Thirty One!

Day Thirty-One:  Hasn’t Hit Me Yet

As I walked to campus today I had to cross the half-muddy, half-snowy glory that was Johnston green.  It was blistering, windy, flurries, freezing, and all kinds of other Weatherly notions that happened today.  It was not yet bright and sunny, but at this point I couldn’t see the campus that I was walking towards, only the faint mudprints from the day before that were now freezing under my feet.  I had forgotten my mittens, and so I had my hands inside my jacket sleeves.  I had my large headphones on and my hood up, and I was smiling.  It was in that moment that I breathed in that absolute frigid gust of air, and let it fill my lungs.  I let go of everything at that moment.

And I let it.  I have troubles letting go of things sometimes, letting myself relax or not worry, but this morning everything left very easily.  It was less of me trying and more just accepting that things were the way they were.  Today was going to be a long busy day, and I ended up focusing in every class, not daydreaming, not talking during class, but focusing in and understanding.  It was an overly productive class day.  I felt like talking for the first time in a week and a half, I felt like hugging everyone, and laughing.  I felt like laughing.  I did feel like crying a bit, but laughing it was and laughing it will be.

I still have a bit of work to do this evening, but not too much as I’m spreading it out for tomorrow evening as well.  I have to go into work tomorrow all day, which will be long but nice to see everyone and get things done all in one go.  I had a goal earlier this week to go out and meet new people, but things just got away from me.  That’s where the frustrations got to me I think:  I expected something and it didn’t happen.  I fell in love with a Strindberg play instead, so much so that I’m formulating my final project around it.  He was absolutely crazy, I tell you, brilliant but so nuts.  I like crazy things sometimes.

I’m going to just keep reminding myself of how it felt this morning letting things go.  Letting all of the everythings around me disappear, fade away, all of the everythings the thoughts and the memories, the memories. Damnit, are killing me.  I am letting those memories go for now, and focusing in on what it means to breathe again.  What it means to have a clear head again, and think thoughtfully, and intentionally, slowly, purposefully, again.  It’s been an interesting week to say the least, for my mind space.  It’s been a very lonely, very isolating, mind space week.  I’m determined to change that.

Because when the going gets tough we don’t just shut down on ourselves.  We pick ourselves up again and encourage them, challenge them to do better next time.  Who was I saying that I am my worst competitor?  And my best competitor?  The one I am going against in the world is myself?  And sometimes, just sometimes, I let myself win, but for the most part I’ve got gritted teeth and am telling it to “eff right off” and to “get er done.”  That’s me, just battling all things Jessie again.  I would rather be a fighter than a passive-sitter.  I stand up and get things done, but I am going to try to not sacrifice my sanity next week. 

Nurture, not dismiss.  I think that might only make sense to me, but that’s okay right now.

As for February… That’s tomorrow.  Usually I do my 365 projects I do February as “WRITING MONTH,” in other words there won’t be any blabbering posts, but more poetry, short anectdotes, essays, that kind of thing, for the next twenty eight days.  It is a lot more of a challenge for me I tell you, especially with everything that’s going on in the next two weeks, but I am going to make it a release.  Now that I’m actually enjoying my classes it would be nice toe enjoy my personal life too.  Imagine that, actually enjoying yourself outside of school time, that sounds like a myth to me right now.

Hopefully tonight is full of lots of coffee and good movies for not just me but you too.  And if it isn’t, then well maybe tomorrow night, or later on this weekend.  Every evening should be full of wine, good food, people, and of course, coffee.

x

THIRTY

Day Thirty:  Rockstar!

I sang Bon Jovi’s “You Give Love a Bad Name” so many times in class today I thought I was going to lose my voice.  I’ve been reading since dinnertime and I don’t want to be reading anymore.  I have been thinking a lot tonight about the area around the Eiffel Tower.  Lots of grass and tree’s, the Riber, tourist things but also just nothing things.  We sat beside the tower for a few hours one afternoon in the shade of a tree, drinking water and just watching it.  As if it did tricks or anything.  That simplicity seems lost on me now.

Busy days are so demanding, but so are days where there seems to be nothing to be done.  So much stimuli, so many people to talk to places to go, errands, things to read, conversations and coffee’s to be had.   Would it be terrible to ask for a day off?  Yes?  After the four month vacation I just had?  Yes, but that was reall on-the-go, not complaining or anything.  I just crave those simple afternoons in a park or just walking the Thames,   I just always feel…on.  Need some relative down time I think.  Need to clear my head.

If that surprises anybody then I haven’t done my job right.  This resolution was to enjoy my writing and motivate myself to write often, to probe my vocabulary and focus and organisation, time management, all of those things…  I’ve tried to make things cohesive, interesting, but most of the time I have quite plain thoughts.  Like these.  I need to download some guided meditation prompts to relax more, go to bed earlier, and remember to wash my face properly in the mornings.  My life as a Rockstar, I suppose.

I think I’m just frustrated because I would enjoy what I’ve been reading so much more if I could read them in a coffee shop, or tucked into a library chair or something, not stuck at my stupid desk in my stupid room.  I’m not bitter, I just get tired of it every once in a while.

I gots the faith that tomorrow will be a long but bright day, and that the blog tomorrow will be much more upbeat, and potentially (I say that intentionally) organised.  Sometimes I just write whatever I want, and sometimes I think about it.  I didn’t think much before I started today, for that I apologise.  I really wanted a butter scotch ice cream sundae with peanuts instead.

x

Twenty Nine

Day Twenty Nine:  Bright.

Something about becoming a stereotypical teenager really intrigued me when I was younger.  I was plagued by the fear of not surpassing “normal” sixteen year old girl milestones. I had a cooler on my Sweet Sixteen, I had posters on my walls and listened to the usual rebellious music.  I was actually worried that my room wasn’t enough of a mess to be a teenager.  I worried about everything, and now looking back on this and reflecting a bit on if I am the stereotypical University student I’ve decided not to care.

I looked out my window for some time today, it’s been what, three years since I finished highschool?  And I liked highschool, but it has been a fond farewell to see those years of pressure behind me.  Behind my apartment here in Guelph there is a large parking lot that is commonly empty, and today was covered with slush.  I should have a car there, I kept thinking.  I don’t, obviously, sometimes my friends do, but that’s about it.  I look at my room now and I have trouble even defining what a “normal” university student should have in their modern student-living area.

Stacks of books, check.  Assorted alcohols, check.  Messy bed, laundry basket full of dirty clothes, piles of clothes everywhere, check check check.  A desk full of gadgets, computers, printers, and basic electronics, check.  Am I missing something?  Or is being a student more simple than we all assume it to be?  It’s complicated because of the due dates, the readings on top of readings, the keeping up with a demanding social life and the fact that we are all just really, really broke (and that isn’t an exaggeration, ask anyone, that’s one universal fact of the student).  Should I have something else here, or is this feeling of something missing just an illusion my mind has put on so that I can worry about something else?

Call me crazy but I think there’s something wrong with the need for worry in my life.  I overthink too much, involuntarily, maybe that should be a new goal to work on.  Or I should just get out more.  Either way, there’s a change to be made.  As if the past few months haven’t brought on enough change already.  I guess it’s just that time of my life where I’d rather change and embrace it than shy away from opportunity.  Funny thing is, I am beginning to think that phase of your life never ends.  Shouldn’t everyone live their life everyday by embracing every opportunity?  Following their heart?  Taking chances?  Maybe not risky chances, but those little ones that get us through everyday?

This week I haven’t been focusing on the little goals, but the big ones that are more academically related, since I haven’t done much school work lately.  Everything seems to be due in the next two weeks, so I’ve been focusing on PASSING instead of SANITY.  I am constantly searching for little things to propel me through!  Guess I’m in search of a new one for this week, it’ll come along I hope,

Take care,

x

Twenty Eight

Day Twenty Eight:  Outside there’s a box car waiting

Let me get one thing straight because I’m tired of repeating it or having awkwardness between me and people I’ve just met or people I haven’t seen in a long time.  Friends, I am legally blind.  This means that I can function independently, but if I see you in passing and I don’t recognise you it’s not my fault.  I can’t recognise faces, I can do voices if I have seen you recently, otherwise dude I have no idea who you are.  It sucks, it sucks more for me than you trust me, but please stop getting awkward when I don’t know who you are.  Just tell me.

Wow, glad that’s off my chest.  I’ve just been having strings of awkward situations lately, and I don’t really know how to deal with that yet.  I assume that twenty years down the line I’ll be in a grocery store picking out oranges and someone I knew in ninth grade will come up to me and go “Jess?  Jessica Watkin?  I thought it was you how are you!” and I will stare, and kind of smile weakly, and hope that over the course of this awkward exchange I will figure out who was recognising me before they realised that I don’t remember them.  I’ve got a great memory for people, but only when I can figure out who they are.  What I’m trying to say is I have accepted that I’ll never be able to see much better than I can now, and I just want everything to be cohesive in my life, and I don’t want to have to make anyone feel uncomfortable because I can’t see their face.

I deal with it everyday, the least you can do is just tell me who you are.

I’m no longer bitter about my condition, because I have grown and am strong because of it, it just becomes difficult in certain situations.  In other words, my lifelong struggle will be that every new person I meet I will have to address the fact that no, I cannot recognise you, and yes, I can still function as a human being. I love meeting new people, I hate that this inability to recognise creates a barrier between how close some people get to me, and I do my darnedest to overcome that by overcompensating and being very bright and encompassing, passionate, whatever, but sometimes the rift still exists.  I deal with it, seriously, every single day.  It’s exhausting.

The funny thing is about this whole thing is that….I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but, I probably wouldn’t have it any other way.  This is me.  On top of the quirkiness, the absurdities that make up my life, I just can’t see.  I can’t drive, I can’t scuba dive, I can’t do some things and that’s fine.  I can backpack through Europe, and fly on planes, and ride horses and climb mountains, and read books and take the bus and sing songs and live.  That’s just it guys, despite everything, I can still LIVE.  Life is fleeting, life is infectious and lovely and hard, but I’m doing it. I’m right here, damnit, and I am just going for it.

So to everyone who has any other questions:  Yes, I can see that there are two fingers infront of me eyes, but everyone has brown eyes to me.  No, I don’t have a driver’s license and can’t pick you up from the bar, but I’d be glad to call a cab for you.  No, I can’t read the drinks menu at starbucks but I usually just ask the barista what they like to drink and take their word for it.  I do things, just like you, but I do them differently, and I probably have a much better time doing it.

Love always,

x

TWENTY SEVEN

Day Twenty Seven:  Life is waiting for you

Why is there no post-secondary option of Writing: whenever, wherever, however?  Why can’t I just take a year off and write in a tropical location?  Wake up at two in the morning to write five hundred pages and then nap the rest of the day?  If I make a portfolio, and get published, and then get advance payment or a sabbatical of sorts would this happen?  Can this happen now?  Why can’t I just work on my novella’s and make that my living? 

Not saying that I’d ever in a million years just want to write and travel, I would love to continue community involvement and all that jazz, but it makes me so much more happy.  Don’t get me wrong, on those good days I enjoy university and enjoy the readings and enjoy the classes, but every other day I would get more out of life with less bullshit and more input.  More creativity.  That’s why I write here, but unfortunately my imagination does not get me a useful degree.

Some people believe theirs does, it doesn’t.

My ability to dream up characters and situations and poetry will never pay my bills, but it makes me happy.  Why must we choose between making a living or the feeling of self worth and happiness?  Some people love what they do, and I intend to love whatever I end up doing, but could it not just be something that I really enjoy doing that also happens to help people?  And is this degree necessary?  If I read the next twelve pages of sonnets, and understand why they were written and what it reveals about the human condition, will this really help me in the future?  Potentially, but ultimately it’s just another uncomfortable obstacle in my adventure of undergraduate studies.

I don’t mean to say every class is useless, or that any class is useless, I just really want to write.  I don’t want to spend my time being too busy to enjoy anything.  Is that good for anything?  Good for humanity?  The economy (eventually)?  Health?  The environment?  Maybe at the end of all this, in hindsight, it will make sense and I will understand, but I’ve never felt so motivated by the fact that there is two weeks until reading week, and after that week there are only four weeks until classes are over, and then two weeks until I’m done this semester.  Yes, I spent a good two minutes figuring out the exact countdown until I no longer have to do these courses.

And these are the courses that I enjoy.  I like to learn about drama in the nineteenth century.  I like listening about the craziness that is Queen Elizabeth I, and the 1960’s have always been a favourite of mine, but why is it that I can’t get through it this time? 

The fact that I just came back from a term thousands of miles away from home in the most amazing city in the world and I learned more half-assing it in those four courses and seeing the world than I do here?  Probably.  I feel virtually helpless, like I can’t even begin my life until I can afford anything in it, or maybe afford the time for it.  I can hardly find time to write this blog, let alone enjoy a coffee with a friend, or read for pleasure.  Hell, going to get physical activity would be wonderful if I could spare the damn time away from readings and preparations. 

Maybe I’ve never liked university, maybe I’m just stuck at the moment, as much as I drone on and on about enjoying the term, I just want it to be the summer.  After I graduate. 

x

Day Twenty Six

Day Twenty Six:   I love Watches

My poem for today is nice I think I might share it.

We search a lifetime

For an anchor,

Something to keep us here.

I like to think

That now finally

I anchor myself.

“Afloat” is kept, present,

I taught nautical waves,

Sea-breathing, techniques for sailors

To save myself from

The drowning fall.

Maybe now I search for

Not a floatation device,

But a compass,

A path, rind, purpose.

I’m my own hero, captain,

I have my crew and ship,

I’ve been searching for my ocean.

I’ve spent the day out and about and I don’t think I was ready.  I was walking around the mall looking for things and I kept feeling feverish, but it all worked out.  I’m slowly getting back to watching Netflix, to tumblr-ing, to making tweets, but I feel very different now.  Something on my pain/hurt-o-meter has clicked and I’m in autopilot.  I think we all might be for a while.

Isn’t it strange to put things together?  To have realisations and conversations and visions?  To experience epiphanies in 20/20 hindsight?  We all deal with things different, we all have different perspectives, and I think today has just been the day of all days to realise those things.  I want to thank everyone for putting up with these scattered, unorganised, useless blog posts, I promise Monday will be thematic and lovely!  If only I could get to Monday.

I am determined to enjoy this semester if it kills me, but as for right now it seems to be getting harder.  The readings are useless in some classes and that bothers me, and for others there’s a plague of intimidation that form a prologue for each coming day.  Why is it that not only do I feel anxious but I have the hardest time focusing on these things?  Classes that I should enjoy, but because they are in a class I don’t?  I think (and AJ would definitely say) that it’s because I have that thought at all.  Because I think that they will be uninteresting therefore they are uniteresting.  I am determined, my friends, to prove my assumptions wrong.  It is possible, I must I must.

Alright, this all started with my poem, deteriorated, and then finished with class talk  I am all over the place and embracing it right now.  I promise these will get better, as for now I’m just writing for the sake of writing, and letting myself put words to some of the things I’m feeling.  Sorry if this isn’t interesting, it really isn’t for me either (minus the poem go read that again, I did, twice.) so yeah, tomorrow is another day, this broken heart will mend.

Infinite love,

x

Twenty Five

Day Twenty Five:  They broke the Mold

Today has been exhausting.  I never in a million years thought I would have to attend a funeral in such fashion, but that is what happened today.  I’ve cried so much I feel like I’ve been awake for days.  I’ve hugged enough new friends today I feel like I know the whole city.  I’m overwhelmed, exhausted, nauseous, upset.  I am not longer empty, but today I feel…I don’t know.  I don’t know what to say, other than I miss you, Mr. Oesch. 

x

Twenty Four!

Day Twenty Four:  We’re getting older but we’re still crazy

Well my friends, today is my birthday.  And it has been really nice.  I have this thing about people who wish me happy birthday, and the fact that I actually could not care less if you posted “hbd” on my facebook wall, as long as the people who mean the most to me acknowledge it then I am okay.  All of those people sent me a message before one am this morning, so, I think we’ve got all the bases covered for the time being.

Needless to say the most exciting part of my day was finishing Brave at midnight with Judith or munching on the Mr.Big chocolate bar all day (nutritious lunch for any occaision!) but hey, it’s my birthday, if I don’t deserve chocolate today than when can I eat it without feeling guilty?  You don’t gain weight on your birthday, that’s just common sense.

This is when my day actually starts, after the classes are done and before I have to go home for tomorrow.  I don’t think I will write until late tomorrow night, just a warning, as I can’t imagine my hands will stop shaking until my sister tucks me in.  Bringing my light through today as just a time for me, not to think of all the negativity (although I have found myself doing so when it is due) but I am trying to be…cheerful, at least.  It is my birthday after all.

I hope to have a solid, very relaxed evening with my good friends here in Guelph.  Dinner (if they have steak and ale pie it’s already great) and then off for drinks, it should just be nice.  This weekend I am hoping to see my good friends from home as well, but only time will tell if there is time for that.  For now, I’m focused on the moment.  That’s how I’ve been getting through a lot lately:  swinging from this moment to the next and it has been working, mostly.

I really must go and pack and do my makeup and such, I don’t really have a lot of time today to do anything but keep going.  Must keep going.

Happy Birthday, me!

x

Twenty Three

Day Twenty Three:  Second floor living without a yard

It may seem odd to talk about honest and true friends today but it isn’t really, not to me.  I’ve been thinking about this a lot, and I’ve been…mediocre, I’m a handful and I thrust my problems on other people to gain clarity and peace for myself.  How selfish is that?  I want you all to know that as much as I project on people I get that back in how much I care about them, and the past week has truly shown me my true friends…  I’ve also grown a lot in the way I am with certain people, and developed friendships with them out of this.

I’ve already written an entire post for today and I don’t like it, so I’m giving it another go.  I’ve spent today napping and watching New Girl, and then I went to spinning class and for one full hour I did not think about anything but my body’s limits and the songs playing.  Nothing but how I could hardly breathe and that was refreshing.  I sit here, drinking water from Judith’s dollar store cup with two lines of lipstick on my hand figuring which colour to wear tomorrow for my birthday, and feel..content.  I wasn’t feeling this way before I left for spinning, but now that I’ve been around my friends my day has improved greatly.

I’ve been thinking a lot about strength today.  My yoga instructor mentioned in class last night during a balancing pose that “it is okay if you sway, tree’s that sway are the strongest.”  I’ve been trying to figure this out since he said it, I found it bizarre and confusing to say while the point of the pose is to stay steady.  The point to life is to stay afloat, keep steady, be strong.  In testing times we tend to sway, intimes of stress and great pain, does this detract from how strong we are?

Am I any less strong because I need to let out my feelings and be human?  To talk to people that I trust about the things that I am thinking?  No, clarity is alright, strength emerges from those who can accept the fact that they are in fact not invincible, and take the steps to create a place where, although prone to failure, can still get back up again.  I want to let everyone know that it is okay to feel, and to hurt, and to fail, and to want to be alone or want to be with someone.  I don’t think I am dependent because I need to talk about my feelings, it makes me stronger.  It enables me to grow, and I think that’s what my yoga teacher was saying.

Tree’s that sway are the strongest, because they allow themselves to sway, and grow in spite of it.

This has been a terrible week, and will continue to be terrible (no matter how many birthdays we can shove in there) but we will grow from it.  It hurts, and it hurts a lot, but it is a kind of strength that I embrace and am encouraging my family to embrace to lean on eachother, to sway a little, and allow these feelings to emerge in order to get through it all.

Someone just told me to “soldier on,” and by golly am I gonna.

Peace out homeboys, I’m about to get real old.

X

Ps after finishing this post I realised there was a temper trap song on during the entirety of its writing and it was called “soldier on.”  Coincidence?  I think not!  

Twenty Two!

Day Twenty Two:  Mad.

I am eating the biggest and most rewarding bowl of Fruit Loops there ever was and I plan on thoroughly enjoying it.  I’ve had kind of a silly day, off-and-on frustrations, having a hard time focusing on anything, and it all began with waking up and having that feeling.  Every university student knows it. Especially university students in this city right now (due to the freezing cold):  I do not want to get out of bed.  In hindsight I was being overdramatic, but it is a very hard thing to do in those dreary days.  I hope to sleep in some day in the future, but as of right now I don’t see it happening any time soon.

I don’t anticipate wanting to get out of bed for a while, and that’s because of this week’s events, and that’s because learning to deal with what I’m having to deal with is hard.  I’m a rock for a lot of people in my family right now, so I’m being strong for them, but in the comfort of my room while trying to finish reading the Privacy Policy for CNIB I break down.  And make fists, and essentially go Mad.  Capital M for Mad.  Mad in all senses.  The kind of Mad that makes you not want to get out of bed.  A Crippling with a capital C Mad, that has no words, no sense of control, and all kinds of unwanted things.  Involuntarilly I let go.

That’s important for me, and talking about it isn’t easy, and thinking about it is even worse.  I would venture to say my poetry is both suffering dramatically but becoming more real in a way, not that I have anything to share today…  Everything is just so raw, so sore, so hurt, that I don’t know how to make words of it yet. I can only make fists, and go Mad.  If that’s okay with you for now, then it’s fine with me.

As for now I’ll say this:  tomorrow is the last day of my twenty-nothingness, the last day for me to embark on some young-adult adventures, and I don’t mean to get all sentimental here, but I don’t want to spend the last moments of my young adult life living less than I would otherwise.  If I make fists tomorrow, I hope it’s for a fist bump, and that’s all.

Here’s to the best bowl of fruit loops in all the land.

x

TWENTY ONE

Day Twenty One:  Those crazy messed up things that you do

I wish I had done ballet when I was little.  I am excited to give this horse-riding thing a shot, because it seems like a really cool thing to do.  It’s going to hurt my butt, and cost some money, but I have this philosophy about experiencing things first hand instead of just watching them happen.  I want to learn to ride a horse, and eventually ride one out on a large open countryside, through forests, and all kinds of variations that wil only expand my love of nature, being outside, and the fact that I love the sound of horse’s hooves.

My favourite kinds of horses are the ones with the very large feet that pull the carriages in the Christmas parades in small towns, I can’t quite remember what they’re called but their feet are huge and they seem so tame.  Are you allowed to ride those?  I’ve always fantasized about living on a farm and having access to horses and all kinds of other animals, but I wouldn’t be able to do all of the work required.  I think this horse-back riding endeavour is just another way for me to outlet the fact that I crave adventure, in any new and challenging shape or form.

Which reminds me that I am open to everything now.  I’m not going to say no to things, which was my main philosophy whilst abroad, but why stop when I leave the country?  Yes, I want to try hot yoga.  Yes, I want to use hotwire.com and stay in a random hotel in a random city.  Yes, I just, yes.  Horse-back riding just begins the adventures I have planned for this summer.

Although I plan these adventures for the summer as if I’ll have any more time than I do right now.  Right now my days are full of classes and practicals and fitness classes, and my evenings are full of readings and work.  In the summer it will be the opposite hopefully, which unfortunately leaves weekends for such things.  My other goal is by the time I’m finished post-secondary education (potential graduate school included) to possibly (which means this is an obvious work in progress) get my yoga teaching license.  I’ve only started my practise two years ago, and given my flexibility isn’t fabulous and my balance is terrible, but yoga is one of those things that I want to get.  I want to understand the spirituality/focuses behind it. I dig the meditation, man, and I want to learn more.

I’m so determined, is what the thesis of this post would be.  I am determined to take my own life by the reigns (ta-ha) and enjoy it.  I want to enjoy life, would be my secondary thesis, because there’s nothing worse than hating living.  Even with the classes I’m doing this term I am trying my best to enjoy them for what  they are.  Once they become a chore they become less enjoyable and ultimately…useless.  I learn more from adventures, I’d rather make my entire life one big badass adventure than spend my everyday wishing there was something more.

So I’m living life today

Because life is fleeting, leaving,

Under each and every footstep

Lays one minute passing

In such a passive way,

I want to leave in my wake,

a brighter tomorrow than today.

x

Twenty

Day Twenty:  Heartbreak

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hWAkBrSEh3I

I’m not ready to talk about much today, but I do want to say that I love the people who are close to me intensely.  It’s a strong Watkin trait to love the important people in your life, and respect them, and support them, and trust them.  I am proud to be a part of this family, and to have the support that I have.  There are going to be super good times, and super bad times, I just know that as long as there is air in my lungs I will love, intensely, and for that I am grateful.

This week is going to prove to be a very, very hard one, but it will be okay. 

x

Nineteen

Day Nineteenth:  Chocolate Chips and Apple Sauce

I am craving an entire day of absolutely nothing right now.  Not even plans, but just sleep until I wake up, eat what and when I want to, troll tumblr, watch Mad Men, don’t get dressed unless I feel like being outside kind of day.  It’s my Birthday this week, is that too much to ask?  Yes, it is, because on my birthday I have four and a half hours of class and plans, and people to call and things to do.  No homework, no gym, but just enough busy-ness to make me want to take a day off in the near future.  With this term’s courseload weighing on my anxiety I don’t think it is going to happen any time soon.

Don’t get me wrong, I love spending time with people.  Dinners, evenings, morning tea’s, whenever we all can fit eachother into our days we do.  I just like to have me-time, time where I am not doing work or homework or reading and just letting myself enjoy having free time.  Hah, free time, even typing it looks like a different language.  Last night was the closest I’ve had to free time since this term began, and I spent it with Kyle. 

It doesn’t even feel like a Saturday with this amount of things to do it feels like a Sunday, and even tomorrow I have so much to do!  I can’t catch a break I tell you!  Oh well, it’s my BIRTHDAY WEEK and I will enjoy it, despite the busy-nature!  I’m getting older, responsibilities change, I just feel like too many things have been changing lately.

Until I get a day to myself, a full legitimate day, I will take little things to keep me sane.  Long breaks for apple or blueberry tea and Bowie, or reading while doing makeup, or listening to tutorials on youtube while working.  I can do all of this, just need to...keep positivity?

Alright, I’m going to be positive.  I’ll finish this reading…when I graduate, maybe, and after that I’m only reading books that I actually want to read and nothing else.  I’m going to smile tonight, despite my exhaustion and stress, and have a lovely evening.  I’m going to ignore the fact that I’m going to be a Twenty-Something and try to enjoy my busy birthday.  This is going to be good, I can feel it.

Or I’m trying to.

Love,

x

Eighteen

Day Eighteen:  Where is my mind?

On Patience…

I’ve started to write this many times, but all I can think of to say is that I don’t have any patience.  I don’t like to wait for things, I get frustrated when it takes me longer to understand things, or get things done.  I have a short temper for people who have a hard time understanding me, or are over-eager to help me.  I want to change and have more patience, but I am at a loss of how to improve, suggestions are welcome, actually encouraged.  Although if you are judgemental, I’ll lose my patience and get frustrated with you.

That’s all I have to say, it’s simple today.  I’ve had a stressful day and the evening really helped.  I wanted to talk about my little brother and his ability to actually make me forget about everything else in my life and just watch the Simpsons and eat Swiss Chalet and laugh and lay around and drink oj and not think about anything but his little smile.  He’s getting so big, he turns twelve this week, and I am really proud of him.  He started tennis lessons a couple of weeks ago and has told me all about it.  He loves it.  He wants to come horseback riding this summer.  This has become more about him and less about patience, but being with him today I think really helped me de-stress at a time where my patience has completely run dry. 

Maybe that’s the first step for me to improve:  take a step back often and recognise the real worth in all of these things I am losing patience in.  I can do this, just need to remind myself every once in a while.

Night,

x  

Seventeen

Day Seventeen:  Now you’re just somebody that I used to know.

On the Difficulties of Creating a Playlist…

I shouldn’t begin on my troubles with itunes, I have only just started using an ipod three years ago, so you can’t blame me for being relatively entrenched in a basic, simple, Windows Media Player ideal world where playlists are made easily, transferred even easier, and there’s no confusion.  Things are straightforward, and you can argue with me until the cowboys come home I will stick by what I stick:  itunes playlists are tricky, and this is how I tried to make one once.

I sort of found the playlists tab, which on itself is an adventure and a half, a journey to Mordor in itself just trying to locate, and after that I have to think of a name.  This is infinite amounts of pressure on such short notice…  I can make a blog name in two seconds flat, but something that’s going on my good old ipod Classic?  It needs to be important sounding, enticing, exciting, lovely, classy, it needs to be well-rounded but concise, and this damn itunes needed it NOW.  So I have to pick a name, which always ends up being some generic “Good Stuff” because that’s just what it is.  Good stuff.  My creativity escapes me when it comes to playlists, they’re too mainstream for me, I’d rather challenge my patience and use shuffle all of the time instead (through the 9000 plus songs on my ipod at the moment).

So once the name is chosen, I move on to figuring out how to actually put songs into this list.  Once I get that all sorted (which takes approximately twenty minutes, that usually is a strenuous journey as well, itunes is a confusing place) I start thinking frantically of songs that would fit into the category of “Good Stuff,” and immediately regret that playlist name.  I should’ve called it “Songs to Fall Asleep To,” or, “Songs that I Enjoy Walking Places To,” but no, I’m always stuck with “Good Stuff,” or something of that sort, and start scrolling.  I look for songs that I enjoy, and sometimes I find the really good ones, and other times I just pass by a song or two and think those would be great on a playlist!.  Needless to say I am usually very, very wrong about these songs.

It seems to be an inevitable playlist flaw when it comes to choosing songs I never, ever pick the ones that I’d actually want in “Good Stuff.”

So this poses a stupid problem, why make a playlist at all?  I would love to just have a playlist that plays the songs that I like the most.  Well, my friends,  I discovered (while trying to locate “Good Stuff” on my ipod, which I still have yet to find) that there is a handy playlist that my handy itunes makes all on it’s own called “25 most played,” and boy, boy oh boy oh boy do I love that playlist.  That is the playlist of champions, because it incorporates the songs I listen to on my itunes on the computer too, which means it just know.  It just knows.  So not only do I love technology again but I don’t feel so bad for not understanding how to properly create a playlist because the computer does it on its own!

Problem solved!

I won’t usually write about my itunes, the nine thousand songs and more, as well as my musical taste much here, because that is one thing that I keep to myself most of the time.  I don’t know why, but those songs make up my mind space, and I don’t really like people coming into that mindspace without really understanding it.  Maybe this will be my first venture in attempting to fully explain my relationship to my itunes.  It’s rocky, we fight a lot, but most of the time it supports me and I pay it lots of money for albums.

So I wish you good luck, although you probably don’t need it, since everyone else in the world understands itunes more than I do.  But good luck anyway!

x

Sixteen

Day Sixteen:  I don’t know where I’m going, but I know what I’ve lost

On Setting Goals…

I was going to write about a lot of different things today, lots of idea’s, but I figured that this was the sum of all of those idea’s.  Fitness?  There’s a goal at the end.  Organisation?  An ultimate goal.  I could write about a lot of things, but something I’ve found that has been a keeper and successful tool in my life has been setting goals.  Setting attainable goals as well as those Big Girl Dreams that sit in the background, just beyond the horizon. 

Academically it is easy for a student to say “I want an A” or “I want good enough grades for graduate school,” which are both relatively important, but I think I’ve just sunk to the point of setting the attainable “I work to do my best.”  My best doesn’t really look like a goal, but in post-secondary I think it’s important to focus on the journey of getting to that goal as well as the goal itself.  Once I get to my best, I’m just going to set another goal anyway.  Why not set a goal that is ever changing on its own?  Bam, done.

Otherwise, life goals come and go.  I want to grow up and be happy.  I think that is another ever-changing goal, as my happiness changes day-to-day, my idea of happiness, etc. etc.  I think life goals are the kinds of things someone determines on their own.  If someone else decides your life goals I think its time to take a step back.  Think about what you want and really think about that.  I really do think it is important to focus on what’s important to YOU and not anyone else.  Make small, attainable goals leading up to the bigger thing, and bam, done. 

Not saying that every goal is achievable, realistic, sane, or any other expected assumption about not attaining goals, because I’ve hardly reached any of the ones I’ve set, but I think that working towards one thing you know you want and being confident in those decisions benefits you as a person, it is healthy to fail, and it is healthy to move on, and it is healthy to support yourself when things get rough.  Changing goals makes me feel in control of my life.

So what then, what about getting to those goals?  That is a personal thing.  I can’t make you achieve your dreams, you’ve got to go out and do that for yourself.  I’m still coming to trms with the malleability of goals, and how nothing is truly stable and everything is ephemeral and changing and alive.  I just know how important they are to me, and to set small goals like “read for two hours tonight,” despite how trivial it is it gets me closer to the greater goal, and I have to make that happen.

You are the decider of your own life.

I sound silly, but I believe these things, and its fine if you disagree, but that’s how I see things, that’s what is important in my life.  I make lists and talk schedules out and create outlines and intense plans, do all of them come out working properly everytime?  Uh no, not often.  Does it help my anxiety?  Yes.  It’s my system, that’s all I wanted to say.

So this term I have big goals.  Like I want to stay active, learn a lot, do my best, stay connected to the people I love, eat well, and have fun.  Smaller goals of the week:  sleep, see the people I love, make one new meal, listen in class, and drink lots of tea.  Whoever said that New Year’s Resolutions were a myth haven’t met me.  You’re reading my 2013 resolution, big goal, little by little I am getting there.

Sorry if this was as all over the place as I imagine it is.  I don’t edit these if you haven’t noticed, but they help me lay out my thoughts.  Goals man, they’re the shit.

Hugs,

x

Fifteen

Day Fifteen:  Red Squirrel in the morning

On Social Networking…

I remember when piczo websites were a thing right when I was allowed to get a hotmail email and use msn.  I was twelve, which by the normal social standards at the time was apparently late on the whole msn thing, as everyone had already added eachother.  I remember having a notebook and writing everyone’s emails in it in a purple pen, and then adding them later.  I remember also putting possible MSN names in this notebook, with all kinds of emoticons and funny messages.  I thought this was really cool.  When I created my first piczo website it was sparkly and had things to click on and was “all about me,” very personal, those generic websites.

I recall using MSN right up until I was in my second semester of twelfth grade, when I forgot the password, and sort of left off from there.  When I was in eighth grade Myspace began, and that was a big thing.  I loved Myspace, I kind of still love Myspace.  It was like a less personal, less creepy Facebook, with more creative options and more emotional output, in my opinion.  (Myspace is forever red-underlined on my word operater, I feel like that is so delayed, like if ‘bootylicious is in the dictionary in this day and age shouldn’t Myspace?  I’m taking too much time on this) 

Then I remember in ninth grade Facebook emerged, and no one was on it.  Do you remember those days?  When actually only the hipsters were on Facebook, the ones who were sick of Myspace and would post things like “You losers are still on Myspace?  Get on facebook!” on their Myspace statuses, and I tried it out, and then that was it.  I abondonded my poor Myspace, and haven’t left Facebook since.  I debate everyday on deleting it.  I actually loathe Facebook.  I hate uploading photo’s, I don’t really like having the obligation to post on people’s walls for their birthdays.  I would rather just, you know, see them in person.  I like it because it keeps me in contact with my family when we’re all travelling and my close friends, but the rest is sort of stupid.  I suppose making events is convenient as well, but those are the only upsides in my life…  Honestly, I don’t see the big deal.

I started Twitter only at the end of highschool, and I am a fervent Tweeter, Twit?  Tweetee?  Something like that.  I tweet all of the time, and mainly for myself.  It is sort of like an online representation of these notebooks I used to have through elementary school where it was a cross between a journal and a place to write lyrics.  Twitter allows me to be concise and funny and I like to look through it, I don’t really care who reads my tweets, although that’s not really how social networking works.  (I just realised that Twitter isn’t underlined, how odd, Facebook and Myspace are red-underlined but Twitter is left untouched.  Microsoft Word is an unreal place.  Again, I digress..)  My Twitter, if you’re interested:  @fekkledfudge

My latest adventure into social networking that I personally interact with would be Tumblr.  If you don’t know Tumblr, it is simple:  You reblog pictures and posts from complete strangers that you like to create your own blog.  I would love to be Tumblr famous, but I have reverted to just reblogging nice things that make me happy, this is my Tumblr if you’re interested:  www.huntersguidetohappiness.tumblr.com.  I tweeted not too long ago that I love Tumblr because it gives the illusion that I can be completely anonymous which evokes a freedom and a sense of creativity that I haven’t felt before.  I suggest you check out Tumblr, it’s fabulous for killing time.

Youtube is beginning to be a huge part of social networking that I have been apart of since probably my first surgery seven years ago,but I just watch.  I follow channels, and I love people whom I have never met.  I had the luck to meet one of my favourites in October, which was incredible.  I don’t have the balls to post video’s quite yet as I hate my voice and can’t stand editing the things.  But Youtube is fabulous.

So that’s my relationship to social networking, but to be honest I think it really isn’t a huge thing (as I have just typed out almost two pages worth of testimonials that it is, in fact, a huge thing.) but I don’t think twice about it, and that’s a worrisome thing to me.  This blog actually posts onto my Twitter, and I’ve been trying to get it to post onto my Tumblr as well but I’m not tech savvy enough to figure that out.  I would love to say that I am not in this whole networking scene but I am, and I use it for work and for writing and class work, but also to look at people from highschool who dated that guy who also slept with whoever, and it’s all plastered everywhere.  Our lives are being digitalised literally before our eyes, but I wonder if this is the best way.

Tumblr draws me in because it gives me the opportunity to also create, and be a part of a community and have friends.  Facebook seems to be a place for people you know where Tumblr is to meet new people and share.  Would it be terrible to say that I enjoy them being separate?  So much stigma with both, I can just picture the hipsters that used to have Facebook when the rest of us were on Myspace thinking to themselves Oh that Facebook, we were on that before it was cool, no we talk on our home lines, because it’s not mainstream anymore.  I can’t remember a time when I seriously used my landline at home, I just have my cellphone and facebook to talk to the people I love.

That’s kind of depressing, but means that I have every ability in the palm of my hand.  It’s liberating and restricting at the same time.  I don’t necessarily believe there is a drawn line between traditional and up-and-coming, or that anyone needs to distinctly hate or love social networking, but for the love of God stop sending so many Farmville and SimCity requests, never use a #hashtag on Facebook, and if you can’t sum up your life in 140 characters or less you’re more or less lost on the internet.

Cheers,

x

Fourteen

Day Fourteen:  On all these empty streets…

On Writing Poetry…

I’ve decided to write a series of my thoughts about things, as if this entire blog wasn’t just my thoughts on things anyway, but this way I’ll have a topic and examples and it will be very academic and lovely.  As for today I want to talk a bit about how I write poetry, and how it is different from how I write fiction or blogs or anything else I write. 

There is this line from a poem I wrote last year that has been stuck in my head for two days now, and I think I’m going to share to you the poem and construct to you how I wrote it.  Let me post it as follows:

To me you the sea in flux
In warmth in soft design,
Hold me in your infinite salt bed,
Rocking against me,
Washing me, towards clarity.

When I go about starting to write a poem I start with one word.  In this case I believe I started with ‘flux,’ and the first line sort of formed from there.  I usually start with a feeling, or I think at this point it was a feeling about a person, although conflicted and confused and all kinds of emotions obviously arise as the poem goes along, I’ve found that the most I write about seems to be the same person, who will remain anonymous for the time being.  This poem is for that person though. 

Actually, that’s not really right.  Because I do write for someone, and that person is mainly for myself.  Not that I think I myself am the sea, but I think something like this creates the casm in which my own emotion is drawn into.  I look at my poems as ways for me to organise the philosophical moments and thoughts that occur inside of me and let them out.  In this case the first line completely drives the poem to what else can be said:  salt, rocking, the ocean, idea’s about being held and what it means to be rocked towards a clear mind.  I’ve been dealing with meditation and a peaceful mind for a long time now, a lot of my poetry sort of derives from my confusion around what it really means to have a clear head.

That’s an interesting point though, I start most of my poetry with not thinking anything and then a word appears.  I would love to assume my poetry erupts from a clear mind, but that is presumptuous and probabl very hopeful thinking.  In the mean time, I can say my poetry sometimes sucks, and sometimes rocks, and in this moment I am forever in love with this short poem.  I am proud enough to say that yup, I wrote that in probably two minutes, and yup, I’d probably submit that to some people who publish things and say that’s one of my best ones.

But poetry doesn’t always come easy.  I think I like to edit my poems more than I admit to, because once I give them a look-over, especially the poems that I may not be so fond of at first, certain words and phrases become clear in my head.  I don’t want to accuse writing poetry to meditation but it really is for me, it is a time where I can relaly get out what I want to get out.  In this poem I think the last line’s punctuation could still to this day be up for debate.  I actually hate punctuation in poetry, not to sound postmodernist (bs-bs-bs) or anything, but it assumes (as my acting prof told us this morning) that when a comma appears a breath must be taken.  I would rather that stigma disappear with my poetry, breathe when you need to, don’t turn purple over my poetry or anything.  I’d rather some kind of organic emotion than a traditional speech any day, so that is what my work tends to be.

At the risk of sounding overly hippie-ish this evening I must say that after all of this poetry writing and after a life-long hatred of reading it I have learned to love every simple form of poetry.  Even the descriptive, “new wave” that erupted in the early 2000’s (if you don’t know what I mean…I should write an entire other post for that…) to something as, how do you say, quaint, as T.S. Elliot.  I appreciate all poetry now, and I am proud to say it. 

The best part about my poetry?  I do it on my own.  No course, no guidelines, no googling “How to write poetry.”  Just Jessie, writing, probably with a pen because I prefer writing my poetry in a notebook (although some of my best work has come out of frustratingly boring classes and have been a microsoft-word baby), and enjoying it thoroughly.  I have grown into it a lot more even from my Twelfth grade writer’s craft course, because I called my chap book “Desolate Island” and it was a terrible attempt at being “deep,” I think I received a 73 % on that project, but I can say with confidence that I have improved since then.

As for this poem, it rocks my world, hope this has been enlightening and less boring than I think it might be.  I’m a handful for which I apologise.  I suppose the rest of this week will be me writing about something that I do, that’ll be…riveting I’m sure.  Alright, take care.

x

Thirteen

Day Thirteen:  I like my Blue Jeans Blue

Today was the first day in a while that I recognised our family’s friend group and really spoke to them as an adult.  It was the first time I’ve ever had a glass of wine in one hand and a valid point and opinion in the other for people who are not necessarily related to me, but have known me since..well, before birth.  I can guarantee you they have never seen me for more than just a quiet teenager, an enthusiastic school child, and so on.  I’m here people, I know things, and now that I’m old enough to tell you about it don’t think I’m just going to chat about anything.  It is so important to me to know these people in their real lives, not just as my parents’ friends.  We had a house full of personalities to say the least.

It reminds me of when we were younger and our family would get together with their close friends and their children, and it would be a large house of conversations and laughter and playing.  It was always a playful attitude, but I was always a little older than everyone, a little quieter, a little more invested in the adult conversation.  I cannot wait to be a host, to have parties, and…entertain?  To just do that.  To have friends who will come together and drink wine and eat cheese dip.  I’ve had a taste of this…”culture,” and I want more.

I’ve never expected anything more than to continue to live life surrounded by people whom I love and love me.  Despite busy schedules,  insufficient funds, distance and more, I have faith that I have and will continue to spend time with the people who mean the most to me.  If I have to wait until I have my own stable housing situation to actually “host” a house party then so be it, doesn’t mean I can’t bring the party with me.

In fabulous news, we found a copy of King Lear.  It took forever, thank god for Zoe and the internet.

x

Twelve

Day Twelve:  And if there is someone you can live without, then do so

I was asked recently if I would die for my country.  I have a skewed idea of nationalism, patriotism, if I would consider “fighting and dying for my country” the same as saving the ones I love, but if it is then I would die for my “country,” assuming that I am doing the saving.  I’m not a superhero, but I believe in doing your part for safety.  Be it mentally, physically, health-wise, I find it important for everyone to have someone to save them, I enjoy that most of the people In my life have that drive to “save,” or atleast contribute to the saving.  I love you Canada and all but I love the people who mean the most to me more.

Canada is one of those nifty countries I think. We are supposed to be nice and semi-clueless and love hockey and maple syrup, and although I guess I could admit to being all of those things I just identify myself as a Canadian because it is a nice place to live.  I don’t (always) feel like I am in danger, I can say that the healthcare system has benefited me despite being confusing and unhelpful at times, and I don’t mind the winter it doesn’t feel like home without it.  But that’s the thing, here it is folks, right down to the point here:  It feels like home but it…doesn’t feel like it’s enough anymore.

I’ve been to so many places, and maybe it’s because this is a hugely transient time in my life where I don’t know if Guelph or Waterloo or anywhere really is home, and Canada is beautiful and lovely and it wouldn’t be Christmas without a white blanket over the front lawn (just forget about the last couple of years) but I crave someplace that is truly for me, and I don’t think I’ve found that yet.  I need to keep looking, travelling, meeting people and seeing wonders that I have only dreamed about until now.  I want to find home.

Is it so hard to accept life the way it is?  Yes, I’m in a transient moment of my life, and I have ups and downs with happiness, and school is stressful, but I am…content with it.  It is what it is.  I can’t go changing things out of my control, so I’ve decided to just….deal with it.  Let it happen.   I’ve written about this a lot lately, but it is important for me to bring clarity and light just for myself to the fact that I am actually going with the flow for once.  Bam.  Look at me go, the training wheels come off, here in the real world, eh?

X

Eleven

Day Eleven:  To Be Like Audrey

I have had these neverending urges to go camping lately.  Like real-life camping, where there’s a tent and a campfire for food, and some sort of camp on a lake.  Ideally not in the winter, but I suppose I’m not picky.  I haven’t been camping in years, and I just want to go.  I wrote a post earlier about being obsessed with sound, and I think camping ignites all kinds of different natural sounds that are commonly overlooked in my everyday life.  Looking past the solitude and peace that comes with camping, I crave the “silence” that comes along with it.  Walking in the woods and hearing nothing but footsteps.  Serenity?  Indeed.

x

TEN

Day Ten:  I want to hide a while behind your smile

I’ve been thinking a lot about heroes lately.  Bowie sings a lot about them, Hercules seems strong and amiable, the possibility of a journey, an adventure, seems to be what draws me in.  Coming off of a four-month-non-stop-adventure and then settling in to a steady routine seems hard for me.  I’ve already booked my entire weekend solid, not including any down-time at all for myself, and I think that needs to change.  As much as I would like to say that I am an invincible semi-god hero (as my acting professor likes to include in all definitions of a hero) I am not.  I am human, Just Jessie, and I must admit a little tired.

I pledge that next week I will take it a little easier, drink more tea, and smile more.  Those three things are integral to my clean mind space I think, as well as continuing to write.  I didn’t nurture the need to write today and I sort of regret it, but I guess that can be held off for another time.  I don’t have much in mind other than short poetry anyway, I should start thinking about something more concrete before starting anyway.

I am happier right now than I have been in a long time.  It surprises me, lovingly, that I can do this right now.  That I can confidently say to friends and family that I can do this semester, as busy as it is going to get.  That I am content about everything, and beyond all of that I am motivated to continue travelling, exploring new things, and nurturing my friendships.  Gosh, my prof asked us today what we loved and I was going to say my friends.  I truly have no idea what I would do without the grounding conversations, never-ending laughter, endless support and love I get from each one.  I can only hope that I am that good of a friend to any of them.

Early bed for me this evening, I think next week I might make a theme for each night so that less posts tunr out like this one:  random and unorganised.  There is nothing I prefer less than an unorganised blogpost.  I’ll think about this and get back to you.

Goodnight,

X

Jess

Nine

Day Nine:  Let's Start to Lose Control Turn Up Your Radio

Have I mentioned yet that I actually love learning?  That doing recommended as well as optional readings, and participating in seminars, and attending lectures all really excite me?  I just love to know things and develop my own idea’s.  There is something about being passionate about the things that I’m learning that makes me want to continue to do graduate studies.  At other times I remember how exhausting the whole lot of this degree and system is and appreciate the time it takes now.  Despite the exhaustion, I love that I am learning anything at all.

It doesn’t always feel like learning.  Like today’s Literature in History reading was eleven pages of general, common-sense topics that was an overview and not really that necessary, it doesn’t feel like I’m learning much.  But I know that when I leave tomorrow’s seminar I will have thought about things I didn’t think I would think about during that hour and a half, evokes thought and propels my curiosity further.  I love this field for that.

As I go through my studies to better my education, spiff up on writing papers, network academically and ultimately create a professional self for myself I forget that life isn’t just about attaining this silly piece-of-paper degree.  That what I am actually getting out of this whole process is experience, like it or not, easy or not easy, tiring or smooth, I will end up a better Lady because of it.  That is the exciting part, not the marks at the end, but the adventures that seem to become my everyday.

My life feels like it is actually falling into place now.  I am determined on being less anxious about everything:  stop worrying about every little thing, and to let it all just fall. 

They say that things that fall

Break on the way down,

But I’m already broken so

I’ve saddled up for the way down.

x

Jess

Eight

Day Eight:  Just a few notes of Confidence needed

As classes actually begin, I have this looming feeling that I should probably start thinking I can do well in them.  My acting class in particular worries me, because I have a hard time reading things off a piece of paper quickly or without stumbling on words, and I am going to try but it is humiliating...  I know I can do it, I just really need to get behind myself.  This is all kinds of silly right now, but I just need it to go well, I need to do this for myself.  I wanted a challenge, and by golly this one is tremendous.

Confidence is silly that way though, because you don't always feel confident or like you can do anything, that invincible feeling comes and goes, but it takes some precise training to be confident in most of what you do.  I try, or atleast to remind myself that Hey, Yeah, I can do this, Don't worry so much.  For me it has to be something with balance, I need to balance my confidence over all aspects including classes, socially, all kinds of things.  I struggle with lots of things like that, I worry about them and don't let myself enjoy learning because I find myself worrying that I will not do well.  I am attempting with this acting class to just let myself get involved, to let myself go a bit, I'm not sure how that will work out.

aI gots the faith that everything will work out, especially with that three hour practical course tomorrow, it will work out, I'll have a coffee after and feel a lot better about it.  I like coffee now, it's an epidemic.  I hope classes have begun smoothly for everyone, and I hope that despite all the odds, including your own battles and struggles, you know that you can do this, I gots the faith for you.  I may still be trying to believe in myself all the time, but one thing is for sure:  I believe in people enough to believe in you.  Just so you know, I'll remind you again so you don't forget later.

Hugs,
x
Jess

Seven

Day Seven:  Same Love

I wrote a poem last night when I didn't want to, I didn't want to write any poems this week thus far, but I made myself.  Sometimes they come out absolute shit, and other times they come out nice, and some times, those really rare times, they come out the way I want them to.  This was the one from last night:

You are a blockhead,
did you know that?
a square puzzled piece
that quite fits in with
my uneven everyday.

I won't write tons of musings about the success of my poetry, but for the most part I find that if I don't force myself to write too much it comes out perfect.  I love that poem, and I sort of don't really know who it is written about right now, I feel transient, like I don't belong with anybody and nobody really wants to fit with me.  That's okay, I don't mind bothering you all that much anyway.

Today was the first day of class and I only had one, and it was good.  Tomorrow will be a little bit more stressful, three hour-and-a-half classes back to back, but I am excited.  It will be nice to actually start the routine again.  I love routine, despite my lack of wanting to really fit into time periods or anything of that sort, I just like to have a time to get up and  to to sleep.  I'm odd that way, I don't want to be told what to do but I do want to tell myself what to do.  I think that's a very good thing about me though, better than letting someone else tell me what to do, right?

I've just been catching up with people lately, and am really happy about it.  I miss my friends when I'm not around them all the time, so seeing them truly makes me feel like I may fit somewhere, not negating my earlier statement:  I still think that I don't really fit anywhere right now, but I sort of fit with different people at different times.  I think it is good for people to spend time with different people because it gives you different perspectives on things, I know it does for me.

I feel so busy already, with all kinds of classes and all kinds of errands to do, it's a terrific feeling.  I actually really enjoy being busy, having something to do and a purpose, it is really nice.  I like being useful, it gives me purpose.  Do you like to have a purpose?  I do, I like to think that that poem above has a purpose in my life, and in my being, and that today my anxiety for classes had its purpose, and that everything that happened happened for a reason, no randomness, but not necesarilly for a common good.  Maybe that common good should be me and I should start believing it.

Maybe this whole world just moves in such a genuine way I don't want to mess with it right now, just letting things be.

x
Jess

Six

Day Six:  A snowflake falls in May.

Back to more productive days in what I hope to be a line of very busy, but happily productive days.  I am going into tomorrow as the first day of classes with a positive attitude and I need to maintain that for the time being.  So much to get in order tomorrow that I feel like I might explode, but it will get done and it will be fine, and I will feel better and this will all be a great term.  Those are my hopes anyway, cannot make any promises.

I finally got my digital picture frame from Santa working and it now sits on my desk floating through pictures from the past four months.  They include my favourite ones or ones of myself doing just different, interesting things.  Things I want to see on my desk for inspiration and memory, to remember that yeah, I'm awesome, and yeah, I can do anything. What great news on a daily, well timed basis.  I love the pictures from every single place I've been, I miss it so much, but I intend to keep on travelling and going on adventures.  Very determined to be busy and happy.  This is going to work.

I have been spending the past little while working on what kind of routine I want to have for this semester and I have decided on getting up early and being producf

ive.  I think it is a great idea, to nurture productivity as well as taking care of all other aspects of my life, it's all kinds of a good idea, I just need to stick to it.  I'm finally in a good routine with my skin and makeup and all that kind of fun stuff, now to like, add in the rest of my life.

This project contributes to that as well.  It helps encourage my creativity and focus, as well as actually finishing something I start.  It is so satisfying to finish something, like actually do something that you enjoy and get it all right.  I am determined now, no looking back!

So what is next?  School, course work, friends, that kind of thing.  I want to keep writing and reading but to be honest this term is turning out to look busier and busier as it piles up infront of me.  I want to improve, and so I will improve.  It's all about the mindspace, which for me right now is quite peaceful.

And so I leave tonight's post off with just well-wishes to those off to school tomorrow, I know my two younger siblings are heading back to their respectable schools, and the rest of my friends back to the lovely journey of post-secondary education.  I hope it is successful, not too tiring already, and that like me you all sat at a dinner table tonight and drank a glass of wine, completely  content with the upcoming week.  It is going to be a long term, a cold one too as it looks like outside, but it will be a good one, I am counting on it.

Love,

x
Jess

Five

Day Fve:  Quidditch After Dark

Something is so raw about sound.  I sound insan, but lately I've been fascinated by the way things around me sound.  Even my fingers hitting the keys, it is so clear, and yet natural.  There is something about footsteps.  Footsteps in every form:  outside, on snow, on grass, through the woods, on stairs, jumping, dancing, delcately stepping.  Sometimes I wish I didn't have to talk to people, I could just sit and listen to everyone around me.  I guess I do that anyway very often.  Say I'm waiting for someone in a coffee shop, or seemingly prancing down the street with my headphones on, there is a good chance I'm not listening to anything but to the people around me.  I love listening, which is probably a terrific thing since I can't really see that well.

Like have you ever been driving at night in the fall and had the windows open and just turned down the radio (I know, crazy) and listened to the outdoors?  The air rushing past, the tires against theroad, other cars, fresh air and sound makes me so happy.  I love that I can't drive nowadays so I can close my eyes and enjoy those moments. 

It is sofunny to me sometime to get those questions of "would you rather...losing your sight or hearing?"  ad I honestly don't know how to answer.  I'v lost most of my sight, and dealt with it, and I am lucky in that I can still see if only marginally...  But to lose my hearing?  If I were in Scotland again and couldn't hear my footsteps while climbing the Curang, or to hear the waves against the sand in Italy while also hearing my own breathing and the others around me, those small moments where seeing is memory, and other senses my trigger memory, but hearing something truly makes me remember it in a much more vivid way than otherwise assumed.  I love music, yes, but just the world around me.  I fascinates me, I want to go listening right now.

Only I could go on for paragraphs on listening.  I'm probably going to go outside now and listen, walk and get a coffee or something.  I apologise for he mispellings and the missing letters, my keyboard has been weird since August, I don't really know why...

Go listen today, don't take it or anything for granted.

x
Jess

Four

Day Four:  Movin' on up!

Today is the day I move into my new house!  And I have, and everything went alright, and we got everything here and everything is accounted for.  It is a totally different house than I have ever been in before.  I love the stove.  What a weird part to really like, but I really like the stove.  The handles for the stove top are right at the front, so I can see them safely and perfectly.  I'm still getting used to the house, and I have yet to met anyone but I don't really want to bother anybody...  It will be okay.

I went out for dinner with Chris at Fionn McCool's, an Irish pub that replaced Casey's here in Guelph and has lots of whiskey.  It was nice to catch up, and I walked there all by myself!  Gosh, all these little triumphs, makes me feel like I am actually productive and successful!

It is bizarre living in a big house with lots of people who I don't know. I saw a friend from theatre at McCool's so that was really nice, familiar face...  I need to get back to myself I think, it would just be nice if I felt more at home somewhere...  I am being positive, it's just different hee.  Change.  Change change change.  My faaaavourite thig..

I made some tea after walking home and now I'm ready to get settled for the evening.  I am going to watch a movie and sleep early, Judith's coming tomorrow!  A lot of people move in tomorrow actually, which is exciting, and I am ready for everyone to be here and settled already!  I cn't believe classes start on Monday, I am ready and all but it is unblievable!  It feels like yesterday I was getting ready to go to London, now it's all over and done.

But it was worth it, despite what people might think, and I am so happy hat it has opened so many new opportunities for me.  That's something about University that I always forget:  opportunity.  It is an opportunity to take chances, to be strongand happy, to meet people and learn things from people who know what they're talking about.  Wouldn't it be nice to not chicken out on one of these opportunitiesone of theee days?  I'm working on it.

I am painfully awkward at introducing people.  I thought this would be important to bring up because I forgot to introduce my dad to someone today, and it became obviously awkward later on, and I just wish I could do it.  Maybe that should be my goal for the week:  introduce somene to another someone without makin it excruciatingly awkward.  I don't know if I'm up to the challenge, but I will try my best. 

I am so tired right now, oday has been such a productive day!  Tomorrow should be also.  I wonder if my room will stay this clean.  This is just becoming random thoughts now, maybe Ineed a blog like that once in a while.

Strange as it eems there's been a run of crazy dreams..

If you can decipher this you'e far better off than I,

love,
x
Jess

Three

Day Three:  Philanthropy, to love human kind.

I think there's something very important to be said about people who make time and put in effort for other people.  Just thoughtful-ness, considering what someone else is feeling, why is that so unimportant to so many people?  Or if it is important to people, why refrain from showing it?  Life is so short, friends are fragile, and in order to keep and be a friend a fraction of thought is needed.  I'm all kinds of crazy opinionated about these things, because I care about things I suppose.  I just think that if someone is important in my life I will make sure they know they are, instead of being cryptic of mysterious. I  don't think anyone goes very far with much mystery, but how far am I really?  Who am I to say anything?

I think I want to grow up o be a Philanthropist.  Just someone who is gunnin' for thehuman race, spreads peace, and generally just wants everyone to be happy.  I am still on this journey to figure out what I actually want with a career in life, what I want to spend my days ding.  I want to work for people.

I don't ponder much on definitions of words or etymology, but I suddenly wonder what the direct definiion of "cosy" actually is, if there is a tangible definition or if it is along the lines of "hope" or "strength," things that although everyone hasa personal conception of the words there is no way to perfecly describe such feelings.  I love how peculiar and philosophical anything can become after a few moments of thought...  Look at me going again, off tinking.  I love thinking.

I am moving back to school tomorrow, and to be honest I am nervous about it.  I am excited to see everyone again, and to start a new routine and chapter, but it is a little scary going to a new house with ne people and starting completely fresh.  This is all so new to me, I love t but it is so new and different, I don't usually react to a lot of change well, and here I am changing so much about what I know and love...

I guess my goal for tomorrow is to focus on the present and o enjoy the day.  I gt to move into my own place, and be independent and smile and have my own schdule again.  Tht is a nice thing about being at school:  I am on my own time.  I think the word refreshing is the ost fitting, gosh, words are just great.

I would just like to point out that I love my friends and my family, incase that wan't evident before, and that bing home has been fanastic and hard and fantastic again and that I am eternally grateful for everyoe who spends time listening to me or with me.  You are are fabulous, I am so lucky.  I've said that so much lately but I am.  I am so effing lucky.

Alright, off to watch some Nurse Jackie and pretend I'm not moving tomorrow.

Take care,

x
Jess