272

Day Two Hundred and Seventy-Two:  Do Something.

I’ve dreamt about making a difference for a long time.  For years, and years, and years and years I have searched.  I’ve volunteered, and taken time to help people, I suppose, but nothing substantial  I have always thought my passions would never be important enough to help other people and make a difference.  This was until I gained the confidence to start believing in my art.

I am not a firefighter, I am not a doctor, but I am an artist.  I take pride in my art, the things that I write and speak, the things that I believe in, are important to me, and through my passion these things strike effort and affect in other people, eventually causing change.  This change was evident last night at an event that I organised to support the CNIB Child and Youth Services.  I could go on about it, but what the whole cause boils down to is that I care so much about those kids that I gave up time, effort, stress levels and more to make a difference for them.  If I were to do nothing else to help anyone else in my life I will know I’ve atleast done that.

Through my future art, through my interntions and my idea’s I plan to make a significant difference.  At this very moment my mind races wth script idea’s, for a video in particular, that hopefully will make a difference, and if it doesn’t it was still created.  That’s something about being an artist that is hard to come to terms with:  If the intention is there it is worth it regardless if it truly touched anyone else or not.

But the chances are that if you are passionate enough about something it will change someone’s life.   It will make a change, it will affect someone so heartily that eventually it will become that significant piece, that prominent, in the-foreground change that you’ve been looking for.  How proud it makes me to say that finally things have come together with my love for writing and theatre and helping others.

I’m not saying that everyone directly helps anyone, really, as much as they would like to think they do.  But I love to believe that just being immersed in my art and loving it and caring about it and people gives me the agency to expand and grow and help more people.  This fact, in itself, has electrified my vision for who I want to be as I grow up.  That’s right, as I grow up.  I have finally identified myself with those of us who are on the journey, I’ve stopped looking for the infamous “adulthood” and have decided to jump on the path to get to it.

So to everyone still searching:  It’s worth it.  And to everyone else, the majority of the population (working age and above, or anyone who’s accepted the challenge of “growing up”) grab your hiking boots, utility belts and flashlights and follow me.

x

271

Day Two Hundred and Seventy-one:  It’s Business Time

I’ve been considering buying business attire for a while now.  I’ve specifically wanted tan and gray dress pants and some plain blouses.  I’d need some new proper shoes, I’d love some navy oxfords ad brown loafers, and probably a belt or two that were nice.  Banana Republic is my business attire destination of choice, but the chances of me being able to afford any of their clothing is slim, and so I dream for now.  I actually don’t really need that much proper work clothes right now anyway, but sometimes it’s nice to look forward, right?

I’ve been thinking a lot about next year, next fall, and what September 2014 will bring.  I look forward quite often, obviously, and it is nice to plan ahead in my opinion.  I have no idea what this time next year will look like, but I can only hope that the dreams I have now will be fulfilled and will be starting.  Some of my dreams seems unrealistic, but I am determined to make them happen.

I’ve been writing a lot about support lately, and I’m currently working on a project surrounding Canadian support and what it means to be a supportive Canadian.  I think that something about being Canadian inherently makes us polite, positive, and supportive, or atleast that is the national understanding about us, but part of me wants to say that it is something else.  Maybe our nation doesn’t define us, but maybe it gives us the framework to grow to that point?  I’m not sure.

This probably seems like it’s coming from left field, what with my talking about business attire and the future and all, but it isn’t really for me.  I am hoping that September 2014 will be bringing me to a different country yet again, and that hope is on the belief that if I leave home I will continue to be a supportive Canadian, and in turn Canadian at all.  We’ve been talking in my Canadian Drama seminar about working in Canada’s theatre system, and what it means to be Canadian in a theatrical sense, and how important it is for us as a nation to further Canadian theatre.  Does it make me a bad Canadian to want to travel and grow abroad?  Or does that fact just endorse my Canadian-ness further?  Let me explain.

Canadians are so welcmoming (again, or so we think) and we try to preserve culture and hope to encompass further other cultures, countries, and people in our own land.  If I want to study somewhere else, or experience a different culture, is it too much to ask for some Canadian support on that?  I’m not disowning my country, and I never said that I wouldn’t want to turn around in three years and come right back, travel the very large country we have here and do theatre, but I think I just need to spread my arms a little wider when it comes to what I support before I lock myself down.

That’s another dream of mine, to road trip Canada with a company that I’ve created myself, but make it a charitable company that performs ina  certain way all over Canada.  Today is the first day that I realised that was why I wanted to do it, because I wanted to support Canada with what I know.  This paragraph of this post has illuminated a path for me, friends, this is a moment in my own history.  I think I’m going to cry.  I have just realised what I want to do, and maybe you know what I’m talking about and maybe you don’t, but for me, this…this is quite a lot of progress for a Saturday afternoon.

x

270

Day Two Hundred and Sixty-Nine:  Last time.

I’ve been thinking a lot about boundaries lately and setting up comfortable boundaries with people.  I think it’s never too early or too late to establish how you would like to be treated within any relationship, but communication seems to get in the way.  Sometimes I wish that I was more outspoken with certain people in my life, and other times I wish I had kept more to myself.  What it all comes down to is what I feel is important for me.  How selfish is that?  I’m trying to think that it is more empowering as opposed to greedy, I should not feel guilty for putting boundaries in order to protect my own feelings, mental health and positivity.  But what I don’t understand is that some people overlook the boundaries people set for them.  Honour anything put in place by the people in your life so that they feel safe.  I respect everyone’s right to having a safe and protected relationship with me, and if they want to communicate differently than that’s great.  I expect my boundaries to be followed as well, but relationships are a two way street.  Friendships are hard work, but there are two of you involved, and it takes a lot of work and balance to create the façade of ease.  But, if anything, friendship is worth riding through eachother’s boundaries, because it creates lasting and fulfilled moments and eventually lives.

I’m full of cheese again today.

x 

Two Hundred and Seventy:  Never Break the Chain

Autumb is my favourite season for a few reasons.  It signifies the beginning of a new school year, and takes its time to gear up for winter by integrating the warm and cold months together.  Autumn brings the prettiest colours to the tree’s, to fashion, to warm beverages and the cold, and also brings the sports that us Canadians love most, most prominently hockey.  Autumn means that Christmas is coming, and Thanksgiving, which are both family oriented holidays, as well as the best smell in the world at the cottage.  Pies, sweaters, and hot chocolate all becomes more acceptable, and above all it means that, as much as the year has been good or bad, it is ending soon.  Autumn is the season of change, and in my case it is closing off 2013, which in my opinion needs to end.

IEvery season brings on change, new life in the spring, heat and calm in the summer, winter brings endurance and the continuous pledge of Canadians to “last this one out,” but fall does something different.  The changes are seen vividly on the trees, and they are comfortable changes.  Gradual changes.  Nothing as drastic as summer or winter, but just comfortable.  What I’m enjoying about this fall is that I’m home to see the leaves change when they’re supposed to (and not mid-November like in England) and gearing up for Christmas is more realistic, I have begun saving for presents already.

Thanksgiving is next though, two weekends away, and for me Thanksgiving is a time for me to catch up and see family, which is a nice point for me.  I see how they’ve grown over the summer since I saw them at Easter, but also spending time with them at a mid-point in the term is always so important.  My family provides me with such support, and with all of the changes that have already gone by in my life and are soon to come (I am twenty-one and three quarters, you know) I need that support in my back pocket.  Change is tricky, and in my case happens without notice sometimes.  It’s important to keep a tab on such things.

It’s been a little warm for my liking though, but that’s something else that has been changing and that I’ve had to get used to the change is when I was younger the seasons seemed more decipherable.  Winter had snow by the foot, summer had warm hot days and cooler nights, Spring brought flowers and showers and autumn was cool and crisp.  I want it to be crisp already, damnit!

So as I sit here waiting for my traditional Autumn of yore to arrive I hope everyone else is enjoying the season of gradual change, and I hope that this semester hasn’t brought you all down too much already, we still have three months until Christmas!

X

269

Day Two Hundred and Sixty-Nine:  Last time.

I’ve been thinking a lot about boundaries lately and setting up comfortable boundaries with people.  I think it’s never too early or too late to establish how you would like to be treated within any relationship, but communication seems to get in the way.  Sometimes I wish that I was more outspoken with certain people in my life, and other times I wish I had kept more to myself.  What it all comes down to is what I feel is important for me.  How selfish is that?  I’m trying to think that it is more empowering as opposed to greedy, I should not feel guilty for putting boundaries in order to protect my own feelings, mental health and positivity.  But what I don’t understand is that some people overlook the boundaries people set for them.  Honour anything put in place by the people in your life so that they feel safe.  I respect everyone’s right to having a safe and protected relationship with me, and if they want to communicate differently than that’s great.  I expect my boundaries to be followed as well, but relationships are a two way street.  Friendships are hard work, but there are two of you involved, and it takes a lot of work and balance to create the façade of ease.  But, if anything, friendship is worth riding through eachother’s boundaries, because it creates lasting and fulfilled moments and eventually lives.

I’m full of cheese again today.

x  

268

Day Two Hundred and Sixty-Eight:  Rumours.

I’ve been bit with the sore throat bug today and I’m a grumpy goose because of it.  I’m a week ahead in reading, salvaging any energy for memorising, and gearing up to a fantastic weekend at home with family, friends, writing and a great event .  I am looking forward to it all, and yet I feel as though I could sleep for a week and still not be rested.  Something about having a cold makes you sluggish, and not feel motivated for anything.  Something about colds inject you with grumpy gil-syndrome, and I intend on defeating it!

With dr. Who and Laying in bed.  I think being snug and warm with help as well, and lots of water and tea, and not worrying.  Worrying is a catalyst for colds, stress joins it, and when put together it’s like the colds JUST KNOW that you’re more susceptible! 

Friends, it is my goal nay my duty to myself to not feel so, and by golly it will happen!  On towards an evening of punching this cold in the face!

(Stay tuned to hear how my cold develops, I know you’re very interested.  Oh the joys of being in close quarters with thousands of germy students…  The library alone probably sees all kinds of bacteria and diseases, and yet I still go in there.  Tuesday a prof sneezed right infront of me, I bet that’s where I got this darn cold.  I bet I could defeat it If I had stayed at home watching Dr. Who.  I bet I’d get a lot more work done if I didn’t feel like writing the entire time.  Is that a bad thing though?  Not really.  I need a job, or a hobby.  I need yarn that’s what I need!  This is over now.)

x

267

Day Two Hundred and Sixty-Seven:  Being an Adult is Hard

In yoga before we start everything we set an intention for ourselves to accomplish, and usually I set one for the week.  For example I want to make time for myself, or be more focused.  In today’s class I set the intention that a month from now I will be as calm as I am now.  It’s been nearly a month into this term, only two full months of classes remain, which technically means I’m just about a third of the way done classes for this term.  And I am incredibly calm.  I’ve been taking everything day-by-day, and not psychng myself out, and going with the flow.  IT’s been helpful, if not therapeutic when it comes to dealing with the stress of coursework.  Yes, I become stressed about my workload from time-to-time, and sometimes my room becomes completely cluttered and I eat out more than usual and neglect seeing people, but those times are to be expected.  What’s getting to me right now is that I haven’t become overwhelmed quite yet, and although that is bound to change I hope that I will have the grace that I have in this moment to take it as it comes, and not get worried about it.

Growing up has brought responsibility and struggles and worries with the journey, my pack has been filled to the brim with things to think about, and yet I have lately been able to completely shut off my thoughts, or atleast relate them to a focused term.  In my case it’s been Dr. Who, and some other mundane tasks like showering and walking, just kind of “me” time completely.  I shut out the world and am in my own, just in my own.  It’s hard enough to explain how calm I am in comparison to previous terms where everything becomes too much.  Maybe once a play or two is due in playwrighting I will get more bogged down with coursework, but again, I do hope that I will compose myself and take time, you know?

In other news I desperately feel like knitting.  I cannot wait to start these projects I’ve got in mind, maybe after Halloween I’ll be able to speak about such Christmas-y projects, but for another month I’ll have to come up with more appropriate and relevant topics.  Such as today and how bizarre it is that I haven’t had a massive flip out yet.  Maybe this is just the calm before the storm…

Here’s hoping I’ve just grown out of those times and will remain calm and cool all term!

x

266

Day Two Hundred and Sixty-Six:  Sexuality.

People seem to keep Sexuality all locked up within themselves along with who they vote for and what their spirituality, and maybe that’s only relevant to me because not everyone in my life lives in the liberal arts (as most of my friends at UoG do) and so I spend a lot of time pondering why this is.  Why is it awkward if I embrace the fact that I like men?  Is it relevant to anyone else?  I don’t find it important, really, because I’ve always said along with my spirituality that what I believe is not communal.  In my eyes spirituality is an individual thing, and to me sharing that with tons of people makes it less personal.  That’s only my opinion though.

But my sexuality affects other people.  It really does, I mean, friendships, family members, my future, as much as every other decision or impulse that I have like what to do after I graduate or if I prefer white or chocolate milk my sexuality affects that, and as much as I dislike that fact it is important to thinka bout.  I think I’m confused about sexuality and its relevance in general because we live in such an…..ambiguous?  Well, not a sexually ambiguous society that’s for sure, but we live in a very cautious society when it comes to sexuality.  Sometimes people are cautious about stepping on people’s toes, and other times they are cautious TO step on those toes, and sometimes I don’t care either way, I’d just appreciate some consideration and acceptance.

My sexuality is a part of who I am but like my disability, like my political stance, it only shapes me but does not define me.  It contributes to my definition, akin to Jessica: Noun, it only furthers the understanding that is me.  (Weird I referred to myself as Jessica there, odd. Strange. Bizarre).  What really gets to me is that our lives are dependent on this journey to “find ourselves.”  When are young we are told to “be who you are” and yet everyone struggles to even KNOW who they are, and then wise old people will say “you are too young to know who you are, but you will know..” ….  Will I?  Will I ever be able to say “Yup, this is me!”

Well, yes, I will, at a moment, but in all fairness people change.  I am a confident, stable being who believes in equality and trust and justice, but also is fun loving and caring and positive.  These things have been consistent throughout my life but I’ve not always been this way and I will not remain this way.  We change as our experiences change, so my traits are allowed to develop and grow, and so do things like my sexuality.

What I think people get bogged down with when they’re at these critical developing times is that we must find the things that define us.  Like I wrote about earlier this week finding a talent, but also finding out what we stand for and what we believe in, those are things that develop over time.  I always encourage people to have an opinion, but by golly your opinion is allowed to grow, to change, to be different and to be unique to you.  That’s what sexuality is.  I don’t define sexuality in black-and-white terms, but I do define it as something important to explore.

And not explore in the stereotypical “college experience” of sexuality, I literally mean explore.  Look at different people, feel different things, try things, try different relationships, conversations, communicate in different ways.  And not always in that “sexual” primal sex way, but in a relationship, go on dates, try online dating, try friendship, try anything figure out who you are.  These things could take years, I’m still on my search for what I want in life within the realm of my sexuality, and it is only a matter of further adventures within this realm until I figure it out.

What I’m trying to say is that I don’t believe in the notion of the “concrete-ness”  of self.  As humans we are given the ability to change, to grow to our exponential capacities and then stream up and out of the box.  Our boxes, those little ones that define us, are merely guidelines for our identities.  It may be a struggle, and a challenge, but I remind myself that everyone around me struggles with the same things, just in very different ways.

x

265

Day Two Hundred and Sixty-Five:  One Hundred Days to Go

Writing is a journey.  Think about it.  You plan out a time when you sit down and let things inside of your head come out and sometimes it is beautiful and heartwarming and identifiable and other times it’s analytic and academic and boring, and other times it’s just whatever you feel like, but you took the time and effort to make it happen and so with that you contribute to some kind of art.  I have been writing blogs like this since first year, and thinking about this project has gotten me really nostalgic for my early writing years and my writing in general.

I remember when I first started writing a lot it was in third grade when I didn’t have any friends so I would sit under this big tree and write.  I had just finished a book on the pioneers so I feel like it was about that, and maybe some Egyptian stories too, and I would write and draw little pictures and put my heart into those things.  It was a white binder, and I was so proud of that writing.  Now it seems I’ve gravitated towards public writing, writing for a greater good, but that isn’t to say I don’t write for my own benefit or for class, it’s just that sometimes I put my thoughts out there for…thought.

I was appreciating this blog, and how it keeps me on my toes and encourages me to work on my writing daily.  It helps me think about thigns in different perspectives but also fine-tunes my voice.  We talk about voice a lot in playwrighting where in order to find a voice we take a long time figuring out how we want to speak or what we want to speak about.  I currently am procrastinating on a monologue project for tomorrow morning due to my lack of focus on my voice, and well, I think I will regre thtat tomorrow but it will be fine.  I appreciate this blog because it takes time and effort to think of things everyday but the writing does not take much effort. 

Writing for me is simple.

And so it fits into my mandate for this semester of taking things as they come.  In one hundred days this project will come to an end and I will have written over 1000 blog posts between my first 365, my travel blog, personal blog and the inbetweeners.  I have been contemplating new projects and what I would like to do after this is over, looking ahead and seeing where I would like to go with this.  Next semseer is going to be academically and creatively draining, so maybe I need a new, challenging project that combines the two?  I will have to think on it a bit more.

Part of me wants to follow my independent study process through blog form, but then another part of me wants to just start a diary, it all comes together very sporadically in my head sometimes.  I thought I’d start this post and end with an idea, but at this point it looks as though it’s going to take me another hundred days to get it all figured out.  Maybe I’ll write a list of goals for each week and write about how I’ve accomplished them, or something, or maybe I will just let myself write.  The thing about my writing is that sometimes it really needs structure, and in the form of blogs I do need that structure.

But for now I think I am doing well.  Sometimes, as I have mentioned, my posts come out a little less quality than I’d prefer, but that’s the reality of having a blog-a-day outlet.  Sometimes I am not happy with my work, but I will always be proud of it.  I stand by my art, even if it doesn’t stand up to my own standards because it is important to believe in yourself.

Alright, end of the cheese, I’m off to try for my solo play.

x

264

Day Two Hundred and Sixty-Four:  So little time,

So when I spend my days keeping up with readings and assignments, staying sane, and being moderately social I find that when I do get a little time for myself I don’t get to writing.  I should. In reality it is something I quite enjoy, and yet Netflix is such an easy outlet, food is such an easy venture, and yet now I feel the need to write a while.  Write about the past few days, perhaps, since I’ve strayed away from my life for a while (except for the work side) and so here it is.

I’ve spent the last few days balancing readings, rehearsals, and assignments with seeing the people that I like, going for drinks, having conversations, spending general time together.  Moments like these balanced with enough time in the theatre and an equal part of creative writing and I maintain an ounce of sanity.  I’ve been watching Dr. Who, which in itself deserves an entire post, but I’m waiting until I get a bit farther in to do that.  It takes a while because they’re long episodes and I want to pay attention to every detail, which in itself is exhausting.  What else?  Planning my event, which is next weekend, and hoping everything is going well for it.  I’m going home next weekend to spend time with my family, and that is an exciting thought.  My life is a balancing act, and I’m okay wth it.

Now if only we could figure out a way to stop time so I could sleep for an extra five hours every evening.

In other news a new week is about to begin, and with that comes more readings, but it also brings more time for sleeping and seeing people!  I wouldn’t complain about something like that now would O?  Absolutely not.  Life is busy for everyone right now, and despite what we all think we are all together in this.  It’s nice sometimes to just sit together and recognise this and move past it, maybe hug it out, and get on with our days.

x

263

Day Two Hundred and Sixty-Three:  Sandpaper Castles

Wouldn’t it be interesting we all had one specific talent?  As much as we are told growing up that everyone has something they are good at, it would be nice if that talent was as obvious as fantastic football player, or wonderful painter, or articulate writer.  But no, talents come in all shapes in sizes (along with every other fairytale we heard from our guardians about bodies, personalities and the like) and those talents sometimes don’t surface for ages. 

I once started to get anxious that I would not be good at anything.  It was about halfway through highschool, and that panic settled in that when I was to apply for university there wouldn’t be anything but what I was interested in (English) but not that good at to take.  That panic continued, and stayed with me, and that fear drove me to try a whole bunch of things.  Try acting, directing, try writing, singing, composing, try running and jumping and try organising, leading, and eventually, about my final year of university,, I started getting award for Leadership and Determination (well, that’s what the award was in a nutshell, anyway) and it occurred to me that talents really do come in all shapes and sizes.  My talent had come in the form of being able to organise and be motivated to succeed.  That talent has helped me graciously in the other area’s that I am not the best at, because despite how confident I am in all other area’s I succeed most when I’m in my comfortable, organised zone.

I am fully aware that others around me, younger, older, etc. all find themselves lost in the way of talent.  I don’t think everyone has just one thing they’re good at, and that just contributes to how the world is unlimited and the possibilities are endless, but I am determined to continue searching for things I am good at.  It may not be the meaning of life, but it seems as though life becomes more enjoyable when I get more out of what I’m doing because I can do well at it.  So just keep doing things, don’t stop doing things just because you’re 38 and haven’t quite found the “one thing” you’re good at yet.  Jeez, what a pressure to find something so strict, so defined, as that golden agg of “one thing.”  Relax, you’re good at being you.

I’m so cheeseball today but in all reality I truly believe that as much as you look at yourself and think you’re not good at anything someone thinks you are, life is subjective, life defies definition, and that is such a wonderful, albeit confusing aspect of the un=tangible-ness of life.  I still wish I could be really good at making sand castles, or painting I’d love to be a fine artist, and yet other things have risen in my life that I’ve become better at.  What can ya do?

x

262

Day Two Hundred and Sixty-Two:  Kindness is Magic

Derek: Episode One.  Netflix Original by Ricky Gervais.

It’s always nice to see something beautifully crafted in an identifiable and flawless way.  Derek is set in a Nursing home, somewhere where we all have been, and Derek is the kindness in everyone.  Mindlessly charming and believably considerate I just finished watching the first episode and am having a hard time stopping just to write this.  I’m also crying, because one thing about this show that was surprising to me is that it doesn’t just warm your heart but it opens it even just a little bit. 

“I’m not clever or good looking but I am kind.”

It exposes the tiniest most important moments of life.  Have you ever said to someone that the little things count?  They do. The tiniest detail, the small surprises, despite how mundane or seemingly uneventful your days get it’s always the smallest details that keep momentum up in our lives.  I found that even in this first episode they took moments of small significance and magnified them.  I’m just so happy I started this.  Just hopefully I don’t cry through all seven episodes, but, no promises.

xo

261

Day Two Hundred and Sixty-One:  Listen to Kate Nash (I Hate Seagulls)

I dig simplicity.  Waking up and having a routine that I follow everyday, and then sticking to that routine, and then remaining indifferent when it changes.  A wise man once told me “Just go with the flow,” and I feel like this year is the first time I’ve actually truly done just that.  I mean, I still get a little buffed when I think I might be late, and a little stressed if things don’t go my way, but the simplicity of going with the flow has just sunk in for me, and you know what?  It really is great.

I mean, eventually when things get heavy and confusing and complicated it will become harder and harder to remain simple and “flow-y,” but for now, even with all of the things going on for me including an event and a full five courses and adjustments to reading and other things I feel like I’ve just dealt with it really well.  I’m tired sometimes, but who cares?  I’m 21 I feel like that comes with the job description.  Sometimes I drink too much coffee and end up not being able to sleep, but we all do that sometimes and isn’t that what our twenties are for?  To stay up late and get things done at one in the morning?

Life really is too short.  That sounds (and looks, now reading that over) so cliché.  It almost hurts me to keep it there, but it really is.  Life floats away from us, and sometimes we don’t notice it, and so why worry about the little things?  It’s hard not to, trust me I am the first person to tell you that stopping stress is near impossible, but it’s the way we deal with the things that come up in our lives that defines us as “flow-y” or not.  Take your life for what it is, and just go with it.  Smile a bit that’s always nice for you and other people, and don’t be so serious.

Gosh, life is grand.

x

256 (the lost and forgotten)

Day Two Hundred and Fifty-Six:  Unrest

Which will now be known as the day I forgot to post this entire post, for some unknown reason.

What is the cure for reading so much that you are completely drained at the end of the day?  No class on Friday’s yet I spend the whole day reading and end up just as tired if not more, my brain hrts, what is it with all of this studying and learning and book-learning that makes me want a glass of wine?  Does that mean I’m an adult?  I think it does.  I hope everyone is having a great start to the weekend.

Because let’s be honest, we deserve a break at the end of the week.  We go to class, we come home and do homework for that class, some of us work, some of us volunteer, some of us have relationships (not me ha-ha) and some of us spend a lot of time writing or applying to graduate schools in our free time (not to mention Netflix or drinking but those are a lot more fun than the other time-fillers through the week) and come the weekend us young student types would rather sleep and eat and be merry than do homework…  And yet, we do not get a break, really, at all.  Because if you are like me you will be spending the entire weekend preparing for next and the coming week’s classes.

So we don’t get a break really, only really a break from classes, and let’s be honest they aren’t as riveting or time consuming as we all make it out to be, it’s what we do at home over the weekend.  One would think that since we work nonstop all week that we’d get little breaks inbetween, maybe that’s a part of balance that I still need to amster…  Maybe it’s harder than just saying it.

X

260

Day Two Hundred and Sixty:  Day Tripper

I definitely need to start writDay Two Hundred and Sixty:  Day Tripper

I definitely need to start writing these earlier in the day.  Today was a good day, but it has been draining, as usual, and now I think I should sleep instead of writing too much but I thought I’d ponder for a minute on the passage of time and the ambiguity of the people around me on how they appreciate time.  I mean, I know that I myself find it hard to appreciate the time I am given for life because I spend it doing things, keeping busy, and maybe I could argue that those things are worth it and I fill my time with good things, but it seems to me that sometimes it all just slips away.  Why is it that time doesn’t come with a manual?  “How to use Time properly.”  I’d buy that, I’d buy that all over the place.  How does one use their time to the fullest?  What constitutes as “worthy” time fillers, exactly?  And are these things different for every person or is ….essentially….the meaning of life and how we should fill our life different for every person?  How confusing and peculiar and precarious life is, and time, and how fleeting it is and must be for us all.  But one thing I know for sure is that even during these busy days, weeks, etc. it is not worth it unless I enjoy it or am feeling needed.  Those are my two “essentials” when it comes to filling my time.  I hope you all filled your time today with lovely things, too.

xing these earlier in the day.  Today was a good day, but it has been draining, as usual, and now I think I should sleep instead of writing too much but I thought I’d ponder for a minute on the passage of time and the ambiguity of the people around me on how they appreciate time.  I mean, I know that I myself find it hard to appreciate the time I am given for life because I spend it doing things, keeping busy, and maybe I could argue that those things are worth it and I fill my time with good things, but it seems to me that sometimes it all just slips away.  Why is it that time doesn’t come with a manual?  “How to use Time properly.”  I’d buy that, I’d buy that all over the place.  How does one use their time to the fullest?  What constitutes as “worthy” time fillers, exactly?  And are these things different for every person or is ….essentially….the meaning of life and how we should fill our life different for every person?  How confusing and peculiar and precarious life is, and time, and how fleeting it is and must be for us all.  But one thing I know for sure is that even during these busy days, weeks, etc. it is not worth it unless I enjoy it or am feeling needed.  Those are my two “essentials” when it comes to filling my time.  I hope you all filled your time today with lovely things, too.

x

259

Day Two Hundred and Fifty-Nine:  Decisions.

Eye-openers, they say, are imparted on us by people we trust, or strangers, but mostly we can only come to them when we think and understand in our own time.  I would say a perfect eye-opener for me recently would be the decision to not put pressure on myself to volunteer constantly this semester.  It would make me incredibly busy, but also it would drag me down.  I know volunteering is supposed to be giving back to the community, and it does make me feel fulfilled and all, but it also is a huge time commitment, and despite what everyone might think us university students don’t have all of the time in the world.  Taking off that pressure of my time opened up some more time for me to be able to take things a little slower, and after a few weeks into the semester I do appreciate that decision.

The thing is we don’t always listen to the people we trust for advice, and that’s a silly thing sometimes, but again we all come to our own realisations in our own time.  At this point I have come to a few realisations, and despite what I might want or need in the long run I think they will be good for me to have realised now, instead of getting further away from my dreams, I guess.

Sometimes it’s better to come to these kinds of things on your own, though, because it comes to you in your own way in order to appreciate those decisions.  I sometimes think it would all be better if we knew our decisions beforehand and then worked backwards, figured out why we chose those things in order to understand more about ourselves.  But alas, life is more of a linear timeset, and we have to figure out who we are and what to do at the same time.  It doesn’t seem fair to me.

But I guess decisions are essentially search-based.  If you make the wrong decision it only tells you more about yourself.  I personally don’t believe in mistakes anymore, because eventually all of your mistakes contribute to your being, and add up to creating you as the you you are.  Are they so bad then?  I try to not focus on the negatives and sort of get the best out of life, it seems.  Glass half full, right?

So I’m going to make a decision tonight, and in that decision I will trust, because I trust that regardless if it is the right one for me or not it will contribute to my future and present self.  Can’t change the past, so you’ve got to be confident and stick with it.

x

258

Day Two Hundred and Fifty-Eight:  Something is off.

Undeniable evolutionary praying moments

Of time, it looks like time anyway

And so clasped hands, I guess, it was a moment all right.

At night, with us it was at night.  Our hands grasped

A grip behind our heads, in prayer we spoke together

For five minutes though, only five, in prayer.

Though worship is a silly thing, because I worship so little,

So few, so many people worship and I among them worship very little.

Is necessary?  Are we destined to worship to function as humanity

Develops around, in each and every silly moment, in every prayer,

Is there really a worshipping bone in our bodies?

Or do we grip each other’s fingertips in anticipation

Of a moment that is distilled with never coming,

Of continuously delaying its arrival so that when

We worship, or clasp hands, or close eyes and look inward

We are left alone, some omnipresent meditative state,

So when we speak those things in time of descent,

In times of clarity, of spirituality, of awakening,

In that monologue we find ourselves alone.

So prayer it seems is the most isolating of them all,

A moment of pure intent of self-ness, of one with one’s own,

Alone with your own, it would seem, among other worshipers,

And so why must we communicate so?

I too understand so little of what is above me, or below,

I assume a core akin to an apple, a burning juice below our feet,

So who worships what?  Do I look below for what I seek?

In the earth we must trust, and yet, I find myself…

Not looking down, or above, but inward, like any other,

Not searching for answers, or guidance, support,

But merely acknowledging that within myself I feel intent,

Want, curiosity, and crave experience.

So worshipping, in its truest form, seems to be honesty

For lack there a better time or place for it,

To be honest within prayer, “Prayer,”

Asking for something more than the superficial

Intents of common day mundane life,

As if bustling was not enough for us,

We seek something so much more,

Take this skin this pounding chest for

For…a grain, a grain in a vast world of other pleasures,

A twig among bold booming and blooming treasures,

We take our breaths as if they were just another on a long line,

No significance, but yet, we ask for more,

A reason, a purpose, a praying moment of experience, it seems.

Ah, worship, as if I would tell the moments I spend alone

With myself, in worship, of myself?  Is that not humanity

At its most purest form?  Honest to eachother:

And yet worshipping itself.

Promoting the human race, what is worth? What is life?

What are these questions?  Do we ask them within prayer?

We ask things as though the answer is just sitting there,

But it sits farther, you cannot search by sitting down,

And grasping,

The answers sit along a long road, that takes a lifetime it seems

And even then we don’t know,

So,

What it means to be alive? What it means to worship?

To take everything around like a grain, a twig, a breath,

Beyond importance, beyond intent,

Your two hands can build your life,

And with those hands you do what you can,

And give very little back.

x

257

Day Two Hundred and Fifty-Seven:  Hammer It Down.

I think often on what makes the people in my life different to me, and why they stick around, and it reminds me how grateful I am to have my handful of good quality friends, the people who hug me despite anything I’ve done, and the people who understand things that I don’t have to explain.  What I love about having friends in general is just the way you get to know eachother and how smart that is.  Learning eachother’s quirks andunique-ness through interactions, conversations at all times of the day, extraordinary circumstances and situations that together you get through and afterwords look back at those moments and smile and hold hands and recognise that within eachother you are super.  My friends reveal things about me, like that sometimes I’m good at jokes it just depends on who’s listening to them, and also that I can make mistakes and learn and people will understand that something about being a person is learning and growing around people.  Some people were sent to me just to reflect back my favourite things about myself and, alternatively, the worst, my least, just the things I do not like, but accept them because despite bad qualities I love my friends.  Despite awkwardness and silence, despite distance and time apart, I love my friends.  I have confidence in the love that I have with them, our relationships.  I don’t need to see someone everyday to trust in their support and love.

Isn’t it so fascinating that people become close though through interactions?  That you can become to close with someone between simple acts of speaking for hours about nothingness?  Or contemplating philosophical manners over tea?  Or something so uncomplicated as a walk?  I find the most revealing moments within my friendships have been over a walk, you find that there is an end eventually in sight but until then everything that could be told and revealed through a conversation is done so, the time period for such a conversation is stretched only to he end of that walk, and so it becomes in depth and more reflective and revealing as it goes on?  And even if you disagree your dreams and hopes and thoughts always become amplified, important, and almost more important to the other person because  within that conversation those things are revealed?  This happens only occasionally, but really, it is so interesting to me that between two people you can develop together into a relationship just over such simple things.

x

255

Day Two Hundred and Fifty-Five:  Shark Week is Over

Something about relaxing after a long week really gets to me.  Sitting across from someone so important in my life, eating an amazing meal, drinking sunny d and smiling because as hard as we say uni is, and how much we complain about lack of sleep and being overworked, it is an incredible time in our lives.  I’ve spent my week preparing myself and beginning a very heavy but uplifting semester, and as of tomorrow officially embarking onto my thesis, which will be interesting to say the least, and it is empowering to know that I am finally doing what I love.  I am learning the way that I want, and really enjoying myself in the process.

Now all I need is someone to share it with, right?

Wrong.

I’ve got great friends, a supportive and caring family, encouraging prof’s and a wonderful outlook that gets me by on my own.  All I need for this semester to go well now is maybe some flannel sheets and a new tea flavour.  And maybe some Doc Martens, because let’s be honest I’d appreciate some stylish comfortable dry footwear this winter.

It’s fall boys and girls, and it is FINALLY going to be proper weather conditions tomorrow, and I am spending the day reading and shopping and being surrounded by intruging things because that’s what is good for me.  I am at the very least happy in this moment.

And that makes it all worth it.

x

254

Day Two Hundred and Fifty-Four:  Behind

Remember first year?  And in September all there was was parties and going to movies and getting to know campus and everybody?  Remember second year?  When it was a little heavier in September but you still went downtown?  And Third year, in England where school was relatively easy-peasy so all you did was drink beers on rooftops and scamper about town?  Now bring you to present, Fourth Year, the big kid playground, and by golly, is it heavy.  I feel as though I am behind already, although we feel like this every year, it has happened so soon that I feel like I should be getting the hang of it soon.  Maybe it’s just everything outside of my coursework that is getting to me, since this blog is already slipping, as is some other aspects.  Balance, centre, stay balanced.

Staying positive, keeping relatively up with readings, and keeping social.  Tips for success in a heavy September?  Remember that there are four months left of this term and that in order to get by you’ve got to keep up not just veg on everything, and that there is a world outside of campus and your room.  Eat well, stay active, and start this routine now so that come November you will still be walking around the art galleries and going for brunch instead of feeling it pile on worse then (what am I saying, I will be knee-deep in Tech week and final play projects by then…) But still, it is important.  To me, anyway, and it works.

So I will not let this blog go!  I have the faith my friends!  Today is going to be a good day!  All is well!

x

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Day Two Hundred and Fifty-Three:  Bodies.

Bodies aren’t perfect.  I have had a hard time accepting this during the time in which I spend looking at tumblr photo’s, Vogue magazines, and other media that depict women (and men) as these perfect, beautiful figures that have no flaws, no arks no spots no nothing.  And I look at myself, and I spot my own imperfections. My lines, marks, spots, my fat my grease my own mysterious unfairness within my own being that shows in my mirror and is emphasized to me.  The way I see it we all dislike the way we look to some extent, and sometimes we can’t help that, and that’s okay. It’s okay to feel self conscious and it’s okay to feel ugly sometimes.

It’s not okay to believe it every moment of your life.  I feel confident regardless of what I look like because if I feel good then does it really matter?  Someone told me recently that I have a “magnetic personality” and will have no trouble finding someone to spend the rest of my life with.  I understand that physical attraction to appearance is important on a simple, surface level but if I’m spending a lot of time with someone it matters more to me if they find me a wonderful, smart, funny person, not so much if I have a thigh gap or if I have perfect hair (although those things would be lovely, right?).

I think what gets to us all is that feeling good and looking good go hand in hand sometimes.  If I’m wearing a new dress I feel like a hundred bucks, but if I’m wearing sweats out of the house I don’t want to see anyone I know.  It’s all a matter of how we feel, and if you feel comfortable with who you are as a person that will shine through, it sounds cheesy but sometimes that’s how life is.

Confidence makes it, I think, in my opinion.

x

252

Day Two Hundred and Fifty-Two:  Bright

Sometimes days are bright, and sometimes they aren’t, and sometimes they are so convoluted that you won’t be able to tell.  Today has been a bright day.  I didn’t think it was going to be, but it was.  I was nervous, and my heart was pounding for more than half of it, but it was bright and shiny and new.  Everything is still so sunshine-y, and it makes me wonder why I would do anything but what I am doing.  I am so extremely exhausted though, from the nerves and from the day, and I wonder if I should get into bed or watch another few episodes of How I Met Your Mother.  I think both will happen, with my water bottle and a smile, because my dear was this not a perfect day.  A day that made me feel so good about myself that it is worth gushing over for an entire post.  A day that ended with a good pint with a good friend.  A day that can be ruined by nothing, because now it is done.

Gosh, I love days.

x

251

Day Two Hundred and Fifty-One:  Just One of THOSE Days…

Yes, a fabulous one.  I’ve wanted to go to Canada’s Wonderland for a long time, and since my whole eye condition/surgeries I have no actually been allowed on rollercoasters.  But as of 2012 my surgeon gave me the go ahead, but I have had no time or obstacles have come up between me and this theme park, but not today.  No, today was the day where I ventured through the park, giggled, danced, screamed, and almost “ripped my pants” as only the kidlets who joined me will understand.  Today, today, today.

After a little bump in the road starting off (poor Maya couldn’t join us after all, unfortunately) we headed off and made our way there, highway after highway in my parents’ car, and after arriving found a “Tame” ride to start with for Judith who has been afraid of rollercoasters.  After that we carried through to some others, landing finally on the Behemoth, which used to be Canada’s largest coaster.  By far my favourite pre=lunch ride I giggled and screamed my way through that one.  We all found ourselves in need of a rest though, motion sickness had hit us all after speeding through so many rides.

So lunch came and went, and after our tummies settled we found the Vortex which was fabulous, such a great ride, and then the Bat which was my favourite other than LEVIATHON.  Which if I do say so myself, being Canada’ biggest rollercoaster, was amazing.  Longest wait of my life but I didn’t hold onto the gate infront of me but let my hands fly, as we all tried to, because man that ride was fast and huge and terrifying but so exciting.  I can actually still feel my head spinning.

Then funnel cake happened, and we tried to find the car, and got stuck in traffic, and laughed a lot  and know I’m back home anti-climactically sitting at my desk preparing for tomorrow’s classes.  Might have a small dinner later on but for now I am just basking in the afterglow of a fabulous day.  How lucky am I that I have such adventurous and supportive and fun friends?  What a friggen great day.

Now for this week, which will just be plain old school and rehearsal and attempting to use a slow cooker for the first time.  Little adventures I suppose, no?  I hope everyone has been enjoying a lovely Sunday, take care.

x

250

Day Two Hundred and Fifty:  Hope.

I don’t even think about growing up anymore.  I used to dream a lot about getting married and moving into a home and having a family, but I don’t anymore.  Is that sad or something?  It actually stopped quite recently, late enough as April, even, and I stopped because I was becoming delusional about some certain topic matter in particular (focused on one person or another, expectations that is) and it has helped me grasp reality, grasp the perspective of the “now” that I’ve learned so much about during meditation and yoga.  I now live in the “now” and the present and the certain moment, but it seems as though I’m having trouble sleeping with all of this.

See I used to dream about the future to get to sleep, to pacify myself enough that my life was going to be together eventually, that this whole plan I’m living will eventually work out into something socially acceptable and successful, and yet now I can’t look further than 25, realistically, and even then I have trouble because my wants are changing all of the time.  So, needless to say, I stick to travel dream to get me to sleep, because for me at this moment that is inevitable, as for my future…

I am unable to realistically orchestrate my future because I am unsure of what there is there.  It is unclear what I am supposed to be doing for the rest of my life, and sometimes that thought is unsettling.  Yes, I have insomnia, but sometimes just the realisation that I can’t control my future keeps me up at night.  What if I don’t get in everything I’d like to?  Am I at a loss if I don’t want to grow up?  What if I just want to live my life vagabonding around the world, spreading joy and soaking up perspective and grandeur? 

No, eventually I’m going to settle, somewhere, and eventually I will figure out what it is I am meant to be doing, and what I can do, and what else I should look forward at.  For now I must trust in the fact that that will come upon me eventually, and if we are always looking for that end product then we miss the things happening around us right now.  It’s raining out, and I’ve spent the day with family and on the move, I think I might settle into bed and watch some tv, as the rest of the weekend has itself written out.

I really am so lucky that I am so driven to be my own person, eh?

x

249

Day Two Hundred and Forty-Nine:  It’s About Time

It has come to my attention that a lot of people have written, in physical form, a bucketlist of some kind for the rest of their lives.  A “Bucket List” is a list full of things that you MUST do in your lifetime.  I view a Bucklist something like a list of things that I want to do to feel fulfilled, accomplished, and like I’ve done something for the world I will eventually be leaving behind.  Some people put a time restraint on these, but I fully believe in taking the rest of your life to live it.  So, it looks like today is my “Figuring out my Bucket List Day,” and so I have started this post before I even got dressed this morning, and am going to add to the list as the day goes on. 

Just to disclaim this list:  I want to add realistic things, and am capping it off at 50 for now.  Never limit yourself, unless you have uncontrollable limited time!

1.       See every province and territory in Canada

2.       Ride and climb through the mountains of Scotland

3.       Knit blankets for new born babies in the hospital

4.       Publish something

5.       Live in my own apartment for any given amount of time alone

6.       Visit Buton, the happiest place on earth

7.       Eat sushi on the floor in Japan

8.       Cook a Turkey dinner independently

9.       Work at the Edinborough Theatre Festival

10.   Own an exotic fish

11.   Fill an entire notebook with just poetry

12.   Buy my own kitchen table

13.   And couch

14.   Paint something onto a wall

15.   Make my own wine

16.   Learn how to ballroom dance

17.   Have an entire tea set

18.   Go whale watching

19.   Go to a UK football game

20.   Go on a Missions trip to Africa

21.   Eat at a place from Diners, Drive ins and Dives (is that what it’s called?)

22.   Stay up all night writing

23.   Go sailing

24.   Visit New Orleans

25.   Stand on a Broadway stage

26.   Work at Sick Kids

27.   Work at a desk where I can put pictures and decorate

28.   Play Cops and Robbers on Boselei Island, again

29.   Go snowshoing

30.   Visit India

31.   Buy a rug in Istanbul

32.   Live above something (a shop, restaurant, etc.)

33.   Own a Burberry coat

34.   Sing karaoke

35.   Learn Braille

36.   Feel accomplished and as if I have done something worth it.

So, not quite fifty, yet, but as it seems I have a lot of things to do.  Obviously I haven’t put all of the places I would like to travel, but sometimes you have to pick and choose realistically, and just reminding everyone this is one of those lists that is true for me now, maybe even two months from now it might change, but that’s probably why I haven’t written one before now…  My goals and ambitions are essentially similar, at my core my wants needs and values are eternally important to me, but what I want to do is allowed to change.  My opinions on things are allowed to change, it is just right now that these things are current and honest, and I love and hope each of them happens.

I hope you’re all having a lovely Friday evening, I’ve had a fantastic day.

x

248

Day Two Hundred and Forty-Eight:  Big Sigh of Relief

Does anyone else feel as though it got cold ridiculously quickly?  Almost too quickly…as if something mischievous and sneaky was in the air…  As if maybe this Christmas will be the Christmas to bring back snow on the day, or maybe this autumn will bring success to all studying people of the world, or the weather has just caught up with us all.  Whichever way I will not complain because it is the perfect kind of weather for me.  I on the other hand am growing more tired as the moments wear on.  Today was a stressful day and now that it is over I feel like cuddling in bed is the best and most efficient solution to the aches, pains, and tiredness that I am feeling.

This, my friends, is a good thing.

What could improve such a feeling as this tiredness?  Sleep, kind friends, sleep and knowing that I did my best.  Not in the kind of way where we all say that to ourselves after a failed test or other, but in a way that is comforting to know that best was what was had.  Oh, and it is all over now, so instead of dwelling on the past I embrace the feeling of having this experience and move on to tomorrow.

Tomorrow, Friday.  A sigh of relief.

There is something to be said about the comforting nature that is knowing you can do what s infront of you, what is before you, what waits ahead, and that feeling is occurring now, it seems, for me.

x

247

Day Two Hundred and Forty-Seven:  Newspapers or Something

On this the eve of my fourth year of university I feel a tad nostalgic, but at the same time anticipating the year to come.  So much is about to change, even more than the last year of my life, and it is becoming more clear my path and the way that I expect things to be.  I am struggling with expecting less and anticipating more change and surprise, but it is hard.  I want tomorrow to go a certain way, but when expecting things to happen comes disappointment, and I need tomorrow to be as smooth as possible for both my mental health as well as my positivity for the rest of this term.

So I embark on my journey into my final year of my undergrad with the thoughts and hopes that it will be successful, and creative, and exciting.  I hope I learn things that I would have otherwise overlooked, and meet new people.  I hope to spend time, quality time, with people that I love, and respect those moments for what they are.  If there’s one thing that I must remember for this term is that it will all turn out, in hindsight, life looks pretty good, after it all happens that is.

Cheers to one strong semester.

z

246

Day Two Hundred and Forty-Six:  Sweet Forgetful Nothings,

Being around people is one thing, but being alone is a different deal.  You have to be “on” around other people, or atleast I feel as though I do, and it is exhausting.  I love being around people, or one on one with someone, or taking time out of my day to be with other people, but I have a breaking point.  It’s not that I’m overstressing myself already in the term, it’s that my me-time hasn’t met capacity yet, I’m not full up on recharging yet, and so I put myself around other people and find myself lost in trying to compensate for not being fully charged and yet continuing to be on.  Thus brings me to why I started this:

Patience.

We all, to some extent, have some.  I have been developing more patience after this summer, and I have gritted my teeth and bared the pain that is dealing with things on short circuits.  I have little patience for certain aspects of life, but for now my patience is good enough, better than it has been.  But the thing about me is is that if I am stressed out, maxed out on perky-ness to say the least, my patience depletes, and I seriously just want to lay in bed and close my eyes with no stimulants, no headphones, no talking no nothing just lay there, alone, and remember why I wake up every morning.  That’s a personal thing, and I need that.  Maybe it’s selfish of me, maybe it shows that I am not ready to be in a relationship right now, but whatever it does do it does not give other people the right to tell me how to live my life and how to fix things. 

I am imperfect. I have complicated logic and complicated thoughts and dreams and wants and needs, and I do not take advice well.  I love support, but thoughts on the way that I deal with things are the biggest pet peeve that I have.  I don’t really want to know what you all think about my views on life and love, unless I ask.  That’s my own prerogative, and if you have fancy words to say to me about it go right ahead, I am lucky and have the patience and capacity to ignore most of that.

But if you are close to me, and I ask you for advice, that’s super bring it on, but if I am just venting to get it out of my system, leave it alone.  I will give you the advice that I have when you need it, but if I am nearing my maxed out “perky” capacity I just want to vent and get it all out. 

That being said I am proud of myself with the patience that I have developed, and for that I will end this on a positive note.  Lots of people in my life do not feel the need to enlighten me on how to live my life, and that’s great.  I understand that people say things because they care, and if I am struggling I will come forward and say it (in many words and stories, in fact) but for now, dears, I am actually okay.  I am ready for this audition Thursday, I am ready for coursework to roll in and to start developing my play further.  I hope that everyone who had class today enjoyed it (to some extent) and those who are embarking on their last days of summer to enjoy it as well, we only have summer once a year, you know.

x

245

Day Two Hundred and Forty-Five:  Hurricane Interest

I felt like writing a poem today but it didn’t end the way I wanted it to, so I’m still going to put it below this but I want to preface it with the fact that I haven’t written poetry in a while and I prefer non-cliché, non-rhyming, interesting tidbits not something that’s perfect.  Rule number one to poetry is never defend your work, actually that should be rule number one for all wrting, because if you write it it’s worth the time you’ve put into it already because it’s helped you some, and in my case every day that I write a post here puts me back on the path of not only writing routinely but to understanding myself and my relationship with writing.  So here is the kind of half-good poem I just wrote, and I hope you appreciate it for what it’s worth and not really the quality or anything, really, you don’t even have to read it I think I’ve said what I wanted to say.  I dig writing, good night.

They all talk of a blinding light

Or something like a sign, incandescent in time,

Set apart from those appearing in shadows

Or amongst the shelves, the choices, the loose leaf,

But no, that legendary artificial light only glows in its name,

Not for one not for all, a mock-biologique,

We all crave something genuine,

Organic and raw, it seems, but nothing so bright that we lose our way,

x

244

Day TwoHundred and Forty-Four:  Keep the Car Running

I’ve spent the past few days in my own little corner in this big house, my little niche, and I’ve come accustomed to the quiet.  To my little routine, to the view of the tree’s out my window, and it’s been nice.    There’s something about being settled that makes more sense than not, and that’s knowing where you’ll be for a foreseeable amount of time and being confident that that is not changing.  How comfortable it is to know that despite everything else around me that’s changing this one thing will stay the same.  For now the sun is bright and that’s what I will cling on to.

Today is my first official lazy day, had no planned plans, decided to recharge and go to the gym tomorrow instead, and to clean a little and recollect.  The past few days have been nonstop catching up, it will be nice to settle into not only this space but a routine eventually, soon.    Settling, it seems, takes getting used to.  After living out of suitcases it will eventually be nice to settle into a permanent dwelling, but until then I feel as though it will just be passing through, settling and picking up just as fast.  The dust behind me seems to never settle.

That’s something that interests me to an extent.  I love settling in at a place, to settle into a routine, to settle into being me, and yet once I get too comfortable something seems to appear missing again, and I continue searching to settle again.  That seems to be how life is now, “grown ups” just search for places to settle, ways to settle better than the last time, and with whom, and while they settle they find things wrong with what they’re doing to look to a new place to go.  It’s not that we take what we have for granted (well, sometimes) but for the most part it is just looking forward, moving forward. 

I guess what brought this on was while “settling” into this me, this version of me that is riddled with worry and busy-ness and forcing myself to take some time to relax and be rid of that busy-ness I am existentially involved, meaning that I worry that what I’m doing may not be what I want, or what I should be doing, but who has time for “should” anymore?  I just need a little more time to be comfortable with this, with all of this, I guess.

Good luck settling in, all.

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