked up the “girly summer read” genre, which included things from vacation-aways to Eat Pray Love.  I loved reading like I loved…wel, reading.  It’s hard to compare it to anything else since it was my life for so long.

So when it came time to choose what I wanted to do for university it was a little bit of a no-brainer.  I was already in advanced English, I had the comprehensive and reading time-ability of the same area, and I really did just love to read.  I applied, got in, and now I am embarking on my fourth year in Literature studies  And my advice for you is….to stick with reading for pleasure.

That’s the first part of this advice. Read what you like, don’t read because you have to.   Don’t get me wrong I have liked a third of the books I’ve read in uni so far, but I would have much rathered read the books on my growing to-read list that I cannot get to because I just have no time.  I do have the rest of my life to read, but at the same time that little reading girl inside of me is curled up in a ball as she’s only been given postmodern Canadian riffs or Shakespearean poetry for so long.  Read things that you see in magazines that look good, look it up on the internet ask friends do what you gotta do to find the books that you will enjoy most.  I love to just walk around bookstores until one pops out at me, but whatever you do read what you want to read.  Trust me, reading things that you don’t want to read ruins the art of reading altogether.

My second piece of advice would be to join a book club if you would like the motivation or conversation, but also read for yourself.  Reading the same book as other people is interesting when it comes to talking about idea’s, and sharing notes and having meaningful conversations with people.  I know for a fact that the moment I am graduated I will be joining a book club, because it just gives me a different purpose and people to share my thoughts with.  What I am trying to stress at this point is that reading a book independently is great too. It’s an experience where you are the only one in the world at this moment experiencing the text in the way that you are and that in itself is invigorating.  Trying this out will help you develop your own thoughts, and eventually develop your reading habits to become more flexible with others as you won’t be arguing with anyone, your thoughts are your thoughts and the thing about literature is that you can always be right…  Trust me.

My final piece of advice is to know where and how to read.  Know if it’s right to read on a busy drive to and from work, even though that drive is probably the perfect personal place for you to pull out the audiobook, are you really getting what you need from the text?  Also, focus on your driving for pete’s sake.  Is it only okay to read up at the cottage?  Or does the lunch break at work not count as down time as well?  That four hours of tv a night?  Is that really necessary?  Or could you cut it down to two, and snuggle up on the back porch or in an armchair and read a great novel.  When trying to figureout how to read I would suggest a few things.  Give yourself enough time to read what you want, read for yourself and don’t set unrealistic reading goals, and use reading to your advantage.  It’s a great way to escape a stressful work week or to accompany you on a long journey.

Enjoy reading, it’s there for you to do with it what you will.  It is one of those incredibly personal aspects of life that really is something to cherish, you have the ability to read these words, and with these words you can do what you’d like.  I’m going to go and finish my book now before I embark on a very busy Canada Day.

Take care,

x

181

Day One Hundred and Eighty-One:  Comfrt

Jess’s Advice Series #2:  The Importance of Being Comfortable

In short: knowing yourself well enough to know when you’re uncomfortable. You don’t have to know how to fix it, you don’t have to do it alone, but make sure that in every activity, relationship, and aspect in your life you feel that you are being respected and respectful.  Environment around you can influence your comfort levels but so can your inner thoughts.  I tend to overthink and create situations out of thin air that make me uncomfortable, and when that happens I try to recalculate and reposition my thoughts so that my comfort levels are not out of whack anymore.  I just truly believe that although comfort cannot continue on forever, if you are proactive about it you can be comfortable as much as possible.

And when you are comfortable the possibility of happiness opens up even more.

x