325

 Day Three Hundred and Twenty-Five:   Leaves in My River

While walking between my house and the theatre last week during the show run of my school’s mainstage performance I found myself thinking about the canging seasons.  Here autumn has kind of moped off and winter has struck itself down and frozen everything, but when there were still leaves on the ground I remember feeling them, stepping on them and hearing them crack beneath me.  Leaves are one of those universal things to me, trees are everywhere, and its hard to get around during the autumn months without finding them.  A constant, comfortable thing.  I was full of thoughts from last autumn, trying to find fallen leaves in London, and figuring how much I’ve changed since then.

Isn’t it strange that we talk about growing up, and we assume that once we are grown up that we will stop growing?  I always thought that once I was done being a teenager I would just be an adult, no transition, and be that adult, that person, for a long time.  Interestingly, I’ve found recently, that the person I had become in January post my European experience was lost now, this end of November, and I think a new me has come up,  I don’t hate her, but I don’t love her either.

So is it too soon to make a resolution?  I don’t think so.

I want to be better.  And I don’t mean nicer, or talk more with my family, or even take care of myself more, just try and nurture things and enjoy moments, and care less about what I believe is expected of me, and be more myself, be more stuck in my own self, and less pressured by other people.  Who cares if someone doesn’t like me?  I’ve always been so strong and not apologising for the way I am (for the most part, because I am a handful) but I really want to be who I am and confident in that person, because she’s great, and I forget that sometimes.

I’ve been meaning to write this post for a long time.  Something that you’ll learn about me is that I can say things to myself, and to other people, and family and councellors but I will not really believe the change until I have written it down.  It sucks that I have to type it at all, but it is different for me than other people, and this helps. 

So the leaves (now long gone) that were around remind me of the girl I used to be, when I was young and naïve, or running around in a wind suit with Isti in our small town at the fall fairs, eating cotton candy and laughing with my eyes shut and head back, like I still do, and the kind of girl who loves the smell of wet leaves at the beach in October, and who knows who she is, and although that girl changes all the time, she still knows important things about herself, and she knows its okay to keep changing.  That’s life.