Day Two Hundred
and Thirteen: Nesting
I cannot
keep track of how many blogs I am behind on, and the math is overwhelming for
this morning so I plan on just writing a few and then doing all of the
calculations later. That seems to be the
way I live my life right now: take on a
lot and then evaluate how it affects my life.
I have a hard time determining what might be good for me before I take
part in it. Maybe this is something I
should be working on this year.
At the
beginning of this year I said my word for 2013 was “Burturing” and I think I
have gone beyond what I thought that word meant. Nurturing myself, yes, is one thing,
nurturing my relationships with the people that matter in my life, sure, okay,
nurturing other things? What about
balance? What about thought control and
pleasure in my work? What about the way
I feel about everything in general? I
feel as though I have forgotten maybe not who I am, but who I was. Something about growing up is that learning
from the past is inevitable, or it is in my opinion, and letting go of things
is one thing but taking the lesson from those things is another.
New
experiences dictate what goes on in my life at the moment, and I have been on a
few coaster rides this summer already with new things to experience, and yes
they have been nice, but what about those good old days where I could sit in my
pajama’s and not feel as though I was wasting an entire day watching say Sex
and the City or Harry Potter? I have to
get up, make a healthy breakfast and go for a walk before noon to even feel
like I’ve done anything. What is it
about growing up that makes you…well, nuts?
We always
joke about the teenage years as the most unstable, horomonal, energized years
of our lives where everything was so heightened and out of this world,
everything was life or death every decision you made hung in the balance of the
rest of you life. Every person you “dated”
was going to marry you, and your friends were your besties until the day you
died. Well, most of the boys I “dated”
in highschool have long since past my attention span, and I talk to a total of
four people from my highschool group of friends. But the thing is, the insanity, the confusion
and mindswept overwhelming sense of not really knowing anything has continued,
lingered, overstayed its welcome in my now twenty-something years. The truth is, I am nearing my 22nd
birthday (well, five months is nearing, right?) and I feel as though I haven’t
grown.
Maybe that’s
too sharp of a statement, because even just part of me has grown and that is an
improvement, and I will never say I was not proud of the girl I was in
highschool because by golly I worked my ass off and was half blind for all of
it let alone the last year of absolute darkness. But I made so many mistakes that sometimes I
think that I don’t exactly regre the girl I was, but rather I am happy it
happened then when everyone else was going through a similar adjustment period
to the horomones and the emotions and the life changing events… Or maybe those events were just me, sometimes
the whole blind thing escapes me.
I guess I
have grown, and that is a fabulous thing, and I am fabulous now as I have been
my whole life, but one thing that I kind of get confused at is I always say “When
I grow up I want to be…” da-ta-da-ta-da, but in reality, I am constantly
growing up. Right now is twenty years
after I first said that sentence, and in my opinion that is enough growing up
to have achieved a handful of the goals that I wanted. Now, when I was little I wanted to be a
marine biologist who lived on the coast, but I have been whale watching, and I
have been in many oceans, and it feels good to look back and say “Yep that was
me, those were my thoughts, and this is me now, and I am me now because of the
me then, and that’s something that I may have to deal with for the rest of my
life, but atleast it happened. Atleast
the old me is now just me.”
I think I’m
going to continue this conversation in the next post, but it just all is
seeming to make sense now.
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