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DAY TWO HUNDRED:  WHAT WHAT

Over halfway finished my blog and I feel like I’ve written about a whole lot of nothings.  What can I say now?  That it’s two hundred days into the year and I feel like I’ve come so far, retracted, come far, retracted?  Do I regret things?  Sometimes, small things.  That’s usually what gets to me, those darned small things the little details that a lot of people don’t notice.  For example I regret wear wedges on Friday because now my feet are incredibly sore, but really in the grand scheme of things it makes no difference because it was a brief moment.  What happens when those little things grow into bigger things?

What happens when a friendship, or an aquantence becomes something greater and then that retraction happens?  What about doubt and being unsure?  I always say Just Say Yes, and yet I find myself saying yes and then regretting.  I need to think things through, but what if after a long time about thinking of the small details, the small pro’s and con’s, and am still confused?  And my heart says two different things and the rest is all just confused?  Why can’t things just be laid out for you?

But you know what’s great about all of this?  Is that it is painful, and frustrating and hurtful and hard, but that it is a challenge and it is life.  I feel like I am really living, despite the fact that it may cause people pain or myself pain or anything else, I still feel like I am living.  I just hate it right now, but it will all make sense eventually I am sure.

I guess for now it’s just time to coast and try to understand.  I’m not a religious person but thinking of why I would be put through these kind of situations boggles me.  To make me stronger?  To truly challenge the way I think and am to other people?  Is it so hard to ask for a little break mentally for a change?  I can’t handle everything right now.

I can’t handle this, but atleast it’s happening, at least it’s something.

z