Sixty Six

Day Sixty-Six:  Spaces

I am home for the next few days in my parents’ house and a few weeks ago I wrote a post about wanting to be the stereotypical assumption of what a teenager would be, what a university student would be, and after returning back to my room that I inhabit in the summer I feel at home again.   At school right now I am having this issue that my room doesn’t feel like it’s really my own yet.  Right here, on my big cosy bed is my lovely sheets amidst all of my magazines and research materials I feel more at home than sitting at my desk surrounded by all of my things at school.  Why?  I don’t know.  I just feel very cosy right now, it’s a good feeling to be comfortable within your own skin, within your surroundings, and I crave for that feeling wherever I go.

I’ve not had that feeling everywhere I’ve gone for example when I was travelling I felt uncomfortable in places that I was unfamiliar with for a short period of time.  I’ve been in Gueloh for three years and there’s something about it that just doesn’t feel the same.  I love Guelph, and it’s beautiful and wonderful and has amazing people.  I think it’s about time I started forming my own space for real, not a transient, passing-through space, but a stamp.  A mark.  A home that I will stay in for a little while.

I crave that kind of space.  A space that remains stable and cosy no matter how many times I pass through the door.  A space that I don’t have to constantly move things and belongings in and out of.  I want a space that is grown up but has the potential to be a creative open space.  I need something stable like that because it makes ends meet inside my head.

That’s why I love this bed.  It stays the same wherever I move it to, and it is always the place to come back to.  It welcomes me, holds me, and makes sure that although I may not be mentally settled or sober, I will always be cosy.  This is important to me, this cosy-ness, as it has begun to define my night time routine as well as the way I live my every day.  I want to carry this through the rest of my life as well.

I would love to travel for graduate school and be abroad and all over Canada and see things, see more things and everything.  I would love to bring one thing to keep me stable, keep me grounded.  I’ve had trouble in the past finding one thing to keep that comfortable-ness with me.  I can’t tell you what I used for the months I was in England, but it helped a bit.

Being comfortable where you are is important, and it’s been important In my life truly understanding that part of myself.  I’ve recently come to the realisation that I give a lot of support and love and advice to other people that I don’t give to myself.  AJ has told me this numerous, countless, endless times that I need to take care of myself the way I take care of others (AJ comes to mind instantly as we’ve had how many conversations about this?).  This year is the year of me taking care of myself, and when I really internalised the fact that I haven’t been honouring and supporting myself in the efficient way that I support others I…I can’t even describe it. It was like giving my inner anxiety a hug.  I finally got what he meant.  I need to tell myself that it’s okay, I can do it,

“Yoou caaan dooo it!”

But to myself.  It’s definitely something I’m going to have to work on but I am trying.  I am honouring the fact that being comfortable is important to me, and that finding those intimate and cosy spaces is important to take care of myself.

On that note, I am determined to kick this bad sleeping habit.  I am seriously debating re-subscribing to Reader’s Digest because I hear they have great tips for sleep deprivation (as well as the latest melo-dramatic news and quirky comedic stories for any table top desire!).   I want to be okay, is that too much to strive for?

Not in my opinion.

Good night,

x