Sixty Two!

Day Sixty-Two:  I have a thing for ceilings

For the past month I’ve been trapped by the freedom of creativity, and now I feel like I’ve been enlightened and released from it.  Not just because the month of February ended, but because I let myself let go of the pressure of creating everyday and just creating for myself.  That’s why I write here, that’s why I write poetry, that’s why I’m in English (I sometimes don’t think that is true) and that’s why I live the way I do.  I like having the freedom to say and do things adventurously, and that despite all of the things that go on around me I stay true to those things.

I haven’t always made the best decisions.  The past week I’ve been focusing on those things that when I was younger and in highschool I thought were funny things to say and do, or even in my first year I thought that I was so clever, so honest and brilliant the things I’d say and do, so fabulous.  I think that’s one of those unstable words, fabulous, because obviously over the past seven years I’ve changed what I thought being fabulous meant.  I don’t regre the things I have done because those things have formed the person I am today, and I still think that today I make stupid, immature, uneducated, silly decisions that lead me to harder consequences than in highschool, but will eventually lead me to learning more about myself and the world around me.

Do you think people would think of me differently if they knew all about the intricacies of my condition?  If they knew that I feel uncomfortable when meeting new people, and yet one of the best friends I’ve ever had is someone I made the first move to meet out of absolutely nowhere after I came to university?  I don’t regre the risks I’ve taken, the many times I’ve jumped off that cliff of the unknown not expecting anything but hurt loss and pain at the bottom, because those times have contributed to the absolute sincerity of my love of just being.  You cannot live without taking risks, I don’t understand it really, but it’s  the way it is for me.

Ever since I was a wee girl I’ve loved this song Brian Wilson by the BareNaked Ladies, and lately I’ve been listening to my nineties music because it’s brought me to that innocent time in my life where I would air guitar infront of my Aladdin poster or write short stories at the wooden desk beside my dad watching Nascar.  I remember my innocence, the less I knew about the world the more apt I wa to let myself be vulnerable and create.  I remember in sixth grade I was beginning to form this personality that is very public now but at the time was reserved for only my closest of friends and teachers (I was an odd adolescent) and I wrote this ten page story about a girl going to private dance school and printed it off in purple ink and let my teacher read it.  She told me I had detailed writing.  Now, I don’t ever print in colour anymore, but I have not lost the ability to let my work be seen (obviously) and I am trying to be incredibly open about it so that I can encourage others to do the same.

That’s one of the reasons that I love knowing so many incredible people.  Eeryone create, and goes on adventures, and experiences things, and it encourages me to do the same.  Maybe my adventures are smaller in scale than Amy who’s currently living in New Zealand, but I am adventuring none-the-less.  As the Monday Blues approach I want to just re-iterate  the growing theme throughout this post:  Creating is good.  Vulnerability is great.  Taking risks is how we ended up with electricity and this beautiful country, so why not be innovative and adventurous?  What do you have to lose?  Just jump off the cliff.

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