266

Day Two Hundred and Sixty-Six:  Sexuality.

People seem to keep Sexuality all locked up within themselves along with who they vote for and what their spirituality, and maybe that’s only relevant to me because not everyone in my life lives in the liberal arts (as most of my friends at UoG do) and so I spend a lot of time pondering why this is.  Why is it awkward if I embrace the fact that I like men?  Is it relevant to anyone else?  I don’t find it important, really, because I’ve always said along with my spirituality that what I believe is not communal.  In my eyes spirituality is an individual thing, and to me sharing that with tons of people makes it less personal.  That’s only my opinion though.

But my sexuality affects other people.  It really does, I mean, friendships, family members, my future, as much as every other decision or impulse that I have like what to do after I graduate or if I prefer white or chocolate milk my sexuality affects that, and as much as I dislike that fact it is important to thinka bout.  I think I’m confused about sexuality and its relevance in general because we live in such an…..ambiguous?  Well, not a sexually ambiguous society that’s for sure, but we live in a very cautious society when it comes to sexuality.  Sometimes people are cautious about stepping on people’s toes, and other times they are cautious TO step on those toes, and sometimes I don’t care either way, I’d just appreciate some consideration and acceptance.

My sexuality is a part of who I am but like my disability, like my political stance, it only shapes me but does not define me.  It contributes to my definition, akin to Jessica: Noun, it only furthers the understanding that is me.  (Weird I referred to myself as Jessica there, odd. Strange. Bizarre).  What really gets to me is that our lives are dependent on this journey to “find ourselves.”  When are young we are told to “be who you are” and yet everyone struggles to even KNOW who they are, and then wise old people will say “you are too young to know who you are, but you will know..” ….  Will I?  Will I ever be able to say “Yup, this is me!”

Well, yes, I will, at a moment, but in all fairness people change.  I am a confident, stable being who believes in equality and trust and justice, but also is fun loving and caring and positive.  These things have been consistent throughout my life but I’ve not always been this way and I will not remain this way.  We change as our experiences change, so my traits are allowed to develop and grow, and so do things like my sexuality.

What I think people get bogged down with when they’re at these critical developing times is that we must find the things that define us.  Like I wrote about earlier this week finding a talent, but also finding out what we stand for and what we believe in, those are things that develop over time.  I always encourage people to have an opinion, but by golly your opinion is allowed to grow, to change, to be different and to be unique to you.  That’s what sexuality is.  I don’t define sexuality in black-and-white terms, but I do define it as something important to explore.

And not explore in the stereotypical “college experience” of sexuality, I literally mean explore.  Look at different people, feel different things, try things, try different relationships, conversations, communicate in different ways.  And not always in that “sexual” primal sex way, but in a relationship, go on dates, try online dating, try friendship, try anything figure out who you are.  These things could take years, I’m still on my search for what I want in life within the realm of my sexuality, and it is only a matter of further adventures within this realm until I figure it out.

What I’m trying to say is that I don’t believe in the notion of the “concrete-ness”  of self.  As humans we are given the ability to change, to grow to our exponential capacities and then stream up and out of the box.  Our boxes, those little ones that define us, are merely guidelines for our identities.  It may be a struggle, and a challenge, but I remind myself that everyone around me struggles with the same things, just in very different ways.

x