Thirty One!

Day Thirty-One:  Hasn’t Hit Me Yet

As I walked to campus today I had to cross the half-muddy, half-snowy glory that was Johnston green.  It was blistering, windy, flurries, freezing, and all kinds of other Weatherly notions that happened today.  It was not yet bright and sunny, but at this point I couldn’t see the campus that I was walking towards, only the faint mudprints from the day before that were now freezing under my feet.  I had forgotten my mittens, and so I had my hands inside my jacket sleeves.  I had my large headphones on and my hood up, and I was smiling.  It was in that moment that I breathed in that absolute frigid gust of air, and let it fill my lungs.  I let go of everything at that moment.

And I let it.  I have troubles letting go of things sometimes, letting myself relax or not worry, but this morning everything left very easily.  It was less of me trying and more just accepting that things were the way they were.  Today was going to be a long busy day, and I ended up focusing in every class, not daydreaming, not talking during class, but focusing in and understanding.  It was an overly productive class day.  I felt like talking for the first time in a week and a half, I felt like hugging everyone, and laughing.  I felt like laughing.  I did feel like crying a bit, but laughing it was and laughing it will be.

I still have a bit of work to do this evening, but not too much as I’m spreading it out for tomorrow evening as well.  I have to go into work tomorrow all day, which will be long but nice to see everyone and get things done all in one go.  I had a goal earlier this week to go out and meet new people, but things just got away from me.  That’s where the frustrations got to me I think:  I expected something and it didn’t happen.  I fell in love with a Strindberg play instead, so much so that I’m formulating my final project around it.  He was absolutely crazy, I tell you, brilliant but so nuts.  I like crazy things sometimes.

I’m going to just keep reminding myself of how it felt this morning letting things go.  Letting all of the everythings around me disappear, fade away, all of the everythings the thoughts and the memories, the memories. Damnit, are killing me.  I am letting those memories go for now, and focusing in on what it means to breathe again.  What it means to have a clear head again, and think thoughtfully, and intentionally, slowly, purposefully, again.  It’s been an interesting week to say the least, for my mind space.  It’s been a very lonely, very isolating, mind space week.  I’m determined to change that.

Because when the going gets tough we don’t just shut down on ourselves.  We pick ourselves up again and encourage them, challenge them to do better next time.  Who was I saying that I am my worst competitor?  And my best competitor?  The one I am going against in the world is myself?  And sometimes, just sometimes, I let myself win, but for the most part I’ve got gritted teeth and am telling it to “eff right off” and to “get er done.”  That’s me, just battling all things Jessie again.  I would rather be a fighter than a passive-sitter.  I stand up and get things done, but I am going to try to not sacrifice my sanity next week. 

Nurture, not dismiss.  I think that might only make sense to me, but that’s okay right now.

As for February… That’s tomorrow.  Usually I do my 365 projects I do February as “WRITING MONTH,” in other words there won’t be any blabbering posts, but more poetry, short anectdotes, essays, that kind of thing, for the next twenty eight days.  It is a lot more of a challenge for me I tell you, especially with everything that’s going on in the next two weeks, but I am going to make it a release.  Now that I’m actually enjoying my classes it would be nice toe enjoy my personal life too.  Imagine that, actually enjoying yourself outside of school time, that sounds like a myth to me right now.

Hopefully tonight is full of lots of coffee and good movies for not just me but you too.  And if it isn’t, then well maybe tomorrow night, or later on this weekend.  Every evening should be full of wine, good food, people, and of course, coffee.

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