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Day Two Hundred and Thirty-Two:  Never Going Back, Again.

  Today was a difficult day.  I had to watch a handful of very important people in my life hurt, and I couldn’t do anything to help but be there.  I was hurting too, of course, but more importantly they were, and I talk a lot about pain, about overcoming it and dealing with it, but it’s almost impossible to do anything to help someone who is in pain other than to support them.  Today was one of the only days in my entire life I have seen my grandfather cry, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned from this side of the family it has been strength.  Be strong enough to hold yourself up, but also to hold others while you yourself tremble.  If I were a preacher…or then again, no.

If I could take something away from today it would be strength.  Familial strength, the strong bond of friendship and relationships, and the strength to have a voice, but most importantly the strength to stay true to myself.  It’s one thing to believe in something or someone, it’s another to express that support, that belief, and in my opinion taking a deep breath and going for it is better than abstaining.  I’ve held many hands today, and I’ve felt many emotions in a variety of different ways, but most of all I have put myself out there, and tried my best, and it continues until tomorrow and then I can relax a little.

I think individuation as a concept is kind of stupid.  I learned about it in twelfth grade English class while studying Jung and the connection and validation of your two halves as a person as seen through your relationships with other people.  In order to become a whole complete person you have to find your best and worst qualities within the people around you.  I’ve kind of thought it was stupid, but lately it’s become more relevant to me.  Being a yogi I believe in finding most of what I need from within myself, inner peace, inner satisfaction, but tobe completely honest I get everything from others.  Strength from my support system, validation from my closest friends’ approvals, so much comes from other people that I am having a crisis of faith here:  Do I continue to believe that I myself am the instigator for all of mwhat I am, or do I give in and accept that in order to be complete I must accept others?

Can I be both?  I cannot please everything or everybody, and it seems that after this morning’ I have become very…unsettled, considering faith.  Do I have to only believe in one thing, if I believe in anything at all?  The funeral set people at peace, sure, but it didn’t allow me to be at peace.  I needed to see a smile again in order to be…complete.  Can I believe in inner peace and in the relationship I have in others?  I think so, but do I really need to justify it to anyone?

I think I am struggling with justifying it to myself, and that’s something I believe in.  I believe in trusting in what I think, and when I do not know what I think it gets a little messy.  What I can say for sure is that as long as I believe in the strength that I am capable of iexternal variables don’t really matter to me, as long as I am okay with that.

Gz