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Day One Hundred and Eighty Nine:  Knowing Who You Are

It’s the meaning of life, what we all search for…”self.”  A sense of self, when we pass a certain age our one goal in life is to “figure out who we are” and by no means do we find it.  I may only be twenty-one, but a merely twenty years here has led me to believe that although we want to so desperately, and we search and try, we will never understand ourselves.  We will never know a stable “self.”

I realised this, and then felt relief.  How great is it to trust that there really is no one time that I am going to be…”me.”  I will just continue to be satisfied with being, just being, and to live day to day in the actions and choices that I make and although in the back of my mind I will always be looking for that mirrored reflection of self I know that I will always be searching for a nonexistent perfection.  A portrayal of myself that exists only in my head, and that what I should be searching for is the right words to say, the right way to go, and less about…well, just me.

Just be.  Just be just be.  My mom used to quote Genie and say Just bee yourself!”  And really, it’s great advice.  Just be.  You are yourself, if you are not yourself than I would venture to say that you are yourself just have changed.  It’s funny when people say you have changed and aren’t yourself, but that’s essentially it.  People change.  No one is one self for too long.  I heard that you change your personality completely every seven years on average, which is fascinating to me.  I can’t wait to continue changing, I think it makes me a better person.

I think amidst all of the busy-ness and the mystery that is my life at the moment I have come to appreciate the sole space of my mind.  The pieces of it that go here, the pieces I share with others, and the pieces that I keep for myself.  The dreams, fantasties, fascinations, that don’t make it to this page but stay cooped up in a back drawyer waiting for a time to be pulled out to play.  I desperately want to start learning anthropology because humans fascinate me in general.

I’ve had a hectic weekend and day of introspective self-awareness and overthinking.  I think I need to take a step back from my life and take my own advice:  Take the risk.  It will be worth it if not for the outcome but for the journey, and if nothing else will contribute to my ever flowing happiness (ha-ha) and my powerful search for self… ha-ha, yet again.

xa