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Day One Hundred Ten:  But Baby It’s Cold Outside (Again!)

I’ve written about a bunch of things here, about university and life and school, my eyes and work and my family, the hardships I’ve gone through with all of these things, and yet I have sort of skipped over my relationships romantically all together, and I’m debating..opening it up.  It’s hard to talk about because I am learning that the more I think I am a great lady, I’m not.  Not so much.  When it comes to men I think I know a lot and in reality know very little.

I would love to say that I am a fabulous girlfriend, and yet I sort of get the impression that after a while the novelty wears off and I’m not so great anymore.  I’m impatient, and demanding and selfish.  When I warn people that I’m a handful it isn’t a light warning it comes with weight, the weight that I don’t make a lot of sense to myself.  Why do I shy away?  I don’t know, I get nervous, what if I do something wrong?  Why do I have a hard time trusting people?  Well right now it’s not hard, but on a regular basis it becomes harder to trust people and men in particular because I feel like I might be doing something wrong.

So I spoke in my last post that four months ago I came home and had only realised how I wanted to be but had not acted on it.  At this point I knew that I wanted, and needed, to be single.  As of right now that still stands, if not with more understanding having been single for some time now and am trying to really grasp what I want from this chapter of my life.  Is college really about experimentation?  Or is that a myth they encouraged in the nineties to make their slutty bi-curious asses feel better?  I’d venture to say that the college experience isn’t about experimenting with our sexuality as much as it is experimenting with yourself.

In elementary school I realised that I liked boys, that they were nice to talk with about certain things and that girls didn’t like that I could talk to boys. In highschool I realised that (I LOVE MY GIRLFRIENDS FROM HIGHSCHOOL…don’t get me wrong –Nik, Zo) but I got along a lot better with boys, I graduated with a close group of five guy best friends where there were few females (three?  But in all reality how many people in this group still stand..again, my fault).  In university I have come, after two years of perpetual longing to have the validation of someone else get me through this hard time (romantically) I have come to find that for now I can be alone and be fine.  Do I still need someone from time to time?  Maybe I want that, but I don’t need it.

I’m not an expert on any of this obviously, but it’s really been bothering me lately.  What do I do to get myself like this?  I assume from the start that I will ruin things and set myself up for the disaster months before it appears on the horizon.  How do I fix this?  How do I take this anxiety of failure away?  How can I stop myself from constantly being nervous about being with someone else?

I am going to try and make it clear while I am single on the boundaries, limits, and the things that I want from life are clear to me when I go into situations that are likely to make me nervous.  I am very self-aware for the most part when it comes to what I want with my future, and to be honest I’m in several fantastic relationships with my close friends and family that have really grown this past year and I wouldn’t change the time, energy, and emotion I’ve put into those relationships for anything because these are the people who have not left my life and are the most important.

I think I need to get into a relationship with myself.  How friggen corny is that?  I need to take care of myself as I would with someone else.  That’s what I used to write my co-dependence off as:  “Oh I just like to care for someone else,” in reality I just wanted someone to tell me that I wasn’t crazy, I’m not a handful, that I was beautiful and they loved me.  You know what’s just great though?  I can convince myself of those things on my own or with the help of the people already around me.  I am starting to think that the next time I am in a relationship it needs to fit perfectly into that circle or completely smash it, one of the other.  Either way it will only be beneficial and a move forward.

This is my time to really get at what I want, I guess, and there’s no expiry date on this confusing, explorative time.  I don’t mean exporing other people or anything like that, I mean it in the sense of exploring what I want what it is I want to do with my life what I want to see.  I am in touch with that, but maybe I need to go a step further.  I need to make plans, I need a plan.  I make a list for every single thing in my life but hat my concrete plans are, maybe it’s time. 

I guess I’ll have to cuddle myself to sleep tonight, I deserve it.  I guess I should apologise to everyone I’ve dated, been involved with, etc. for being such a basket case, and for not treating any of you the way that you most likely deserve.  I guess what this post is about is becoming a better person, so that some day when I’m ready I can share the things I love and my thoughts idea’s and plans with someone, and not end up hurting them in the end.

A girl can only rely on her own utility belt to fix this kind of problem, I think.

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