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Day Two Hundred and Eleven:  Just realised I’ve been numbering wrong…again

That beautiful moment when you finish doing the wash and the sheets are back on your bed and your window is open to let the rainy-breeze in, the sound of not still air but air in motion:  a fan, passing cars, the wind, your breathing… Whatever it might be something is moving, and when that moment occurs it’s lovely to take one of those deep breaths, you know the kind that you take after you’ve been breathing shallow-like for the day, and things quiet down, and you’re alone with your own thoughts and heart beat and space.  It’s these moments that can be argued as the reason and meaning of life. 

We work so hard, and for what?  We go to work to get satisfaction in some way.  To get paid, to help people, to become famous or successful, to learn more, to impress someone else, but in reality when we come home and shut it all off what is it all for?    What is the point without a goal, without a light at the end or part way?  What is the deal if you can’t enjoy it?  Who cares if you have all of the money in the world but you hate everything that got you there? I might just be full of hot air, but one thing I know about my future is that I wil enjoy it.

You know what’s kind of stupid though?  Why do I keep saying “my future”?  Why?  Why am I not allowed to enjoy it now?  “When I grow up I want to be happy” okay well, why can’t I be happy now?  I understand things grow, and feelings grow and relationships and knowledge and everything else that comes with life but what is it with everyone putting off happiness lately?  You don’t have to wait for the rest of your life to make an impact on someone, you can do that already right now in your position, so make that impact on yourself.

I have this beautiful meditation book about taking care of yourself, and it reminds me often that in order to take care of myself I have to treat myself like I would treat my best friend.  And to an extent Ceara I do believe that I coddle you sometimes, I take the best out of situations and make sure that despite what I really think that what I say to you is what you need to hear at that moment, but…why don’t I do that for myself?  Why don’t I focus and highlight the positives like I would to you?  Or to my sister or AJ, why can’t I just take those momento’s of part-truth, part-bad hoest cop, part-love and hugs to myself?  Why am I constantly second guessing my whole…well, everything?

I think what’s getting in the way of my struggle (and has been since I realised that I need to take care of myself) is that I intend to lend myself to other people so that they are happy, and my own happiness kind of gets influenced by the happiness of others.  This is to an extent, but happiness is relative. What makes you happy doesn’t make me happy in the same way at all, and that’s something a lot of advice givers forget.  I usually keep my mouth shut on advice because I don’t usually know the exact position or situation that people are in, but I totally lend an ear and some kind of reassurance, because if there’s one thing I know I have is the intentions for happiness for others.  So I pledge to take this into myself, and apply it to me. I have the best intentions for myself, I will be more positive and relax more when it comes to perfection. 

There are no mistakes, only incidences where we can learn and grow.  I’m a cheeseball today, but atleast I make sense.

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