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Day One Hundred Forty-Nine:  The Stars

  Something bizarre about living in the city is that I can’t see the stars here.  I mean, even in Sauble it takes a while to focus on any one small bright thing millions of miles away, but in the city it’s even harder to get a hold.  It’s like I’m slipping further from that positioning system that beings of nature have been using as a map for our existence.  What is it about having to know what and where we are?  Is it not just okay to exist?

Who am I to say anything I search for meaning within everything.  I need to learn to chill out more.  Today was my best friend’s birthday and I got her tickets to see Russell Brand in August, and I am pretty excited about it.  He’s a star, and I’m going to be able to see him quite perfectly, actually.  I think it makes a difference to some people those little things you remember, and in this case although it was a big thing I remembered, and seeing that smile was enough for me.  Worth it.

Is it possible to get and stay lost?  Is it possible to want to be found but reject it at all cost?  Is it possible to ignore someone who has found you?  Why is it so difficult to make change exist?  Why is existence so difficult in general?  Is it possible to love something or someone so intensely that it liquidates in your hands? 

All these questions has made for a strange evening.  I was so intensely happy and jacked not too long ago, and now I’ve come down from that dramatic high.  I have this urge to just fall into bed and sleep for the next ten years  It is possible, you know.  I feel like I had been sleeping through my teenage years, I just woke up startled, confused, lost, saw the stars had disappeared, and went straight back to bed.  Its something akin to motivation that drives me, but it’s not quite it.  It’s something more like…if I don’t get out of bed in the morning my guilt will eat away at me.

In other news, I’d prefer to find for other people than myself, I guess that makes me weird.  I can’t see the stars but am reassured by the fact that others can.  Sometimes I can’t even look at them when I can, it’s so far away, they’re so small, they seem so desolate.

Pocketed for safe keeping

Until they overflowed and fell

Into the sky from above, dropping one

By one, one by one,

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