Day Ninety
One: Relationships
I have involuntarily
decided to write this week on my relationship with university, creativity, and
working academically. It has gotten me thinking about how I am drivn to do the
work that needs to get done for my coursework, and although I’d love to provide
somekey element to my motivation I cannot.
Especially at the moment where everything associated with motivation
escapes me, but also in the grand scheme of a semester. How do I write a paper in one night? How do I have a schedule for my
readings? I just do it, it comes from
somewhere, but I’m not sure where.
Not being
in a creative-based degree (for English anyway, theatre there is a bit more leniency)
I find myself trying to be creative at every moment that I can. The following link is to a particularly
interesting TedTalks on inner creativity, it got me thinking of things today.
I want to
say that for the most part I agree with her, that creativity comes from
inspiration that I don’t experience elsewhere, but I do not go looking for it
somewhere. When writing a poem or a
script I look inside myself, I look for that thundering something to pass
through me and it does. That’s something
I’ve been warming up to within Yoga: to
look for answers in myself.
But
academically I have to just accept that I put in the effort, I show up, and
sometimes the rest follows and other times it’s tardy. If I am stuck on idea’s I go for a walk and
the fresh air clears my thoughts. This
works for other things too but most productively helps with focus and clarity
when it comes to academic things. I have
to be open to the fresh air clearing my head, but if I let it it just all
becomes clear. Those moments are the
best kind, because I finally feel smart, and that’s been happening a lot this
semester.
So what is
so good about all of this? I think it’s
the realisation of what helps and having strategies, and not hating what I am
working on. Projects are meant to be
enjoyed for the most part and so letting myself enjoy them is key for me to
feel like I’m doing well. I love
learning, but sometimes I feel so oppressed in this institution because I am
not usually complimented on the way that I learn, or allowed to show that in a
natural way. Presentations? Practicals?
I can do it. It’s the writing
bit, the part that I even enjoy, that gets me down.
And I know
that, accept it, and move on. I love the
learning, I do actually enjoy the classes, the discussions, because there is
opportunity to let creativity in, to let idea’s form and develop, but it’s
something about the way when it comes to projects that I have to organise the
idea’s on the shelves of my mind and allow that fresh air to pick and choose
what order, and how to word things. It’s
very magical, I wish things worked like that before my eyes and not in my
head. There are a lot of things I wish
worked in such a way.
I was
hoping this would come out so much more profound and intelligent, but it came
out the way I’d write a paper: sort of
half as good as I’d wanted. But what can
I do? This is me, and half the battle is
accepting who you are and loving you anyway.
x
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