Sixty Four

Day Sixty-Four:  You should

Something that I’ve been struggling with in my own life is these things that I like to call “should” statements.  The art of thinking that someone “should” do something, or enforcing my idea of what someone should do on someone else without really thinking.  I continue to struggle with these thoughts and statements as I am relatively opinionated.  Something I’ve learned over the past two years however is when these “should” statements are necessary in my life, the people around me’s life, and within my academics. 

When things get stressful I have the tendency to assume that I “should” stay up later, “should” work harder and longer on an assignment, “should” force myself to spend money and time  with people just to keep myself from being isolated.  Despite the fact that some of these things may be untrue, I convince myself of them regardless.  I have been trying to help myself move from the “should” statements to the “could” statements.  For example:  When I don’t sleep I feel unfocused and overwhelmed when really things are okay.  I could go to bed earlier, or try a different tactic.  I have been trying to stay away from the “should”’s because despite whatever anyone tells me I somehow convince myself that whatever I say I should do I should do.  This, however, is mainly only applicable when I am telling myself these “should” statements.

On the other hand, unless I have explicitly asked for advice on certain things, receiving a “should” statement harnesses a negative, shut-down environment for me when these statements are coming from other people.  The thing that we all forget is that we are all human, we all are dealing with stresses and complications and all kinds of things that are very real for us but in reality not everyone knows the best way to deal with them.  I don’t know how to deal with some of the things that my friends have approached me with, and in my case I find it incredibly unhelpful to give them uneducated advice on a whim, or a “should” statement in order to just say something.  In return, I appreciate support, but not always advice.

Maybe this has become such a big thing for me right now because I am dealing with a ton of things, things that should be easy to deal with.  Look at me right there, another “should” statement.  In reality, I’ve never experienced these issues before this very moment, so I cannot have any idea how to cope, and therefore will ask advice when I need it.  For now, I am struggling to stay afloat within these March days in order to really understand what’s going on within my life.

We talked a lot in class today about this play we are reading and how everyone thinks it is boring because nothing really happens in it, the characters just sit around and complain.  It reminded me of the tv show GIRLS, because nothing really happens to the characters their exchanges and situations all emerge from their whining and bitching about their lives.  That’s the reality of life:  most of it is spent complaining.  I complain, probably too much but I’m doing better (I think) but it’s natural and in my opinion healthy.  I don’t think it’s healthy to constantly feel positive about everything every single moment of the day, but to respond to things in a positive way.

I don’t vent a lot on this blog because when I vent I get very negative and only allow a handful of my true friends see that side of dark, brooding bs that I hide away from the general public.  It’s not that I don’t trust everyone, but the thoughts and musings that happen when I’m at my lowest negativity really propels me either further into or away from my depression.  If I don’t talk to you about it don’t think I don’t love you any less, it’s just that it’s heavy.  I acknowledge every day of my life that I am a handful, but I am more thankful for the people who put up with me than I think they know.

All I’m trying to say is that what’s best for you and your situation is not necessarily what’s best for others.  When advising people around me or providing support I try to think from my perspective.  For example:  “I can imagine how you’re feeling but I really don’t know what to say to help you.  I’m here, I like your face.”  But really how helpful is that?  I feel useless every day, and it’s only a matter of time before everyone realises that as supportive and helpful I may seem I need just as much support back.  I’m just tring to emphasize that what I need in my supporting is different from what the people around me need.  It’s a matter of balance, and trust, and love, and a sprinkling of other gummy Hallmark expressions.

I just live everyday really hoping and working to be a better version of me for everyone else around me so that when I’m old and knitting blankies for little babies and grand babies and having tea on my front porch I’ll be sitting beside people who know me for the person that I am, not for the way I look or the things I didn’t do. 

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