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Day Two Hundred and Ninety-Seven:  One time, on a

 Thursday evening in October, I took my first solo trip on a Guelph bus at night and survived.  It was just down one street and I had told the driver that I needed to get off, and so I made it home safe.  I was nervous and things but that is usual, I find, whenever I get on any bus that it is not the right bus and will take me somewhere undesired and I’d be lost forever.  But no, last night I found myself safe and sound at home, which was good news bears.

I think one thing about the bus that is intimidating for me is that I do have to ask the bus driver to get me off at the right stop, but with my CNIB card and not my student card makes it clear I need a bit more help.  What I like about this is that the other students don’t know that I’m using a different card, so it doesn’t seem like I’m…different.  Ever since I was diagnosed and started having surgeries I’ve been obsessed with not being different.  I still drove, did math equations, drank, and did everything a normal teenager could do until around my eighteenth birthday when I could no longer drive, and a lot of things changed.  Now I am living, four years later, in the aftermath of that life changing surgery (and moment, really) where I now have to do practically everything in a different way than everyone else.  Coming to terms with that is hard, and not a lot of people can empathize with how I’m feeling.

And so taking the bus is different for me, I can’t just get on and see the road sign for where I’m getting off (to be fair this is the only city in the effing province that doesn’t have automated announcements or even automated in-bus stop-notifications) or any other mundane activitiy really.  For example getting groceries, I go the same exact route every single time so I do not miss a vegetable, hummus package, or yogurt package because otherwise I would miss them.  I can’t go looking for them.  That’s the true reason that I don’t buy meat at school, it’s hard for me to differentiate between the different meats.  And I am not afraid to ask questions, but if I could do it another way independently I would rather do it that way.

So this has become a strange post for me, I usually talk in person a lot about these things but not a lot of people get them.  I find myself repeating myself a lot with how I can see and how hard it is for me to do things, but I don’t usually complain about it or point out the things I do differelty.  Like ordering a coffee?  Like getting pastries at a coffee shop?  I don’t know what I’m getting until it gets to me.  Standing in line is a difficulty, I never know when it’s my turn to order, jeez have you ever been at subway and been yelled at because it was your turn to order but you didn’t know?  Well, I have and I’ve also been yelled at because I started ordering and it wasn’t my turn.  Things that people who can see probably have experienced too, but it could be avoided.

Just things that are frustrating to me but I get over them.  Last night was a mini-triumph because I did ask for help (I wasn’t going to) and did get home safe on my own.  The little things, right?

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