I don’t think I am depressed, but I don’t
think I am happy with myself either. I
have had a good summer, a great one, with amazing people and amazing kids and I
love my job and I love the adventures that I have had, but something seems
off. Isn’t it funny that every once in a
while like clockwork something just goes off?
I can’t put my finger on it just yet, but it will come to me I am sure
of it, eventually. For now I just have
to use this utility belt I always talk about, to stitch up the mental space
that I have, a quick fix, so that eventually it will all get better.
I have my
meditation book beside my bed waiting for me, and I know that if I get back
into my yoga morning routine it will benefit me positively, but it’’s getting
there that’s getting to me. Great
intentions don’t always equal Great results, and at this point I have no energy
for it. Wouldn’t it be grand if we all
just had a magic wand, a utility belt, a snap of the fingers and things were
just…better? Life isn’t the fairy tale
that I had Great Expectations for when I was young.
So what do
I do then? How do I put myself back
together for the greater good How do I
do this? Well, first thing I’ve learned
is that I have to do it on my own in my own time. I ask for advice and support occaisionally
but I am well aware that I do this on my own.
Next, with a great emphasis, I need to do it on my own time. My OWN time.
I can’t have people judging me for how long it takes me to be okay with
a relationship, or getting serious with someone. In my favourite movie St. Elmo’s Fire Lesley
doesn’t want to get married to her long time boyfriend Alec because she wants
to make something for herself first.
They move in together, but they have just graduated from college and It’s
not her time yet, and he gets impatient.
I can’t have that, from anyone in my life, or I just get too…bothered. I want to work it out for me, for me and what
I want.
So this is
an open apology to those who are affected by my decisions (whoever lets it
bother them, the things that I need) that I am so sorry that I have hurt you
because of the things that I need in my life.
I make these decisions in an informed manner but as my last few posts
here have spoken out about I don’t always know if I am right. I can’t take back those decisions, but they
are my own. I am ready to do this my
way, I just need the support is all.
Thanks,
x
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