Day Two
Hundred and Fifty: Hope.
I don’t
even think about growing up anymore. I
used to dream a lot about getting married and moving into a home and having a
family, but I don’t anymore. Is that sad
or something? It actually stopped quite
recently, late enough as April, even, and I stopped because I was becoming
delusional about some certain topic matter in particular (focused on one person
or another, expectations that is) and it has helped me grasp reality, grasp the
perspective of the “now” that I’ve learned so much about during meditation and
yoga. I now live in the “now” and the
present and the certain moment, but it seems as though I’m having trouble
sleeping with all of this.
See I used
to dream about the future to get to sleep, to pacify myself enough that my life
was going to be together eventually, that this whole plan I’m living will
eventually work out into something socially acceptable and successful, and yet
now I can’t look further than 25, realistically, and even then I have trouble
because my wants are changing all of the time.
So, needless to say, I stick to travel dream to get me to sleep, because
for me at this moment that is inevitable, as for my future…
I am unable
to realistically orchestrate my future because I am unsure of what there is
there. It is unclear what I am supposed
to be doing for the rest of my life, and sometimes that thought is unsettling. Yes, I have insomnia, but sometimes just the
realisation that I can’t control my future keeps me up at night. What if I don’t get in everything I’d like
to? Am I at a loss if I don’t want to
grow up? What if I just want to live my
life vagabonding around the world, spreading joy and soaking up perspective and
grandeur?
No,
eventually I’m going to settle, somewhere, and eventually I will figure out
what it is I am meant to be doing, and what I can do, and what else I should
look forward at. For now I must trust in
the fact that that will come upon me eventually, and if we are always looking
for that end product then we miss the things happening around us right
now. It’s raining out, and I’ve spent
the day with family and on the move, I think I might settle into bed and watch
some tv, as the rest of the weekend has itself written out.
I really am
so lucky that I am so driven to be my own person, eh?
x
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